Dear Nicholas- Happy FIRST Birthday!

 Dear  my sweet little boy, Nicholas,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I cant believe that one year ago today i was back in the hospital enjoying your small 6.9 oz little body all cozy in my arms. I would have never in my wildest dreams imagined how you are today, or all the love you bring on a daily basis.  I cant believe today you are ONE year old. You are no longer a baby, but now you are a toddler!

We had your birthday party yesterday and you were a pure delight.... for 99% of the day.  You played with your friend Ethan, and wheeled your cousins around in your new car, and you cozied up to everyone wanting to play with you. Uncle Rudy especially.  You got all kinds of cool gifts, from little Vtech laptops, books, helicopters, your new car and an awesome radio flyer rocking horse from Grandma and Grandpa G.  Opening gifts was not your forte. And neither was your time to enjoy cake. You cried when we sang, and cried even harder wante to give you some of it. Poor thing. YOu were tired and NOT hungry, how dare us try to feed you an entire cake with ice cream! Someone call child protective services! But as soon as you got down from your chair and could play with your toys everything was A- OK. And you even got some of that yummy cake of yours later in the night after everyone had gone home.

This last month of baby hood continued to be as good as the last eleven.  You still haven't taken any steps by yourself, but you certainly are close! I think you are still a little scared to go without holding on to anything.  When i took you to the doctor this month you were 24.5 lbs, and still just above average in the percentiles.  You are more aware of your surroundings and now you are learning some stubborn ways of doing things. Specifically if you want a toy that you cant have, or if you cant go somewhere, you will throw yourself to to the ground and wail.... until you get whatever it is you want.  You are a tricky little bugger. But we are smarter than you think......and have eyes in the back of our heads., so you better learn another way of getting what you want.

 Your smile gets brighter every day, and your eyes get bluer.... your lovable personality continues wins the hearts of everyone you meet.  I dont know how I got so lucky to get such a beautiful, smart, gentle, sweet, and most lovable human being as a son.   I can only wait to see what an incredible person you are going to grow up in the next ninety nine years.. And i can wait, because I am enjoying every second watching you grow. We move into our new house this week.... it will be a place you will have so many memories, and I cant wait to share them with you.  I love you more than the moon, the sun, and all the stars in between. You are the light of my life, and from the very bottom of my heart i wish you a very happy birthday, Nicholas.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Nicholas- Month Eleven

Dear Nicholas Bear,

Over the weekend your turned eleven month old, on the same day we were flying back from a week long cruise in the Caribbean. You were an angel on your birthday and did wonderfully on the plane-- probably better than i did. You sat next to your cousin Jake, like you did most of the week and played together so perfectly it was a joy to watch. You are so social and carefree, watching you cruise through life is beautiful to watch.  You are changing and growing so much, i cant believe you will be one just around the corner.

You are getting closer and closer to walking as every day passes. You are quick on all fours, but you are cruising around like nobodies business. YOu will climb and stand on anything to get you to a higher vantage point. Mommy included. You can move with the assistance of walkers, and you can make your way around grandma and grandpa's living room with ease. You can turn yourself around in complete circles when you are sitting, and the control you have of your entire body continues to get better and better.

Aside from your gross motor skills improving in leaps and bounds (pun intended), your fine motor skills continue to impress. You are great at picking up little things with your pincers, and you feed yourself with no problems at all. You absolutely love to point, that pointer finger of your goes everywhere these days. You still love textures and feeling everything. You touch and bring things to your cheek to feel them even better,  your haptic nature makes you, you.  And it's completely and utterly adorable.  Makes us wonder what you will with be when you grow up since you are so dexterous already.

The tooth count is holding steady at five, but two other bottom teeth will pop up any day now. You are a little babbler and you have a voice that is like music to my ears.  I love  listening to you, and your laugh still brings butterflies to my stomach. I love kissing you all over, and your giggle when we tickle you is too darn sweet. You vocabulary is ever-growing, this month you learned high five, and head-butt...and you you can clap for reason now.  O the ticks you will learn from your cousins and uncles will never fail to amaze.....

You are the most lovable little person I have ever met, it's hard for those who meet you to not fall for you, too. You are so laid back and calm, but still full of vibrancy and animation. You have an excitement for the world that sometimes it brings tears to my eyes watch you navigate through it. Spending an entire week with you on vacation was one of the best weeks of the entire year for me; it's been hard being back at work this week. I cant wait to get home today and give you lots of hugs and kisses.

Happy 11th month little man, enjoy your last 4 weeks of babyhood! We all love you so much!!

All the love to the moon and back,
Mommy

Dear Nicholas- Month 10

Dear Little baby bear-

Boy oh boy are you changing-- every single day! I cant believe how much you have grown up this past month.  It's like one day you fell asleep a little baby and woke up a little boy. The most important milestone you reached this month is you started crawling. One day after work on a Friday instead of scooting and rolling to get around, you actually pulled up onto all fours and moved forward.  And you did it was as much ease and grace like you have been moving for the last 9 months.  You can even pull up on things now, too.  But that;'s not all  the major milestones you can do, you can clap your hands, play peek-a-boo, and even feed yourself and drink from a sippy! You are getting more and more autonomous by the day and i couldn't be prouder.

At your nine month doctor's appointment, the doctor said most babies excel in one area at a time. That is, if they start moving they probably aren't going to be as verbal. And visa versa. Well, you are still one talkative little kid. You say mama and dada all the time, and continue to come up with all kinda of variations from those sounds. You can verbalize your emotions and your personality is becoming ever more present through what you say and do.  You still love to kick those little feet, and even though you can move  your body still cant keep up with your legs and feet.

The official tooth count is up to 5; two on top and three on the bottom. And we expect more any day now. You are drooling and spitting up a storm. Sometimes when you are bored in the backseat we will look back at your covered in spit. And it will be all over the mirror and seat around you, too.  You could fill a small baby pool with all the saliva.  But you don't seem to mind.... pretty consistent with your entire personality. You are easily content, very distractable, and full or smiles and giggles. Anyone can get a smile out of you with a small gesture, usually just a smile and you pass one right back.

It's quite a chance coming to get you in your crib to see you sitting up. It's all together beautiful, adorable, and pathetic and sad all at the same time. Like how in the world would such a sweet and loving creature be left all alone in this wooden jail? But slowly you are coming around to this sleeping thing. You go to bed pretty good most nights,. and for the last few days you have had some good naps, too.,  I still keep hoping you will sleep through the night on a regular basis one one of these days.

Lots of things happened this month; you had some great visits with grandma and grampa G, you went to the Little Gym one morning, you had a birthday dinner for Andrea and other friends at PF Changs, went to see jackson at Patrick and Ellen's baby shower ( one of your future new friends who may have the same birthday as you),  you got dotted on by Jax, Vollet, Chris and Annabelle for brunch and didn't even get scared by Chris's crazy hair and huge mustache.  Your cousin Kate got baptised this month, you watched mommy do the mudstash dash with Jessie and Andi, you celebrated mommy and daddy's 3rd wedding anniversary. And last but not least, you were there when we order our iphone 5s. Just kidding, that is not the last or the least-- Daddy got his pacemaker replaced this month. The next time he gets a new one you will be almost 10 years old, it's crazy to think about.

Your next month is sure to be fun and exciting as well, already lots of fun things planned including halloween activities, more fun visits, and your very first CRUISE!!! I cannot wait.  I especially cannot wait to get to spend an entire week off work with you. I cant wait to watch you in the sand, experience the ocean, and dote on you all week long.

Thank you for being the cutest little baby in the entire world. You light up every room you walk into, and mommy and daddy cannot get enough of you. Keep getting strong and bigger and another wonderful month ahead of you.

WIth all my love in the entire world... and then some,
Mommy

Dear Nicholas- Month 9

Dear Baby Bear Nick,

Yesterday you turned 9 months old!  It's hard to believe you are already three quarters through your first year and almost out of babyhood. I can hardly believe in just three months i will no longer have a little baby but toddler to come home to.  I guess my hugs and kisses will just have to get bigger and bigger to keep up with your growth.  You continue to get cuter and sweeter every day and i continue to enjoy every single second of watching you grow.

 This month first include you very first hair cut on August 12th. We went to Cookie Cutters and you got to sit in a car and you didn't mind one bit. Your hair sure does grow fast, it's already almost as long as when we got it cut.  But it's so cute, sometimes the back sticks straight up in the air. You love to play with your hair, its cracks us up to watch you grab is tough the top of your head. Another one of the many absolutely adorable things you do.

You are still not crawling, but every day you get closer and closer. You can go to the sitting position and inch forward with your hands until you are almost in the crawling position, but you haven't quite mastered it yet. Once you are too far forward you either fall to your belly or flip over to your back. You are still our little kicker, you keep those legs and feet moving even though you don't go anywhere. Uncle Bobby says we should call your cricket.,  Maybe you are the future runner of the family.

Over the last week we did see the top two teeth poke through the gum, any day now you will have a four-tooth smile and i am positive it will continue to light up every room you walk into. They are hidden my inflammation over the weekend, and I am positive they are bothering you... but you are mommy's little trooper and you power right through it.

We continue to fall in love with your personality; you love to play with your cousins and you are so entertained by them and the entire world around you.  You are inquisitive yet laid back. Which is probably the number one reason you are not crawling yet. You are pretty content right where are most of the time and there is always something to explore and enjoy right in front of you.   Perhaps one of the many lessons you teach the world around you. 

I love how easy it is to get you to smile. Your laugh will make anyone around you smile just by hearing it. I love how  when i walk into a room you instantly light up like a ball of sunshine... and now i know it's exactly because I am here. I love how i can always comfort you and now that you throw your arms up in the air now means you want me to pick you up.  You are learning to wave now, and I am sure your vocabulary of understanding is quite big.  Although there are no words besides 'dada' that come out of your mouth.  Listening you gabber on with 'dadadadada" will instantly make my heart sing.

You don't go to the doctor for another couple of weeks but at 9 months you are right around 23 lbs and over 28-29inches long. You are strong and growing and your face just gets more beautiful to me every day.  You are the apple of my eye and  treasure every day I spent with you.  I will tell you get more kisses than you ever knew were possible. Especially when daddy and I kiss you at the same time... and even if you do push us both away simultaneously.  You are one heck of a loved baby....and that love only keeps growing.
It's bigger than the world.

Love you always,
Mommy

Faith and Love

There is a little girl I never met, but she is one of my good friend's cousin.  She is 11 years old and legally blind and deaf, and is dying of a heart condition. I found out about her a few months back, but few weeks ago  I found out she was denied a heart transplant  that would be the only thing that could save her life. Since then she has been under hospice care and her family started posting updates about her on facebook.  She is such a beautiful little girl, there are video's of her signing, and pictures of her growing up and it's hard not to fall in love with her. Last night was her last post on facebook as her family said she is on pain medication to keep her comfortable.  I read the post this morning when I got into work and I couldn't help the tears. In fact, I have been thinking about her all day and I have never even met her.  She has very little time left, the out pour of love and messages for her and her family have been incredible.

Maybe because I am not a mother that this really effects me, but i just want to go home and hug my baby just a little bit longer and just a little bit tighter. I can only imagine what the family must feel.  I hear a lot of sad stories but this little girl particularly has profoundly made an impact on me.  I am not sure why or how.  It really makes you put your own problems in check when you read about this. And you realize that what would the world be like with out faith?  Knowing that those who have walked this world before us are somewhere else, that there is such a  thing as peace. I think about those we lost who were close to me and those who others have lost close to them. We are only on this planet briefly, and faith and love are probably one of the most important things that can help carry us through our journey.  Anyone can get by without a lot, whether is money, or education, or you name it. Without faith and a lot of love in your life, you can be lost and adrift.  You can never love someone too much. And in my heart, I feel that no matter what guilt i feel as a mother some times about my own inadequacies, as long as i can love my baby as much as my heart is able that i know everything will be ok.

And it's true, motherhood has rocked me. I never knew how much i could love until i became a mother. It's the kind of love that is bottomless-all consuming-take your breath away-sometimes hurts kind of love that I don't think you can experience any way else. Its a different kind of love that you have for a spouse or another family member.  It's a kind of love that makes you feel emotions you have never felt before. And when you love that much, the entire spectrum of emotions change and their depth is much more acute.  But I am not even sure if what it is is even describable.

All I know is life is full of hardships, some are harder than others; some might knock you to the ground and change you to your core. But ultimately there is only one constant in this journey that will guide you through anything. You can always get through anything with faith and love. The tiniest amount goes so far. The tiniest amounts can allow you to anything. Nothing will be impossible.

" Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move.
This is Anna's facebook page:
https://www.facebook.com/#!/anna.macconnell.58

If you can dream it...

 Ever since I became a mom never in my life have I ever been so thoughtful about my career. Meaning, never have I picked it apart and wondered what do I really want to do when i grow up?    Do I want to be full time mommy or a full time working mother. And if I were to change my career to accommodate both, what would I be?

As i look at house after house in process to move up to the burbs, i envision raising my family in every home we walk into.  I envision my life; waking up with my kids, making them breakfast, taking them for walks, to the parks,  going to lessons for something at some location,  sitting down for dinner every night. I envision school days, and school nights, kids over  playing, i envision it all.  I imagine what i would do in the free time, probably still get up early  at 6am before everyone is awake and go for a run,  pack my husbands lunch for the day, and get ready to take on the adventures the kids provide every single day.  I have quite a few ideas of small business ideas of my own to do in my own time to supplement my income,  ideas that even would involve my kids.

I day dream a lot about how different things would be if i didn't have the long days and long commute to work every morning.  How much less stress i would feel about leaving my baby for so long every day,and knowing that my time is better spent investing in the minds of the future.   Childhood is  the most important times in a person's life. I deam of how much calmer i would feel in the evenings, not thinking about how little sleep i have to function at work and make it there safely.  Or the thought that the work and preparation during the rat race after work to get everything cleaned and packed again for the next day and still manage to eat dinner and spend time together as a family. It feels very much like a rat race..... and I dream about how things could be.

And if i keep dreaming.... who knows what could happen.

Dear Nicholas- An Interlude

Dear Nick,

 I felt like writing to you because I want to tell you how I feel.  I wont write much, just a little about how I feel about you, how I feel about life, and how I feel about parenting. And there is quite a lot I feel, and I have no intentions of sorting it all out and making sense of all it and categorizing it, putting it in nice little bins in my head, and spelling everything out for you right here and now. No, that's not how anything in life works.  A lot of life is about you figuring out the world, understanding emotions,, compassion, sensitivity, vulnerability. You are going to go through struggles and ups and downs and sideways phases, my job is to make you feel loved, give you a strong sense of self, and to help you know you are worth it no matter what.. Always.

I am the first to read and read books and books about 'how to parent.' I am a hypocrite, to think there is a way to 'parent' to have the outcome for a child to be 'perfect.' It's in a way tying to read about about 'how to Art.'  There is no right or wrong way, that's why no one person is the same as the next.   We are different, with different experiences, different memories, different thoughts and perspectives and that's what makes as all unique. And influential in our own right. We can change things with our power of being, and how we live our lives effects the world around us.

I have been trying to read books about how to help you sleep better, because society has conformed me to believe that you SHOULD be sleeping through the night. And that I should be able to put you to bed at night without fuss and you will wake up happy 10-12 hours later.  But guess what, you dont. I am trying to figure out solutions.  But maybe there isnt a solution, maybe i am just figuring you out in this one phase. And honestly, i dont mind getting to snuggle with you for a few hours in the middle of night if that helps you get to sleep.  I am not going to tell you how you 'should' be. And i am not going to try to mold you in the norm of what society thinks.  You are you, you are imperfect, but you are: loved, important, and worthy.

Some of my biggest struggles are dealing with how i feel like I 'should' be.  I constantly worry about how i am being perceived and want to desperately 'be' what i think the world wants me to 'be.'  But  what i am learning is that I am who i am, and that is ok. In fact, it's great. It's an understanding that I am a good person, and imperfect in many ways, but i am a work in progress. I am allowed to be sad sometimes, i am allowed to be angry and uncertain at others. But it's all part of living, I am also compassionate, and forgiving, and open.  An author i recently read said " Yes, i am sometimes afraid, but i am also brave."  I want you to know that you can do anything you want, but guess what- you might fail.   But if you try your hardest, hardest and you still fail you are still worthy of that success. You just might have to try again. I dont ever want you think that you shouldn't try anything because you are worried about that failure and what people will think.  That sense of self is what i want the most for you.  And I want you to know you are enough, and even in a difficult time to be kind and gentle on yourself. And in turn you will be kinder and gentler to others.. And with that i think you will achieve whatever you want in life- laced with all the joy and happiness you can  possibly embrace.

I know you have a beautiful soul, and I have told you since the day you were born that you can do anything you want in this life. And I will believe in you. Whether it's an astronaut, a scientist, a teacher, a doctor, a cook, whatever it is that you decide to go after. As long as your heart is in whatever you do and it's in the right place. To make you a better person and to better the world around you.  I know you will make me proud. You already do, even with the little victories you give me on a daily basis.  I love watching you grow, I love watching you flourish into your own person.  I love the person you are now, and I will love the person you are going to be come.


With all my love,
Mommy

Dear Nick Month 8

 Dear little peach,

Tomorrow you will be 8 months old,  and you are ripe with animation  and personality. Ms Patti at daycare says you are one laid back kiddo. And i have to agree, you are pretty calm and easy going about a lot of things and I am lucky. IT's been a month chalked full of changes, the biggest being the move to West Chester and living with your grandma and grandpa. You have a new daycare and your surroundings are all new everywhere you look. And they will change again soon when we move into our new house- whenever that may be.   I know you will be pretty easy going about that too.

That isnt the only thing that describes you-- besides sweet, happy, curious, loving, vocal... pooper also comes to mind. I think you won the gold medal for number of blow outs this month. Every other day it seemed like, sometimes twice a day! One day you made your teacher go home and shower after an episode. Way to make mommy proud, honey!

You have loved living with you grandparents, they just shower you will all kinds of attention. Especially your grandpa, some days i dont think i have ever seen anyone work so hard to get a smile out of you. Your cousins entertain you on a daily basis, and your grandmpa helps out every chance she gets to make sure you are clean, fed and happy. Living with Sheeba has kept you on your toes, Daddy will  chase her around the house with you and you cant take your eyes off her when she is around.  And last but not least, you LOVE to swim. living with a pool has made you love the water, i hope one day you will be as good of a swimmer as your cousin Jake who can dive to the bottom of the deep end already.

YOu still are not crawling, but you are definitely trying to get mobile.  You wave at us, and we have heard 'mama and dada' come out of your mouth on multiple occassions. Unfortunately i dont think it is in any relation to us yet. Your little pincers are definitely getting good at grabbing things, and you seem easily intrigued by just about anything we put in front of you.  And did i mention those two teeth that recently took residence in your mouth? So long are those adorable toothless smiles, hello sweet little bottom baby teeth.

I am so glad that you are so social and well adjusted, i get comments about that all the time. And I think it is one of the highest compliments since leaving you on work days is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my whole life.   It's one of the many thankful surprises you have given me over the past few months. Although the amount of dirty diapiers i could have never prepared myself for, or the fact that i could have given birth to such a regular baby.  But alas, i wouldnt change a thing about you because you are simply perfect.

I cant wait to see what you have in store for us this month little love bug. WE love you so much, happy 8 month birthday!

Love,
Mommy

4th of July

4th of July was a good day. I am glad i had the day off, it was a good mid-week break for the kind of week i have been having. Including the weeks prior trying to move, saying goodbye to people at work, personal stuff, and of course, not sleeping all that well with my little guy. I have been doing surprisingly well with all the changes, but the mid-week break was good medicine.

We spent our first night up with matt's parent on Tuesday and it went really well.  My mother-in-law's middle name is helpful. She has done so much to make the transition easy for us, one of the most notable is how she has helped put Nick to sleep the last couple nights since he is a tough cookie to get down.  I dont know how that little guy functions without sleeping all that much, but i think he takes after his grandpa G.

Our 4th was quite enjoyable though.  We got up early, Nick was able to play with grandma for a little bit so we could rest for a few minutes before getting up to a tasty breakfast. We ran a load to our house and then came home to play with Nick and go for a quick dip in the pool before heading to Uncle Rudy's for his annual 4th of July cookout.  It was hot, but it was fun to see all the babies play together, and after dinner we all got in the pool at his house.  Nick loved the dip, since he was so hot and miserable most of the day. And his little cold symptoms are just not going away. I feel soo bad for him and I am just not sure what i can do for him. But i am glad he did have some fun yesterday, watching him in the pool made everyone smile as his kicked and played on his tummy and floated on his back. He looked like a little dolphin when he kicked  because his body above the water would just go back and forth. He's too funny, and too cute. I wish I had a video.

here is pic of Nick and his cousin Maddox first time in the pool. Maddox is 3 months and 6 days younger.

Dear baby Nick, Month 7

Dear my sweet, sweet boy,

I cant believe on Tuesday you will be 7 months old.   I know I say that every month, but i just cant believe how quickly you are growing and changing.  You such a bundle of love, i am not sure any baby has ever been as sweet as you in this whole world.  And yet you keep getting sweeter.

This month you have really become quite good at grabbing things and throwing things with your hands. I think your dexterity is probably much more advanced than others your age. We take you out to restaurants and give you toys in a high chair to keep you entertained, but all you do it pick them up and throw them on teh ground and then watch them hoping they will miraculously float back on to the table again.  They never do.  But you keep waiting. Sometimes I just lay down on the ground and watch you play, i am constantly in awe of all the things you do . And i cant help but think about how darn cute it all is with your little hands and your way of navigating the world around you.

Although you are quite good with your hand-eye coordination you still havent figured out how to actually feed yourself. All kinds of things go into your mouth except food. For some reason when i give you little slices of apples, or bananas, or even little puffs  you just scoot them around and like everything else you touch, it ends up on the floor.  I am hoping in the next month maybe the joy of eating (and self entertaining at meal times) becomes a little more enjoyable for you.  Although we are not too worried about how much you eat because everyone says you are a little ham, your chubby cheaks and legs make you so darn cute I could just eat you whole.  You are in the 79th percentile for weight.  But I secretely think that as soon as you start crawling you are going to be everywhere.

And I do think that mobility is just around the corner. You are a 'bouncing baby' right now.  YOu sit up and just bounce like you are ready to get up and just start running away. You are good at grabbing things just within your reach but far away, sometimes you bounce up and do a belly flop because you havent quite figured out how to get up on your knees. But i think it it's just a few weeks away before you are off.

The last of your toothless smiles were seen this month as those bottom two front teeth have finally broken through the gum. They are so cute. They havent fully emerged yet but the little choppers can certainly bite.  Your teething days werent so bad, although i do think a few low grade fevers were tightly connected to those little suckers. You went through your fair share of bibs for a while there as the drool would just pour out of your your mout; since they new appearances you havent been drooling as much. So that means now you can wear cute outfits and we dont have to cover them up with bibs.

Unfortunately the last few weeks you have had a never ending cold. Some days i think it;s allergies, other days i think it's a new variation on the same cold. I dont think you have stopped sneezing on a regular basis since you were born. But your nose is constanly running. I feel so bad for you as you try to sleep since I know it must be hard to breath when you cant really use your nose all that well.  This week has been extra rough because you picked up a cough from daycare.  And the last 24 hours have been miserable (for all of us). YOu havent been sleeping and you woke up in a daze this morning with lots of tears. Poor little guy, it makes going to work so much harder because I hate leaving you.

Next month there will be more changes in all of our futures.  Hopefully our house will be on the market and you will start a new daycare- Kids R Kids. They have a webcam so i get to secretly check in on you whenever i want. I really, really hope you are happy there.  Knowing you are in good hands makes going to work a lot better, but i still miss you like crazy. So please try to be happy with your new teachers, if nothing else do it for me.

I cant wait to see what this month has in store for us. YOu are the light of my life, and through all the stuff going on in my life i know coming home to you makes everything so much better.  Watching you and listening to you only brings smiles to my face, and every day is a new adventure to see what you will do next. Your voice is changing and the things that come out are always surprises. Keep on surprising us, little man, and making your daddy and I the happiest and proudest parents in the whole world.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Nicholas Month 6

Dear my sweet baby Nicky,

You are going to be SIX months old on Sunday. Happy half birthday little man, I cant believe how old you are getting.  It seems like only yesterday I was holding you in the nook of my arm- your entire body would fit on one arm.  Now you are long and getting heavier by the day. I would guess you are over 18 lbs by now, but we go to the doctor for the your 6 month appointment next Friday so we will find out the official height and weight then. I cant wait. 

This month has been SUCH an exciting month for all of us. YOu are just getting more fun every day, and I didn't think it would be possible but you get sweeter and sweeter every day, too. . YOu such a peach- but even sweeter! YOu giggle and laugh ALL.THE.TIME.  You are ticklish when we rub and squish your chubby little thighs, when we bounce you, when we kiss you all over, when we sing and dance for you. You think my dancing is funny- but i think the rest of world would probably agree as uncoordinated as I am. But then again,  you dad doesn't hold a candle to me.  I hope you dont learn to dance from your dad or you will end up knowing just a couple moves-- his most famous being 'deal the cards.' But dont worry I will still love you just as much...  Did I mention the swing yet? YOU LOVE to be in the swing. Grandma and Grandpa got you a swing at their house and you looove it more than anything.  We have even taking you to the park by our house just to get some swing in for the day. My cheeks end up hurting from all the smiling I do when your having so much fun. 

One of the most exciting milestones you have reached in the last week is you can SIT UP ON YOUR OWN NOW! What a huge day in your life. You have been able to sit assisted for a little while but as soon as we would take our arms away you would lean like the tower in Pisa and then eventually fall over.  NOW YOU CAN STABLE yourself. I am so impressed.  I wouldn't say you have mastered it, but you you now stick your arms out to stable yourself. I had your on the floor the other day and watched you sit up and just play with the toys around you. And when you felt like you were going to fall back, you stuck your arms out in front of you and wobbled a little bit but corrected yourself.  I have never been prouder.  The world really opens up for babies who can sit up on their own so there is a lot in store for us next month; riding around in the grocery cart, sitting in high chairs at restaurants, you might even like the train in the kids land at kings island even more now. You still dont roll over that much, on your tummy you still haven't really worked out how to flip over with your arms sticking straight out like an airplane. But i know you will get there.

You have also been been introduced to the glorious world of solid food this month.  We still give you rice and oats, but now we are making you all kinds of fruits and veggies.  Besides banana's that you first tried in your cereal, the next thing we made for you were carrots (which were not nearly as tasty as the bananas, i know).  Then you tried sweet potatoes, green beans, peaches and just yesterday you tried rutabaga. You are a good eater it's been a lot of fun giving you new foods.  The down side to all this fun in the world of tastes and food is your poop has transformed from non-offensive baby poop to actual human feces.  It's even a little more solid now!  And BIGGER. Instead of just  dirtying your diaper, now you poop your pants.  But I suppose even in those times you still seem relatively unbothered because as I mentioned earlier, you are just so DARN SWEET!

We had lots of fun together this month, we got to see Jackson - who is just 3 weeks older than you for a play date, we went to multiple family events and you just laughed and played with everyone. We had a cookout and our house and everyone fell in love with you then too because you are so easy to love. We also took you in grandma and grandpa's pool, too. It's been SUPER hot so even though the water wasnt like your bath, you didnt cry. I think by the summer's end you will really love being in the water. This summer we are taking swimming lessons together so I think you will be much more comfortable.

You continue to get more and more dexterous, you can grab and play with all kinds of stuff now. Every day you get more and more coordinated.  I am just in awe of you and how much you learn and grow every day.  I even amaze myself when i realize how proud I am of you when you learn and do something new.  Watching you grow is such an adventure and it just keep get better.  You are the most amazing and special little boy and I love you so much it hurts to think about.  When I put you in bed at night and go downstairs, i look at your high chair or some of your toys and I feel sad and miss you even though you are just upstairs sleeping.   But as complicated and busy you make my life, it's all together crazy but wonderful and fulfilling and I cant imagine it any other way.

I love you more than the sun and the moon,
Mommy

Memorial Day weekend Recap

My weekend was fantastic. All sunshine and fun. AND HEAT lots of it. Just a quick summation of it all; Friday I worked from home but got off early *thanks Steve Chu* and headed to check out our swim classes this summer and pick up his swim diaper. Then I met up with Matt and his brother Bobby to go to KINGS ISLAND.  It was hot and busy but not busy enough were wait times were terrible. The first ride we went on was diamond back and it really was all that it lived up to be. We spent about 2 hours there before our baby got cranky and we headed home.
Saturday we had Sam and Judy's 50 anniversary celebration. Sunday I helped my friend A get her centerpieces put together in the morning and then hung out at the pool all day, and Monday was a family party for memorial day and we hung out at the pool all day. It was filled with lots of eating, lots of lounging, and lots of good family.  It was a great weekend. Cant believe it's almost June. Lots more in store for June.

Until next time.

Looking forward to a long weekend

This weekend is memorial day weekend and I am so pumped about having a long weekend. And the weather is supposed to be HOT hot HOOT and all sunshine.  I am looking forward to all sorts of family activities and showing of my perfectly adorable baby boy.  One thing matt and I say to each other is how the heck is it possible for this little person to get cutter every day? How can he be cuter than he was yesterday? I have no idea, but it is somehow possible. He is SO full of love and laughs and SMILES. Oh the the smiles. Even when he is crying and wants something you can still get a smile out of him.  I am pretty sure little boys dont come any sweeter.

I think we are going to put Nick in the pool for th first time this weekend. I think we will all want to dip after being in the 90+ heat.  I cant wait to see how he likes it. And i cant wait to wear my new 'mom swimsuit.' I bought it this week and I am very excited to wear it. It will be great for the summer and swimming lessons next month.

I am happy, especially since there is a lot to look forward to this weekend. Cant wait to leave work- i work from home tomorrow and i wont be back int he office until TUESDAY. Still havent done much progress on the house, but we'll get there. Until next time.

A pic of by babe in my bed i snapped on my phone this morning before leaving for work. Too cute. 

The Labor Story

One thing i realized i never did in the blur following the birth of my son is write down my labor story. Too often I have heard 'i wish i wrote it down' because it quickly gets mushed around with all the other memories you have and can be forgotten. After all, it's one of the most important days of your life. It worthy of cataloging. And heck, maybe my baby will one day want to know how he came into this world.

So I was 38 weeks and 6 days pregnant on a Friday going to my routine weekly visit to get checked and actually have an ultrasound in the Evendale office. The doctor's office we dont regularly go to, but because the week before when I met with Dr. Clark i told her that people tell me all the time how small my belly looks for the gestational age. So she felt around on top of my belly and decided we might as well have an ultrasound and to make my next week's visit at that office where they can do them.

So it's Friday morning-- My husband decided to work from home and I was off that day and had the appointment around 10am. We had to leave relatively early, and we were sort of rushing around that morning and i barely had breakfast to make it up north on time.  We waited a while in the waiting room, first to see the ultrasound tech- who only spent maybe 15 minutes with us, and then to see the doctor. The tech was a young women-- maybe my age-- who just shifted around without saying much. She showed us the head and the the foot, and commented on his lips. And gave us printed picture of his face and another picture we would late realize was just his lips. Finally when i went back to see the doctor, they weighed me (yep, gained a whopping 31lbs tipping the scales at 164). And at the time i was thinking i have more time left how much will i gain???

But as we waited in the exam room discussing what the doctor will tell us and reviewing our list of questions for what seemed like an eternity, Dr. LeMasters walks in and immediately tells us the results of the ultrasound. She said the baby was very small and the u/s told her he was 5lbs 11 oz.  She seemed worried and told us we need to get the baby out in case he isn't gaining enough in the womb. We didn't expect to hear that, we sort of chuckled and said  'well, you mean next weekend on my due date,' and she said 'No, like today, this weekend.' I am pretty sure i turned beat red. In disbelief. Like this is the end, we are meeting this baby... the date is no longer a future, nebulous time. But it's soon.

It's crazy, that was a moment i will never forget. And that a feeling i will never forget. She checked me before she signed her orders and I was 2cm and 50% effaced, so my body was getting ready. Little did we know that she seriously meant busy, we were ordered to go straight to the hospital. We couldn't go home and gather our things, we had to go straight there. She didn't trust us to not wait around but called the Dr. on call and said we were on our way.  So there i was, doctors orders in hand, a slight shake in my step, and were out of there. And my cell phone was no where to be found because of the rush I was in earlier in the morning-- and having to run to Wendy's to get matt breakfast that morning.

We arrive at the hospital and took the elevators with the stork to go straight to L&D.  We had to wait to get checked in as matt called his mom to make sure she was ok to swing by our house and grab the half packed hospital bag we had in our dishevelled bedroom. She was on her way. We got check in to the L&D but all the rooms were full so they sent us to the special unit where I was kind of in a holding pattern.  A few nurses came in and asked questions and finally after about 30 minutes i was hooked up to a fetal monitor and in a hospital bed. Dr. Clark came by about an hour later to check in on me and explain the game plan. I was having this baby! She was waiting on a room to open up on the other side because then they  started the pitossin (sp?) to get labor going.   As I waited i got an IV (which took 2 nurses and 4 stabs to finally get it in me), and waiting game began.

I remember having matt make some phone calls to make sure our plans for the weekend were notified. We didnt want to leave anyone in the lurch. We even had plans to help my friend L move that next day.  I also remember calling my parents and getting them on the way. My dad apparently hesitated before he left work to finish up some stuff. um, HELLO, your daughter in labor and that 4 hour drive? But they made it by the evening.

The day was beautiful, it was maybe 50 degrees but the sun was shining and there were no clouds in the sky as we drove to the hospital. It was a great day for my parents to drive.  Unfortunately i spent most of the day indoors. But our delivery room had a window and I remember watching the day slowly move by and it was evening before i knew it.  They started me on the pitossin around 5pm. Matt and i did lots of loops around hte L&D ward for what seemed like hours waiting for something to happen. aounr 8:30 or so Dr. Clark check me and broke my water. I was still not in much pain, but was full on the drip- almost full strength but still no major contractions that were painful. I was pretty content just waiting. Even got to have a berry flavored Popsicle. My parents arrived around 9pm and stayed for an hour or so before i kicked them out. Who knew what the night would have in store for us.

 Around 11 or so i was told to try to get some sleep-- even though it was near impossible because I have no idea what was happening to my body. By midnight it became apparent, THIS BABY WAS COMING. With all the fluids and drugs i was getting pumped up with my body was feeling it. I was shaking uncontrollable, shivering, and in some serious pain. I couldn't feel each contraction, i just totally out of control of my body.  They told me the baby's heart rate was starting to drop and nurses rushed in and they gave me oxygen.  I didn't know how long i could continue to hold out like this, i was checked and still at 2cm. Around midnight i asked for an epidural.

The night slowly ticked by, my body feeling odd and emotionally a little worried the whole time.  At one point in the night they had to put the oxygen back on, they insert and internal monitor which felt so heavy, i couldn't get comfortable....I was in uncharted territory, i had no idea what I was in for.  I think that was the longest night ever.

By the time the sun came up around 6:30-7am, i had a new nurse her name Tammy. She was bright eyed and full of life. When she came in the first time i knew it was time.  She looked at my charts and said Dr. Clark was on her way  but she was delivering another baby down the hall. She'll be here shortly.  At 7:50 she arrived (knowing that 8am she was off the night shift), but she checked me and I was ready to push. And boy was i ready.  Other nurses came in and started setting up stuff.   At one point right when i was getting ready I was asked if the young student could watch and she is studying to become a nurse. This would be her first delivery. I guess i had no choice in my head so i said yes. And 40 minutes later, my sweet baby boy was here.

 There was a little but of confusion with Viacord getting the cord blood and tissue in the right containers, but it all worked out.  My baby was the most beautiful thing i had ever seen. Within an hour my parents, matt's mom and his brother came to see him.  It was the happiest day of my life. And at 8:40am, my 6lbs 9.5 oz love of my life entered the world and I was never the same again.

And May is just the beginning

Things are ever so busy here in the N household, and as May is just the beginning of summer there is no end in sight. Lots of big changes happening but some little one's too. Good things I suppose, just lots of stuff to wade through.

This weekend we are having a cookout with some close friends at our house. We just invited select few to keep things simple (and cook fillets instead of burgers- yummy). I hope everyone has a good time.  I hope Nick goes down ok at the end of the night, that could make things a little hard.  But it will probably be the last time we host in our house. Because we are MOVING. Yes, we just started the process. We met with our realtor once already and are again tonight to discuss our list price. It will be a tough and uncomfortable transition as we prepare to move, but i think once we find a house and are settled-in it will be totally worth it. And it's something that must be done, we are out growing our house and it's busting at the seams. The change will be good too-- even though the commute to work with be tougher than ever, it will be nice to have space and also be closer to family.

I have other thoughts on moving but i wont elaborate here, in other interesting news I just signed us up to summer swim lessons starting in June.  On Saturday mornings we are going to Starfish swim classes and I am really excited about it. But in the true nature of summer, i just checked my schedule and the VERY first class I am in a wedding. Go figure.  I already feel bad about that, but it is what it is.  I cant wait to get out and do something fun with my little boy-- he is just such a joy and so much fun to be around.

We had a second play date yesterday with my good friend, S and her son who was born just three weeks before Nick. My sweet little boy definitely tried his hardest to make Jackson feel comfortable and happy considering Jackson is a little shy and scared around new people. We have more plans as the summer goes on, it will be neat to watch them grow up together. They will always be playmates at out friends gatherings. And I love it.

Memorial day weekend we have lots of family stuff on the docket-- a 50th anniversary party, a bachelorette party, and probably a cookout or two are in the works. I hope the weather is beautiful. I love this time of the year. The weather lately has been phenomenal, upper 70s and sunny. Hope that doesn't mean we are in for the hottest summer yet.  But we have the in-laws pool we can play in this summer and I am excited about that!

So yes, lots of things happening. And that's only May!

Dear my sweet baby Nicholas,

You are 5 months and 1 week today. I meant to write to you one week ago today but things got a little hectic in our lives.  Mommy was very busy at work trying to wrap things up to head up to your grandma and grandpa's house so we could pay out final respects to your only great grandmother who loved you very much.  You were the sunshine of the weekend (along with your two other cousins just a couple months younger than you). But you were smiling at everyone you met, loved it when you were being held, and had lots of cute and interesting things to say all weekend. YOu kept us all smiling and we just love that about you.

I cant believe how much you have changed since last month. You have quite a voice. You will talk to just about anyone who will listen. And we all love to listen!  You laugh and smile SO much now, way more than you used to. And you are just so friendly, you will greet anyone who you meet. YOu are so welcoming and loving, it's easy to fall in love with you. You are starting to become ticklish and we are constantly learning new ways that make that smile appear because it is the cutest smile in the entire universe.

However, when you are bored you have learned a new sound earlier in the month. An ear piercing, high pitched screech that you only let you when you are content but completely tired of doing whatever you are doing. In fact, it's so high pitched that I am pretty sure if it were one decibel higher the windows would start cracking.  We are trying to teach you the word 'No' whenever you do that, but i think we are both unsure if we understand each other in those instances.  Good thing you are easy to distract and love to just be walked around or held. You are just so interested in the world around you, I guess i cant blame you for that. And every once in a while a new toy or something colorful or noisy can quiet you right away.  Thank gosh for that. And our ears thank you for that, too.

Physically you continue to get strong and tall. I can tell you are really working at trying to sit up. When we change your diaper you do little baby crunches trying to sit up-- but you still have a little ways to go. You can sit and stand like the champ with some assistance, so once you get the balance down you will have no trouble in the months to come. You LOVE to grab your toes now, it's the first thing you go for when you are laying on your back.  You play with your fingers too-- and we see you chewing on those a lot.  We see a lot of white just below the gums in your mouth, you probably are starting to teeth, but so far you haven't really seemed too bothered by any of it. Your coordination continues to improve as you can grab at things and bring them to your mouth. We laugh when you grab at big things-- too big for that little mouth- but whack yourself in the face with them instead.  But again, you never seem bothered.

We recently started giving you rice cereal and you are learning to eat so well. The first couple of times you had it you didn't show much interest, but we tricked you with some banana and now you love to eat cereal. Every time you eat you get better. But gosh you are cute when you push that little tongue in and out of your mouth trying to swallow.  Now you open you mouth for it and get excited about the next bite. We love eating with you and I am getting SO excited about letting you try even more new foods.

The entire month of April has been a little challenging for us because you have really taken a step backwards with your sleeping habits. You used to be a little sleeper, I could put you down and you would sleep all night until the morning and I would wake you before I went to work. Now, you dont like going to sleep in your crib and you wake up multiple times every night.  Most nights you will only go to sleep if you are right next to me and I have to get you to sleep.  Some nights after a lot of cuddling and kissing you fall asleep in your crib, but only stay there a few hours until you wake up and daddy has to bring you to me. I hope you grow out of this phase, it's very tiring for me. Although some nights i think i don't get to spend much time with you in the day i like that i can cuddle with you at night.  You are very sweet to cuddle with. And so gosh darn cute. Everything you do is so darn cute.  I read and hear about babies your age sleeping 7pm to 7am-- that is 12 hours of sleep.  I cant help but feel a little jealous, that's more than most teenagers.  But i keep hoping and praying that this, too, will pass.  But with everything that passes you are only getting older and I want to cherish it all because it all just goes by so quick.

You just continue to get cuter and sweeter every day. YOur personality is more apparent in the things you do and I fall in love with you more and more every day.  I wake up wondering what will you do today that I cant wait to see. This month we have taken you to Kings Island already and rode the trains in the kids area. We have a whole summer ahead of us with your cousins doing fun things like that. And your grandma and grandpa just opened their pool-- i think you will really like that on those hot days.  You might even be living in a new house by summer's end. Who knows. We will just make the most of it all, because you make every day just a little bit sweeter.

I love you so much my sweet little baby. I cant wait to see you when i get home from work.

All my love in the whole world,
Mommy

Not a good way to start.

I am hoping if i write this i will feel better. And not explode on any unsuspecting passerby.... I am wretched. My baby was up from 8:45 until 11:30 screaming his lungs out last night instead of going to bed.  No, not crying because he's hungry. Top of his lungs- hate the world around him- scream.  He was fed, had a clean diaper, new clothes, was not hot, was not cold, was cuddled, was rocked, was comforted, was distracted. NOTHING helped this child. We were going around in crazy circles for hours last night.   I barely slept last night, the only thing that got him to sleep was cuddled up right next to me. So i didn't sleep.. My house is a mess,  my husband appears to me no help me, i have gobs of stuff on my to-do list for a friend's wedding shower this weekend. Then i need to go to my hometown for my grandma's funeral this weekend. And I am SO busy at work. NO ONE HELPS ME AT WORK EITHER. It's like my new boss is clueless, and works at a much slower pace than i do. BUT YET she is my supervisor. I am taking so much of my old job with me and she understands about 10% of what  I did.  I am just SO pissed off at the world, not being able to get anything done, my house is a mess, having a stressful job, a baby that doesn't sleep, I dont get any sleep, I couldn't even shower last night, having to be up and moving at the 6 am hour and being completely overwhelmed. OVERWHELMED. I cannot sustain this. When my baby hasn't given us a good night sleep since before Easter.  It's one thing not to work and be a SAHM, but i don't know if i can do this and keep my sanity. I am so angry and pissed off this morning. I cant shake it. I was witch to my husband this morning, the only thing that comes out of my mouth is venom.

I am hoping the next post is better.

Goodbye April, Hello May

April came and went, it was one heck of a month. There is no time to re-cap, but it was filled with lots of ups and downs. Easter weekend was delightful, got to see relatives and meet new babies in the family.  We got to babysit our friend's new baby, Ethan, for an ENTIRE day-- that was interesting. But good to do something nice for friends. I got to see my girls for a Friday night out-- planned by S. It was great, and a very well needed night.  Even spent the day at C's 2nd annual Clam Bake-- a day filled with food, drinks, and camaraderie. And a a little rowdiness.

Baby Kate- our newest additional to the N family and my first niece was born this past sunday (4/29).  It was neat to meet her just over an hour or two old. It will be neat to watch her grow, and see how far Nick has come just being a few months older.

Those are just some of the highlights. Work continues to be busy- ergo i have hardly much time to update. April was challenging since baby N developed a little pattern of not sleeping through the night. Not sure what was going on, it made waking and functioning during the week a bit challenging. But we plowed through it, simply because happy and delightful Nick during the day makes it worth a thousands nights of not sleeping.  His 4-month well visit we were told to hold  off on solids until 6 months, but my gut was telling me that he wasn't getting enough during the day and milk alone wasn't satisfying enough for him.  Lo and behold, last night i spoke with the 1st doctor who has cared for Nick since he was born and said some babies are ready earlier.  Especially when he slept well before and we this is a regression, every baby is different. We gave him little bit of rice cereal a week ago but last night Nick tried it like a champ. I put one slice of banana ( doctor approved) to get him to like it a little more. He was SO cute. I cant wait to give him more tonight. I think the new month we are turning a corner and those long nights are behind us.

I will write more this week, cant believe my little bear is going to be 5 months this week! It goes so fast! But he only gets more enjoyable and MORE adorable as every day passes. Until next time!

What's the trade -off?

A few weeks ago on my day off I happened to have flipped on Anderson Cooper when Madonna was on the show. I don't usually watch much daytime TV, if any, these days but this one I tuned in to for a while. And one thing that resonated with me was when she said that you really have to believe in what you are doing in life.  You have to be passionate about your work- whatever it is that you do-- because finding a good job or something that you love is hard to come by. And there are going to be lots of struggles and battles along the way and you really need to really believe and love it that you are doing and be willing to fight for whatever it is.

So how do you pick what is worth fighting for? How do you know you will love it and have the passion? I am often thinking about the life i want to lead and the kind of mother i want to be, and the actual work that i do. A work, that right now, feels fairly passionless. Work that i do for the money and for the freedoms it gives me outside of the work hours.  I would have less freedoms without it, but would my life be better? Ever since having a baby changed my life, it has totally changed my priorities and ambitions. I want to be the best person i can be for my kids,  i am one of most important role models for how they will live and shape their life.  How do i find a way to be the best person i can be?

Matt and I have talked about him putting in a lot of hours for the company his brother and his dad have built to make it grow. But we don't know how big it will get, there is no way to predict the future. It just seems like you have to make sacrifices to make it work, and they have to come in all different places of your life.  I worry that the sacrifices of having a husband working all the time away from the home is one that I cannot live with and sustain.   To have to work all day, to keep up with house work and be able to spend time with my child and not to have my husband around to support the effort. I am overwhelmed by the thought.   I already can barely keep up with the yard work, cleaning, dishes, grocery shopping, all that needs to be done. But to have to do it alone? Will the trade-off be worth it? I feel envious of SAHMs, of all the things they have time to do, all the things they get done at home WHILE still being able to spend quality time with their babies. But don't they also have a husband they can look forward to seeing at 5:30? How hard will that be? How do you navigate the decision process and how to you feel confident in making one? How do you find the passion and happiness amidst a sea of uncertainty?

The list of 101 things

I dont feel like writing much, just dont feel like it. But it has been a while since I re-visited this list. Let's see where we are:

I will put Completed Items in Purple




In NO particular order... here goes: My 101 things!


1) Do more Yoga and get good at it


2) Lose 10 pounds


3) cook more-- learn more healthy recipes


4) Write more letters to my friends - do thank you cards count?


5)Learn more things to do with my hair


6) Start an in-house project


7) Take a cooking class


8) Take a cake decorating class


9) Take a spinning class (i have been too scared to try it)


10) Read more books


11)Travel


12) Have another cookout


13) Go cabining


14) Go to Mammoth Cave


15)Make a Wedding Album *


16) Preserve my wedding Dress


17) Print a mural wedding picture


18) Pull out the large ugly shrubs on the side of my house


19) Re-plant the side of my house


20)Plan a trip to visit my sister


21)Host a dinner party


22) Babysit my nephews more


23)Get more involved with my Church


24) Go to church more frequently


25) Try to recover my old pictures and files from my broken laptop


26)Wear more colors to work (besides varying shades of white, black and grey)


27)Play tennis again


28) Play a game of racquetball


29) Start going to bed earlier


30)Try to keep up with laundry more during the week


31) Blog more frequently


32) Take Odie to the dog park


34)Update my address book


35) Think about buying a new house


37) Go on more dates with my husband- tried to before baby


38) Update my iPod


39)Update my resume


40)Buy window treatments for my dining room


41)Go on more walks


42)buy my Mom flowers


43)Delete old numbers in my cell phone


44) make a home cooked meal for my good friend's family in need


45)Learn to listen better


46) Say Thank you to much husband more


47)Pay off my student loans


48) Take some more time for me


49) Take one big trip with Matt before we have kids


50) Visit my parents more


51)Complain less about work


52) Hang more pictures in my house


53)Clean the garage


54) Go the the Art Museum


55) Go to the Krohn Conservatory


56) Go Apple Picking


57) Go to the pumpkin patch


58) Buy a new pair of Mizunos


59) Organize my inbox at work-- delete more emails


60) Organize my inbox at home-- delete more emails


61)Buy more nail polish


62)Read the news more


Not too bad, it's been SO long since i looked at this, i had to really think back of what i wanted when i created ths list. Boy my life has changed since then....

Dear Baby Nicholas Month Four

Dear My Sweet Baby Nicholas,

Tomorrow you will be four months old, I cannot believe it!  It feels like yesterday I was writing to you at three months.  You are sweeter every day and I just LOVE watching you grow.  You are now smiling AT us and your smile is worth ten thousands suns because it brightens up everything around you.  You love your dad a lot (and I know you love me) but sometimes I will hold you and you see Daddy walk in the room and you look at him and get HUGE smile on your face. You love to listen to him talk because you often have lots to say back. 

But o your giggle! Where do I even start. When i am at work and I imagine your laugh I can feel my heart in the bottom of my stomach. I love it so much i can feel the emotion physically. Its the cutest thing, it's all breath like deep inhales and quick exhales... i cant describe because it doesn't do it justice just how absolutely adorable it is. Lots of things make you laugh... other babies, your cousins dancing and jumping around you, singing and dancing with mommy and daddy,  so many things.  You are quite a personality... sometimes you are quite and content just hanging out with lots of people listening and watching us. Other times you are content but have SO MUCH TO SAY. You certainly interrupt sometimes with your coos and hoos..... but we always stop to listen because it so darn sweet. AND O SO interesting. We tell you that all the time.  Yesterday in the car you talked almost the entire 40 minutes up to grandma and grandpa's house.

This month you were Baptized by Father Knapp- the same Priest who married Mommy and Daddy.  He thought you were adorable, but the couple times he has seen you, you have been very serious. But that is better than loud and angry. You seem like an agreeable person, you don't mind when other people hold you and you are quite intrigued by other people and the world around you. You loved being in church, you were looking around most of Mass, and you even where singing along to the responsorial psalm.  It was hard for me to contain myself it was so cute.

The weather has been spectacular this month, lots of days in the upper 70s and 80s and sunny... very unseasonal for March weather... so we have gotten out a lot.  You love to be outside. Sometimes when you get fussy just bringing you outside will calm you down. And i don't mind it one bit, i love to be outside just as much.

Another new development of yours is you have discovered where you mouth is. YOu love to put your hands in there, sometimes both at the same time. You suck on those little hands the the drool just pours out. It's hard to believe how much drool can be generated from such a little person. You go through a LOT of bibs mister.  We did recently notice two baby teeth right below your gums in the front-bottom.. they could start popping through in the next month. I am sure they probably don't feel all the great, but you don't appear to be bothered by them much yet. You are a little trooper.

We go to the doctor again next Friday, but at this point you are well over 15 lbs and pretty tall. Your cheeks have filled out and you have a perfectly adorable little round face.  I love everything about that little face, your big eyes, your poutty lips, your stubby little nose and perfect ears-- and you have more dark hair than you did just a couple months ago. You are the cutest baby around. Getting cuter by the second.

There is lots more in store for you as the days continue to stay warm and summer approaches. Soon you will be eating real food with us!  And we get to enjoy lots of new out door activities like kings island, and maybe even the pool at grandma's and grandpas. I hope we can take swim lessons or some class together this summer just the two of us. I treasure every minute that i get to spend with you like it's gold. Except worth way more to me than a mountain made of gold.

I love you more than you possibly know.

Love,
Mommy

Our little Holy baby

It was a beautiful weekend. This weekend on 3-25-12 we had our little baby boy Baptized at St Xavier Church with the Fr. Knapp who married us.  It was beautiful and Nick was the cutest and sweetest little baby of all time. O he was so cute, i think i love him even more after watching him getting showered with all kinds of love this weekend.  He was great during Mass too. He was awake almost the entire time. He watched us get him ready without any complaints, and he was all smiles as Matt and I got him in his outfit before church.   When we got to Church he was mesmerized by all the people, the singing,  all all the ornate decorations the adorned the entire church. One of my favorite parts was hearing Nick kind of sing/coo along with the responsorial psalm during Mass. I sort of wanted to chuckle but had to contain myself:) He got a little fussy before communion and ended up falling asleep-- probably too much to take in at once-- and then was asleep for all our our pictures. But that's OK, rather have a sleepy babe than unhappy one.

We have my all time best friend as the God mother and her, now, fiancee as the God father. They are the perfect people for the job, and they absolutely adore this baby. He is so lucky he is the first to steal so much of their attention.   Nick was so perfect that day, all dressed up in a very special outfit wore by Matt and his two brothers when they were baptized. Bought by their Aunt Saucy who passed a couple years ago and was the very matriarch of their family. Nick also wore Matt's 14ct gold baptismal ring his Aunt also bought him when he was a baby, he was beautiful. He had a little white onsie with a cross and white socks with two little crosses on them, and then the personalized shoes given to Nick by my sister-in-law's mother. It was a very special outfit for a very special little boy.

He was a day full of love. Here are a couple pictures from my dad's iphone. I haven't emptied my camera card yet. But here's what we got right now:

We love you, little baby. You are loved by so many.

This thing called Motherhood

Work the last couple weeks i have been back has been unbelievably busy.  In fact some days i get home and I dont even know how I managed to make it through the day with losing my sanity. There has been so much to do that by the time i look at the clock it's almost time for me to go home. Now, don't get me wrong, i like that the days have gone by so fast. What i don't like is the feeling of running a marathon every day for five days straight and then having to come home and take care of an infant.  O ya, and get myself together and fed too. It's a of work.  And the whole pumping and storing and cleaning and repeating thing too. Lots MORE work.  I am very fortunate to have a good paying job, and right now I am very proud of how successful I made myself being with DoE for six years and now being one of the highest ranked in my entire office... but the trade-off is mind blowing.

I feel this way for many reasons. Mostly  because every day really just seems like a trek to get through to the next day. My social life has really gone to the back burner. I used to like getting together during the week for walks with friends, dinners,  o ya... and working out. O how i miss spin class.  Now? I get home, feed and change my child, some how clean everything for the next day, figure out something for dinner, and all the while trying to savor every last drop of my sweet child before he needs to go to sleep for the night. Lately he goes to bed between 8:30 and 9:30.  That is only three, at most four hours with him. It doesnt seem like enough.  And he is getting so big so quick, I hate how brief this period is in his life and I am just wading through it.

What is even more mind blowing to me is how much I have changed.  I used to think i was a pretty wound up person and very excitable (both to the good and to the bad). Now, not so much. I have relinquished a LOT of control. I still like to keep my house orderly, but i know there are trade-offs.  I need to re-prioritize, is having washed floor and dusted cabinets as important to me when my spare time is so limited.   Or what about making sure I am raising my child exactly by the books? And believe me i have read TOO much for me not to feel overwhelmed. But i dont. I cannot control whether or not my child is in daycare.... and I cannot control how they care for my child. But i can trust in my decision that I made a good one chosing a highly recommended facility worth every penny you pay for. (and there are lots of penny's). So far my child is healthy, I am doing the best that I can do. And that's how I manage. I manage by knowing I am doing the best I can do with what I can control.

And I think that is a big accomplishment.

Motherhood changes me menally and also physically.... lets get on the topic of caffiene. How about how I havent had hardly any!  I dont know how i do it most days.  Today, for example, Nick decided to wake up at 4:06am and was unable to comfort himself back to sleep. I got up and fed him and I have a difficult time going back to bed once i am up. So although i was up so early I didnt need any coffee in the morning. Actually, every day since i got back to work I only had one cup of coffee ONCE. And that was the first day because i thought i needed it. It turns out I dont. It's like the little engine inside me got replaced and is a little more fine tuned with the amount of fuel it needs to run these days. Weekends I am up early and trying to get stuff done before Nick wakes up.  I always liked being up before nine or ten, but these days its more like six of seven. I just find a way to be productive when I need to be i guess. Wierd.

A lot of these things I could have never predicted about myself. I like my new lifestyle, but i miss some of the freedoms I had before. Especially with my social life, but I am finding my true friends understand and never waver.  Some are even having kids of thier own now so we are sharing in the experience.   I do wish that I could spend more time with Nick during the week however. I am not sure if this is a little bit of the Grass is Greener mentality, or if i really do wish i could be a SAHM.  Most days i do wish i could stay home... it's hard to say bye to him in the mornings.  And I have a wierd feeling as i go to work every day... like I am doing this only temporarily. I dont know why i feel that way. I dont know if that is a good or a bad thing.  I guess no matter how things work out, it's good not to overburden myself with a mentality that it could be like this for the long haul.  It could be a depressing mind set. 

I love my little boy more than anything, and I am so optimistic of all the great memories we have waiting for us ahead. He has already given me so many and he isnt even four months old yet.   Sometimes when Matt calls me during the day and I hear Nick on the phone my heart just goes pitter patter. Or when I need a little break at work I look at his pictures and I feel my heart at the bottom of my belly. I cant believe how much I love him. He gives me more joy than I could have ever imagined. And what's even more exciting is this is just the start of this little family of ours.