Thursday, April 12, 2012

What's the trade -off?

A few weeks ago on my day off I happened to have flipped on Anderson Cooper when Madonna was on the show. I don't usually watch much daytime TV, if any, these days but this one I tuned in to for a while. And one thing that resonated with me was when she said that you really have to believe in what you are doing in life.  You have to be passionate about your work- whatever it is that you do-- because finding a good job or something that you love is hard to come by. And there are going to be lots of struggles and battles along the way and you really need to really believe and love it that you are doing and be willing to fight for whatever it is.

So how do you pick what is worth fighting for? How do you know you will love it and have the passion? I am often thinking about the life i want to lead and the kind of mother i want to be, and the actual work that i do. A work, that right now, feels fairly passionless. Work that i do for the money and for the freedoms it gives me outside of the work hours.  I would have less freedoms without it, but would my life be better? Ever since having a baby changed my life, it has totally changed my priorities and ambitions. I want to be the best person i can be for my kids,  i am one of most important role models for how they will live and shape their life.  How do i find a way to be the best person i can be?

Matt and I have talked about him putting in a lot of hours for the company his brother and his dad have built to make it grow. But we don't know how big it will get, there is no way to predict the future. It just seems like you have to make sacrifices to make it work, and they have to come in all different places of your life.  I worry that the sacrifices of having a husband working all the time away from the home is one that I cannot live with and sustain.   To have to work all day, to keep up with house work and be able to spend time with my child and not to have my husband around to support the effort. I am overwhelmed by the thought.   I already can barely keep up with the yard work, cleaning, dishes, grocery shopping, all that needs to be done. But to have to do it alone? Will the trade-off be worth it? I feel envious of SAHMs, of all the things they have time to do, all the things they get done at home WHILE still being able to spend quality time with their babies. But don't they also have a husband they can look forward to seeing at 5:30? How hard will that be? How do you navigate the decision process and how to you feel confident in making one? How do you find the passion and happiness amidst a sea of uncertainty?

Friday, April 6, 2012

The list of 101 things

I dont feel like writing much, just dont feel like it. But it has been a while since I re-visited this list. Let's see where we are:

I will put Completed Items in Purple

In NO particular order... here goes: My 101 things!

1) Do more Yoga and get good at it

2) Lose 10 pounds

3) cook more-- learn more healthy recipes

4) Write more letters to my friends - do thank you cards count?

5)Learn more things to do with my hair

6) Start an in-house project

7) Take a cooking class

8) Take a cake decorating class

9) Take a spinning class (i have been too scared to try it)

10) Read more books


12) Have another cookout

13) Go cabining

14) Go to Mammoth Cave

15)Make a Wedding Album *

16) Preserve my wedding Dress

17) Print a mural wedding picture

18) Pull out the large ugly shrubs on the side of my house

19) Re-plant the side of my house

20)Plan a trip to visit my sister

21)Host a dinner party

22) Babysit my nephews more

23)Get more involved with my Church

24) Go to church more frequently

25) Try to recover my old pictures and files from my broken laptop

26)Wear more colors to work (besides varying shades of white, black and grey)

27)Play tennis again

28) Play a game of racquetball

29) Start going to bed earlier

30)Try to keep up with laundry more during the week

31) Blog more frequently

32) Take Odie to the dog park

34)Update my address book

35) Think about buying a new house

37) Go on more dates with my husband- tried to before baby

38) Update my iPod

39)Update my resume

40)Buy window treatments for my dining room

41)Go on more walks

42)buy my Mom flowers

43)Delete old numbers in my cell phone

44) make a home cooked meal for my good friend's family in need

45)Learn to listen better

46) Say Thank you to much husband more

47)Pay off my student loans

48) Take some more time for me

49) Take one big trip with Matt before we have kids

50) Visit my parents more

51)Complain less about work

52) Hang more pictures in my house

53)Clean the garage

54) Go the the Art Museum

55) Go to the Krohn Conservatory

56) Go Apple Picking

57) Go to the pumpkin patch

58) Buy a new pair of Mizunos

59) Organize my inbox at work-- delete more emails

60) Organize my inbox at home-- delete more emails

61)Buy more nail polish

62)Read the news more

Not too bad, it's been SO long since i looked at this, i had to really think back of what i wanted when i created ths list. Boy my life has changed since then....

Monday, April 2, 2012

Dear Baby Nicholas Month Four

Dear My Sweet Baby Nicholas,

Tomorrow you will be four months old, I cannot believe it!  It feels like yesterday I was writing to you at three months.  You are sweeter every day and I just LOVE watching you grow.  You are now smiling AT us and your smile is worth ten thousands suns because it brightens up everything around you.  You love your dad a lot (and I know you love me) but sometimes I will hold you and you see Daddy walk in the room and you look at him and get HUGE smile on your face. You love to listen to him talk because you often have lots to say back. 

But o your giggle! Where do I even start. When i am at work and I imagine your laugh I can feel my heart in the bottom of my stomach. I love it so much i can feel the emotion physically. Its the cutest thing, it's all breath like deep inhales and quick exhales... i cant describe because it doesn't do it justice just how absolutely adorable it is. Lots of things make you laugh... other babies, your cousins dancing and jumping around you, singing and dancing with mommy and daddy,  so many things.  You are quite a personality... sometimes you are quite and content just hanging out with lots of people listening and watching us. Other times you are content but have SO MUCH TO SAY. You certainly interrupt sometimes with your coos and hoos..... but we always stop to listen because it so darn sweet. AND O SO interesting. We tell you that all the time.  Yesterday in the car you talked almost the entire 40 minutes up to grandma and grandpa's house.

This month you were Baptized by Father Knapp- the same Priest who married Mommy and Daddy.  He thought you were adorable, but the couple times he has seen you, you have been very serious. But that is better than loud and angry. You seem like an agreeable person, you don't mind when other people hold you and you are quite intrigued by other people and the world around you. You loved being in church, you were looking around most of Mass, and you even where singing along to the responsorial psalm.  It was hard for me to contain myself it was so cute.

The weather has been spectacular this month, lots of days in the upper 70s and 80s and sunny... very unseasonal for March weather... so we have gotten out a lot.  You love to be outside. Sometimes when you get fussy just bringing you outside will calm you down. And i don't mind it one bit, i love to be outside just as much.

Another new development of yours is you have discovered where you mouth is. YOu love to put your hands in there, sometimes both at the same time. You suck on those little hands the the drool just pours out. It's hard to believe how much drool can be generated from such a little person. You go through a LOT of bibs mister.  We did recently notice two baby teeth right below your gums in the front-bottom.. they could start popping through in the next month. I am sure they probably don't feel all the great, but you don't appear to be bothered by them much yet. You are a little trooper.

We go to the doctor again next Friday, but at this point you are well over 15 lbs and pretty tall. Your cheeks have filled out and you have a perfectly adorable little round face.  I love everything about that little face, your big eyes, your poutty lips, your stubby little nose and perfect ears-- and you have more dark hair than you did just a couple months ago. You are the cutest baby around. Getting cuter by the second.

There is lots more in store for you as the days continue to stay warm and summer approaches. Soon you will be eating real food with us!  And we get to enjoy lots of new out door activities like kings island, and maybe even the pool at grandma's and grandpas. I hope we can take swim lessons or some class together this summer just the two of us. I treasure every minute that i get to spend with you like it's gold. Except worth way more to me than a mountain made of gold.

I love you more than you possibly know.