Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Busy life as a Bachelorette

I have been struggling to find time to write about whats going on in my life. Mostly because I have been so busy with what's going on in my life I cant really sort out and prioritize what I should be doing first no less think about how I can write about it. Aside from my head being crazy full, today is the first day I woke up for work and not felt like i got run over by a bus. And i mean that in probably as literal as possible since I have been a COMPLETE WASTE both at work and out of work. UNBELIEVABLY TIRED and lacking motivation, and also lacking the ability to formulate complete sentences. Honestly, i thought i should go to the doctor to get tested for mono because I dont ever remember feeling so lethargic and exhausted-- and for such a prolonged period. Yes, prolonged.... a whopping 3 days. Big whoop, right?

I have to thank my loving friends for throwing me an AWESOME bachelorette party this weekend in which i stayed up later than i ever have in the past 2-3 years. UP late and I dont sleep in much anymore... leaving me one tired and off balanced girl. Friday night I didnt go to bed until after 3am since my sister's flight was cancelled and she was routed to Louiville at midnight. I work up around 9:30 on Saturday morning and on Saturday night i went to bed after 4am. Yes, 4am!

Get out of denial, Donna, You-are-not-in-college-anymore.

But gosh was it neat to have ALL my best girlfriends in ONE room. We rented a SAWEET hotel room at the hyatt and E, C and D all got stuff ready to have chocolate, wine and cheese. E, C, and D were like little angels, they helped SO much. In fact, they blew me away by how much time and $$ they spent on this night. I am almost feeling bad about it since they just went ABOVE and BEYOND what I could have ever asked them to do. It was extra special to be able to spend extra time with them this weekend, we rarely all get to see each other. We are all sisters who have an unbelievably strong bond. I just love them.

The night in general was just awesome, it was awesome to have so many great people with me. In fact, i kept thinking that night that this will probably be the last time that this exact group of girls will all be together in one room like this. We went out to a really fun dinner, J brought a yummy cake to eat after dinner back at the hotel, and then we all hit the bars. We stayed up really late. And after we got back and all went to bed, P and I chatted together for another hour at least. It was one of the chats that dont get to happen very often because rarely do we have uninterrupted time together just the two of us. It was a great night. A night i will remember for a long looong time.

All of Sunday i felt totally out of it and a complete waste, and my work week has been odd since i cant seem to get my head in the game. Plus, i need to be studying some more this week for the PMP certification test i take a week from today. SO much going on. And i feel like i have stuff going on after work so many nights. O ya, and i have to start packing up my apartment soon. O my so much to do.

But life is hella good right now.

Here a some highlights from the rockin night on Saturday.

A picture i love my sister snapped-- all of the girls walking to dinner

Everyone in the hotel room

Dinner at Blackfinn

Thursday, August 13, 2009

100th Post

wow. That sure seems like a big number. I have been expecting this number and have been brewing over something good to write about for this very anti-climatic milestone. What is worthy in a 100th post? Maybe i should take this time, now 100 posts in, to think about what direction i want to take this little blog-o-mine. What do I really want to consider it? It really has no sense of cogency, it has no theme, no direction, and really- i am not that good of a writer either. What is the point?

The more the entries add up am i really going to look back through them and read what i thought on some specific day. Even my 'deepest' thoughts are still rather shallow and normally fleeting. I dont think I necessarily have any lessons to share with the world, and there is a very very small percentage of that world that would stumble on this web page anyway. I have done very little publicizing of it, perhaps subconsciously i would rather keep it diary-esque? I really have no idea. What is the point.

Perhaps these thoughts about this little blog-o-mine are symbolic of this greater feeling about my life in general. At this very not-so-ripe age of 26 what have i really done? Sometimes the greatest story tellers are those that have gone through hardships or have lived a reeeally, really long life before them and have something to share. I cant quite relate. And I really don't think someone needs to experience something grand and great, or heart wrentching and disastrous, to have something so say to world. OR let me rephrase that, to have something to say that has any value or meaning.

When I was in college i lead a retreat with a team of 20 other wonderful people. The name of it was Metanoia which means "change of heart." It was great to be a participant, but even better leading it because you got to experience and see the feeling the other participants had during their journey. It was so rewarding to be a part of. One of lessons i took away from it was the idea that everyone has a story. It's always been so easy to judge people, or write people off, or forget somone, or something relational when everyone has a story. 'This person is quiet and shy for a reason, they shouldn't be forgotten. Or this person may seem all bubbly and nice but actually are heartbreaking inside because of something that has happened to them personally.' The scenarios like this are endless. Everyone has a story and it is our job as people of community to learn about each person and learn their story. You, too, have something to teach someone. And often you dont even realize it.

This is a great take-away and too often i forget this lesson. More often than not i am looking for a another Metanoia of my own. Especially right now when I feel overwhelmed with my job, wedding planning, trying to get out of a gym membership, o the endless to-do list.... I need a change of heart. It's like I am searching for something to give outwardly which i think will in turn help me inwardly. As i well know about myself, what others feel and think about me is very effective on my mood. I know this because when i am around certain wonderful friends I come home feeling like the top of the world and how happy and included and loved and comfortable i am. And other times, like last night with other sets of friends, i feel a little drained and over worked. It's a strange feeling that I dont feel like dissecting right now. But at the very core is ME. I am the one stagnant variable. I am the control. And i am IN CONTROL.

As i go my way of life I am going to learn that i don't need a Metanoia to necessarily cope better with overwhelming situations. Who and what I am is something that I need to love inside and out from INSIDE myself. And in the very special and unique time in my life right before i get married, i need to step back and enjoy it. And NOT get overcome by the minutia of it all. This time in my life is short lived and must be enjoyed.

The book I am reading right now the author talks about the calm inside yourself. And to think of the world like a spinning wheel. It's chaotic on the outside, things are changing and happening to you every minute every day that can consume your thoughts. The outside is spinning very fast while the center is slow and barely turning. And in that center is ME. My heart. ANd to take solace in my heart when life is chaotic. I accept those thoughts that make me sad or happy or stressed or disgruntled, accept them and move on.

I have to end on an up note, since i dont want to re-read this post in the future and think I am in a bad place right now. I am not, in fact i know i am in one of the best places right now. And physically whatever place i stand doesnt matter because this happy place in within. Because my heart is full of love, I have a lot of love around me to keep pouring into it, and I am just beginning this journey in my life that will only get better. I haven't even seen the half of it.... and I am buckled in for the best ride of my life.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Day by Day

I know I have said this like a thousand times over the past few months, by MY GOD I AM SO BUSY!!! I cant seem to catch my breath. It's like every week night i have 2-4 things going on and have a long list of to-do's, and no time for any of them. On top of busy, BUSY weekends. I suppose i shouldnt be complaining, really all things going on a good things the involve my friends, wedding planning, family, etc. But I am having a hard time catching my breath. It's like i just need time to slow down so i can pick my feet back up and re-start my pace.

This past week Ive been busy but really happy about what i've been getting into. Lets start with thursday afternoon. I decided to take the day off work and meet my mom in Columbus to get some wedding stuff done, to get away, and to spend a little time with her. Of course, we got NOTHING accomplished, but it was so so nice being able to spend the time with her. That night matt and I took Art B. over to the levee... for the first time! Let me tell you about this old man named Art. He has lived in my building for about 3 years, he is always by himself, he is in a wheel chair, he is always sitting in the lobby waiting to spark a conversation with someone, did i mention he is always by himself? Well, he is actually married but apparently she doesnt spend ANY time with him. This mans looks at Newport across the river EVERY DAY from his apartment and has never been the 1/2 mile over there. UNBELIEVABLE! This poor man, he is clearly lonely. So in a little off-the-cuff conversation i had i told him i would take him to the levee one of these days. And that day happened to be last Thursday. Which we also would find out that it was the day before his 72nd birthday. Anotehr birthday in which he had NO PLANS. He couldnt even rememeber the last present he got from his wife, he couldnt remember the last time he had such a nice time. It really just broke my heart. We decided to take him to a nice dinner at Brio and treat him for his birthday. He wanted to pay but it was clear he has NO money to spend. Perhaps his wife controls all thier money. This was made even clearer when we went in a little shop to waste time and he wanted to buy a little momento or something. He looked and looked and the only thing that he ended up buying was a drink stirrer for .79 cents. ONE stirrer. As he was going back up to his apartment he said how it was one of the nicests evenings he has had in a long, long time..... I am so glad we did that.

Friday night Matt and I went over his friend's B and A to have dinner. They are such a nice couple and truly good friends of Matt's. They cooked up a delighful dinner and then we went over to A's parents house to pick out our wedding present. Her dad is going to custom make us a stained glass piece. What a cool present, isnt it?! It will definitely be something we will have for a very, VERY long time. Afterwards we went back to thier house and player cranium until one in the morning just laughting and laughing and it was SUCH a wonderful night.

Saturday we got up early and made a trip to kroger and up to DAyton to go canoeing the entire day and then have a cookout at D's house. ALL day in the hot sun and didnt get burned bur ENTIRELY bruised-up instead. It was a lot of fun, and the cookout was always fun, and ALWAYS hanging out with that group of friends is delightfully refreshing. No drama, we all get along so well, we are so close to each other, and it always just makes me feel so good that I really do have such wonderful friends in this world. These past two nights were just soooooo nice. And since i havent seen some of them in a few weeks they didnt forget my birtday and gave me some presents. I-was-so-touched. Gosh. I just love them!

Yesterday Matt and I went out to lunch at Habeneros and then to his parents house so we could all leave together for a funeral. Which was chaotic, but i helped Matt's mom with the rehearsal dinner invites-- which are so beautiful-- and then went out to dinner. It was a little chaotic. But it ended the weekend on a high note.

This week i have so much to do.And next week is going to be worse. I am taking a PMP bootcamp class and then eventually i have to take the certification test. O my god does that stress me out. The thought of studying and being stressed to take a test... a test that if i fail it will be public, and if i have to re-take it i will have to pay the 2000 or 1500 dollars that is costs. Oy.

Day by day is my mantra, i need to get through today first. I need to slow down and take deep breaths. When i look back on this time i will have no idea what it is that is worrying me or keeping me up at night. It all really doesnt matter that much in the end. I am working on this. Slowely i am working on quieting my mind and taking each day as it comes.

Until i write again....

Monday, August 3, 2009

Flooring it in neautral

I am flooring it in neutral, that is what Matt said to me last night as I was wading through a flurry of stress that had consumed me yesterday. That I stayed up late worrying about all the things i need to do, yet I did none of them this weekend. So many things but i feel like I am stalling, because i cant seem to make up my mind about anything. Anything! Which is why i cant get anything done.

I think i was born without that 'wedding planning' gene that all women seem to talk about. My friends who have gotten married before me all seem to say how much they enjoyed the process; I-for one- CANNOT wait until the day gets here just i can stop thinking about all the stuff i have to do! In fact, i think i said multiple MULTIPLE times this weekend how much i hate wedding planning. Maybe after the day has come and gone i will think back on the experience and forget the negative feelings and remember only the fun things. But right now, I am just wishing it to be over. All i really want is to be married to matt. I am not enjoying all the logistic planning and constant talking about all the little things. And it's those little things that are making me crazy right now. Like, what do i we do about the parking situation. What about the dates of the wedding party, what should they do about parking? And then what about cleaning up the church, and then setting up the church. O wait, and then what if i messed up the flowers order and the flower girl doesn't have her flowers. OR what if they wrote the wedding was at 6pm and they dont come? OR what if our GIANT cake falls over!?! hold on, what if the cake table doesnt have an outlet for the fountain. nooow, wedding part gifts.... what the heck am i going to get you all!?! And matt's gifts? What should i do with my hair? What if it looks ugly by ther reception? Do i wear it down? What about my head piece... i dont want to order it online. And our wedding bands, i dont want to order those online either. When am i going to find time to design and print programs? Joe and Jenn's programs were so pretty and nice, our's will never look that nice because I AM SICK OF SPENDING MONEY!!

And i have a thing about asking for help.

Not that i am afraid, i am just not that organized.

uuuugh. Wade through the paragraph above and most of it can be deleted i am sure. But it's just a snippet of the madness that goes through my mind. I seriously think i am neurotic. And then when people ask me about the wedding, i like to down play it because i dont want to appear that neurotic. I just dont feel like reliving what is going on in my head. So usually when people ask me how it's going i always say.." i am not doing much...". Which is the truth. Except in my crazy head.

I did, however, pick up my wedding dress this weekend and paid for it all. I went by myself and tried it on and it is BEAUTIFUL. I really love it. I also picked out these totally adorable white satin pumps. They give me a little lift too, so i am not that much shorter than matt for pictures. The rest of the weekend was spent pretty much flying by the seat of our pants. We had no real plans, and honestly-- i wouldnt have wanted it any other way. Friday night we went out to dinner with matts brothers, Jennifer and jake. And pretty much hung out with them the entire night. Saturday we ran errands together, went out to lunch, and ran and went swimming. We also went to this hole-in-the-wall pizza place for dinenr around 9pm and it was really fun. Saturday was just a really great day. Sunday was slower, i didn't do much. But I am back to Monday and already planning out the entire week.

There is an old man in a wheel chair who is always in the lobby of my apartment. I think he is lonely, his wife always seems to leave him behind. I dont think i have ever seen his wife. He seems kind of locked up in the building, he's not very mobile and always wants to spark a conversation. A few weeks back he told me that he has never been to the levee-- which is RIGHT ACROSS THE Bridge from our building. Literally, i am there all the time. It's hard to believe. So Matt and I are taking him over there for dinner on Thursday. Poor old man, hopefully he has a good time with us.

Next weekend should be busy. Plans almost every night. I am ready to be done with the week already!

For now, ill leave with this: