Friday, July 24, 2009
Well, this book is about soul searching, and finding yourself, and finding God. Something I can very much relate to. I am only on page 50 or so, I cant quiet figure out her perspectives yet, but I am very much intrigued. And very jealous. She basically spends a year travelling to Italy, India, and Indonesia to learn about life's little lessons. And then gets a book advance to write about them. Could she be any luckier? I don't ever see myself spending 4 months away living in a different country on a different continent to be able to pick up these spiritual insights. But yet I am thirsty for it. I am always trying to find my strength in God, and improving myself, and improving my relationships. I have a hard time sleeping at night because i cant quiet my mind. Finding and understanding the relationship with yourself and with God it seems like a path to peace. It really has nothing to do heaven and life after death (although, yes, it is written in the scriptures). For those people who don't have this relationship, i wonder why they cant seem the value that is can bring to their lives now. In the quality of your life while you are still living. Life happens fast.
Currently one thing that stirs and picks away at me is friendships in my life. No, they don't really eat away at my heart because I have found some truly deep and meaningful relationships. In fact, i have been extremely blessed when i think of faces of my friends I love. But I constantly find myself wanting to thank them. Maybe "thank" isn't the right word. But make them understand that they effort and thought they have put into our friendship really, really means a lot to me. I find myself leaving conversations with some friends thinking, 'gosh, i hope what i said about something-er-other didn't come out wrong.' Or, I certainly hope they didn't get bored with that i was saying. Or hope what i said about what's it called was appropriate. Basically, all this self- analysis about how the other person has felt or thought during my time with them. I would be at ease if i knew they enjoyed themselves. But no one ever really knows what happens in an other person's head. Therefore, when we depart from the situation or conversation i feel the need to 'thank' them and convey somehow that really enjoyed and appreciate this time spent. And it really meant a lot to me to have some of their time. It's almost like i over-compensate here. At the end. Because sometimes a bad time can be overlooked if something positive results. I am so critical of myself! I feel like understanding myself, loving myself, having a little more faith in who and what I am will allow me silence my mind. It will calm my heart.
I find that those relationships that flurry activity in my head-- again, not speaking of those deep, meaningful best friendships I have cultivated-- but the other friendships that don't reciprocate this feeling back to me. These are the friends that dont put a lot of thought into our relationship. And it's clear. I let this relationship pick at me. Why? I have no idea. For example, this week I have a friend from college who emailed me. She is someone i do consider a friend, we have know each other a while. I am getting married (she is not a bridesmaid) but someone who never really asked me if i needed helping with anything, never came to any of my wedding showers or responded really. Yet, i do consider her a friend. I overlook things and not get upset with them like a rational person should. But she emailed me this week, a short email, to see if we wanted to get together sometime this week and asked me how the shower went this weekend. It was nice of her to ask. I responded with a an email 3 times as long, full of questions back and supportive comments for her-- she is getting married too-- and it was actually a delightful email that i would have loved to receive. This was monday. I responded on Monday. She never responded back. Today is Friday.
I need to be at peace with myself to realize that this is not a reflection back at me.
I struggle with this.
Elizabeth Gilbert says in her book something to effect of not thinking about this situation with your head, but looking at the situation through your heart. I still need to figure out what this means. And how to related it to every day situations. And how to introspectively handle my challenges. Of course, i dont plan on learning all of life's little lessons from this one book. But it certainly is on my mind right now. She is quite inspiring; Perhaps only because she is relatable with her candor engaging her readers in her emotional and cultural tapestry.
I am-- and we all are-- a work in progress.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
So i recently heard this song and I am absolutely in love with it. I am in love with the instrumentals, the song, the feeling behind it, everything about it. When you listen to it gives you a really good feeling, it fills you up and almost makes you strong. Something. a feeling, i seem to lose too often. I wish it was tangible so that I could put it in my pocket and take out when ever I feel myself getting weak. Or overcome by emotions of insecurities, fear, anxiety, sadness. Not that these feelings are with me often, but things happen to me with my friends, important relationships that I let control me when really I need to take control myself.
My dear friend C lives her life in an incredible and honest way. She follows her faith in God, her faith in herself, and trust herself in life's unexpected situations. She has heart and I admire the way she lives her life. When you meet her you are drawn to her spirit and her soul. She is my best friend. She is also a role model. She is sister, she is a soul mate. she is my best friend.
I need to remind myself that God has given me a lot of blessings. The grass is never greener on the other side. I have a LOT, a lot, of love in my life. I have been fortunate with a lot of travels and experiences. I have found the love of a lifetime that will only grow in the years to come. I have so much to see ahead of me in life time. I chose to make the most of the situations that I encounter, what goes around always comes back. I have nothing to lose.
Monday, July 20, 2009
My parents came down late on saturday so matt and i cleaned my apartment in the morning, went out for lunch, went swimming in the afternoon, and still had time to run the vacuum and do other random clean-up stuff before they came down. they got here and we went for a walk downtown to show them all the 'wedding sites' and how close all the locations were. Unfortunately we couldn't walk inside of of the venues because of other events were going on at the time. But we did manage to walk inside the Hilton Netherlands where out of town guest have a block of rooms reserved. As i must say we were all VERY IMPRESSED. Talk about a grand a fancy hotel. It is sure to please everyone. After our little walk we sat down for dinner outside , waiting for the rain to come and go, and had drinks in the square and at another local restaurant. We got back late and was ready for another busy day on sunday.
Sunday I had another shower with Matt's family and some local friends. It was a pure delight.! Of course, i was so stressed out, worried about those of my friends who came that didnt know anyone. Worried that people weren't enjoying themselves, worried that people didnt have anyone to talk to. O so many worries. And above all, opening presents is SO stressful because all the spotlight is on ME and how i react to opening housewares. Oy, this is SO hard to do and soooo stressful!! I Am so glad it is over. But everyone gave us such wonderful presents, everyone was SO kind and generous to me, everyone was waiting on me! It was like I was constantly thanking someone for something they did for me the entire day.
The friends that came were those that touch my heart so deeply. They are so genuine and make me reconfirm my decision on who to pick in my bridal party to stand next to me that day that i get married. I am so so blessed to have such wonderful friends. And the thing that made me almost fall to my knees is when C walked in the house. My very best friend from childhood and all time who drove ALL TEH WAY FROM CLEVELAND just to be there for a couple hours. O just thinking about it make makes me want to crumble and fall into just a puddle of gooey emotions. I just cant believe it! I feel so bad she had to drive all the way, and it was sooo unnecessary, but gosh, i just cannot BELIEVE she did that. And for me. It almost makes me weepy thinking about it.
Everyone was just so nice to me, and made me feel so loved and welcomed. And every one of Matt's family members hugged me and said how much they loved me and cant wait for me to be in the family. O and my friends, they are so generous with their time. It was exactly the pick-me-up i needed to get me over that lull i seemed to have been feeling. This feeling that i had that the wedding is so far away,. only work and money involved that gets me down. But this uplifted my spirits.
I cannot wait for the bachelorette party for the pure reason that i get to spend time with these wonderful friends of mine. I am so lucky.
I am just SO. Lucky.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I have no idea where to begin to play catch up, or why I haven't blogged but once this month. I am not sure I have any interesting tales to tell. My birthday was last weekend and I was pretty good. I suppose no complaints, and I heard from a lot of my friends so that was nice. This weekend my parents are coming down to celebrate our birthdays and Sunday I am having another shower with Matt's family. I am excited but nervous at the same time. I HATE being the center of attention, and showers really have never been my kind of thing in general. But I think it will be really nice.
Tonight J and A and I are supposed to go out to dinner for my birthday and the comedy club, i hope we still do this. I miss them, we haven't hung out in a couple weeks and it feels like too long. My week nights have been surprisingly busy lately (as well as my weekends). Just this past week it seems i had stuff going on just about every night. Monday I went out to eat with matt, went to the grocery, and worked out. Yesterday I drove up to Dayton to to the Flower Factory with J to find presents for the shower hosts this weekend. And we went out to dinner. I love that girl. Here it is Thursday and already peering into all the stuff i need to accomplish this weekend.
Wedding responsibilities are increasing, all the little things are adding up now. Finding presents for the attendants and readers, finding all the extras for the ceremony, find MY bridal accessories, favors, finish invitation stuff, o there is so much. I wish the whole thing would just get here already!! I have this strange feeling like the wedding is just some abstract event way in the future, I am excited about it but it is calming because it just seems so far away. I suppose this has to be normal.
I wish had other things to talk about on here today. My body and mind are tired right now, I am still not sleeping all that well. Tomorrow is Friday, I am looking forward to a nice weekend. And hopefully some interesting posts next week.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I am really not depressed or anything right now. I am happy just very tired from lack of sleep and not eating all that well recently. Which probably inadvertently causes stress since i am concerned about how i look and the image of my wedding dress in my head. I need to refocus or something.
My birthday is this weekend and for the first time i am not excited about it at all. I have no idea why, i am actually down playing more than i even have and this is unlike me. I almost want it just to come and go very quickly. Usually i want to gather a group and go out, but this year Matt and I are going on a little trip and having a nice dinner away. Low key, we'll probably dress up and have a night out. It will be nice. Hopefully rejuvenating. Maybe i feel this way since I was rather shaken up by what happened last year. It kind of shifted my paradigm since as we all get married, have kids, other things going on makes this day is less important. I have no idea how i feel about it all. Maybe after this weekend ill be more positive about it upon reflection.
This week has been busy. Tonight we are meeting with Dr. Bailey to talk about the music for the wedding. Hopefully this is fun. Last night J and I went over to Matt's parents house to get the shower favors ready for my wedding shower next weekend. (this also stresses me out). I have no idea why. I feel like on occasions that are supposed to be about me stress me out because sometimes i let the people who dont care affect me more that they should. I need to stop thinking like this!! It's making me crazy! Especially if it makes me lose sight of the value of all those people who do. It's so unlike me, it's a very pessimistic position. Especially when i generally try to live my life so positively. I sometimes put more thought and care into how people think or feel than i should, and often this is not reciprocal. It is self- induced stressed that i can probably get rid of myself. But i still want to be warm and loving because that is who i am. I don't think i can sort through all my thoughts on here. Ill depart from this subject for right now.
In other news I got a raise at work and it couldn't have come at a better time. In fact, it's quite a raise with a step increase to go a long with it. I am very pleased about it all, especially when i have been working so hard. (Although right now I am very unmotivated). Matt is applying for a supervisor position at work now too, i am really praying he gets it. He deserves it more than anyone i know.
Well, I am promising myself i wont go weeks without posting. And my next post will be much more cogent and much more positive. Just a little reprieve from the grind right now. Happy Thursday!