Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The List

So i discovered someone;s blog today on facebook and i really liked something she did. She had 101 in 1001 in list form for 101 things to accomplish in 1001 days. Now i am too lazy to do the math, i have no idea how many years 1001 days are. But i like the concept and it got my brainstorming. Or perhaps the thought was if i actually write it down maybe i will do it. Thinking of 101 things maybe be quite a task but i guess they don't all have to be big accomplishments. Just things I want to do:

In NO particular order... here goes: My 101 things!
1) Do more Yoga and get good at it
2) Lose 10 pounds
3) cook more-- learn more healthy recipes
4) Write more letters to my friends
5)Learn more things to do with my hair
6) Start an in-house project
7) Take a cooking class
8) Take a cake decorating class
9) Take a spinning class (i have been too scared to try it)
10) Read more books
12) Have another cookout
13) Go cabining
14) Go to Mammoth Cave
15)Make a Wedding Album *
16) Preserve my wedding Dress
17) Print a mural wedding picture
18) Pull out the large ugly shrubs on the side of my house
19) Re-plant the side of my house
20)Plan a trip to visit my sister
21)Host a dinner party
22) Babysit my nephews more
23)Get more involved with my Church
24) Go to church more frequently
25) Try to recover my old pictures and files from my broken laptop
26)Wear more colors to work (besides varying shades of white, black and grey)
27)Play tennis again
28) Play a game of racquetball
29) Start going to bed earlier
30)Try to keep up with laundry more during the week
31) Blog more frequently
32) Take Odie to the dog park
34)Update my address book
35) Think about buying a new house
37) Go on more dates with my husband
38) Update my iPod
39)Update my resume
40)Buy window treatments for my dining room
41)Go on more walks
42)buy my Mom flowers
43)Delete old numbers in my cell phone
44) make a home cooked meal for my good friend's family in need
45)Learn to listen better
46) Say Thank you to much husband more
47)Pay off my student loans
48) Take some more time for me
49) Take one big trip with Matt before we have kids
50) Visit my parents more
51)Complain less about work
52) Hang more pictures in my house
53)Clean the garage
54) Go the the Art Museum
55) Go to the Krohn Conservatory
56) Go Apple Picking
57) Go to the pumpkin patch
58) Buy a new pair of Mizunos
59) Organize my inbox at work-- delete more emails
60) Organize my inbox at home-- delete more emails
61)Buy more nail polish
62)Read the news more

I guess i cant think of 101 things... but made it will be my list in progress. I will update accordingly-- and hopefully post about them as i go.
Lets see how this goes.....

Friday, July 23, 2010

An autobiography

I don't know if I have mentioned it in another post recently, sorry if i repeat. My grandma wrote an autobiography. She told her kids and about it this year a few months back and I remember thinking what a cool thing. When she passed it was distributed-- the three copies she manually typed-- for each of her kids. When i went home for the funeral last months i saw it on my parents table but i just couldn't read it. It was hard enough pulling it together, but reading that would make me fall to pieces knowing i cant ask her questions and hear her stories anymore.

I read it yesterday.

Last week an "Addendum" surfaced and it was slightly more current. I read them both. I read them at work for some reason, i don't know why. Maybe i thought i could separate myself from it a little if i read it at work. And it was close to the end of the day so instead of starting something i wouldn't finish, i read my grandma's autobiography. It was incredible. What a neat life she had; she separates the document in pieces: Her parents, her family, her jobs, her husband, and then the last page is a handwritten page that says "my favorite times." All pieces are so fascinating and i can pull out some of what she wrote from the stories she would tell us. And then when i left work i got sad. Because memories of sitting in grandmas house, and laughing at some of the stuff she says and the way she talked when she told those stories. I am SO sad, i am wiping tears and i think about it. But i know when the pain lessons I am going to re-read it and think about how wonderful she was. And be able to show MY kids a little piece of the wonderful women that shaped my life for 26 years.

Now, i think about this like grandma would have documented in her life. It would be very sad, but she would chronology it because some of the things my grandma lived to see and do would blow your mind. She discusses the loss of her brothers, sisters,friends, neighbors, and even her own son. She says that pain is the most hurtful. But this is just one time in my life-- similar to my grandma's-- there are ebbs and flows and sometimes times are just a little happier than others.

I miss her deeply.

Its going to be hard this weekend going into her house to take some stuff away. But i am hoping i can repress these feelings for the car ride home on Sunday. But maybe it wont be sad, maybe ill be on project mode and not think about it. I have no idea. I want to kick myself for reading that right before this weekend. I shoulda waited?

I am tired today at work because i stayed up very late last night playing Monopoly with Matt, his friend C and E. It was a lot of fun actually. E and I drank 2 bottles of wine. It was a random but well embraced evening after the slightly emotional evening i had already embarked upon after leaving work. When I got home I also for my first letter from K, my friend I was in Chicago for at the end of June. I haven't discussed much about that situation yet, but receiving my first correspondence was a mixed bag of emotions. Emotions are tiring.

Matt and I went to the library last night and got 4 books on tape for the looong car ride with the trailer tonight. I am reeeally reeeally hoping it helps.

Thats all i got for now. Until next time.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My Wednesday

I came into work in a pretty damn good mood today, despite the awful sleep i have been getting as of late. And I mean really bad sleep-- waking up ALL.THE.TIME. Ugh, i hate it. But i just want to describe the good mood, and free therapy, being surrounded by good people can really do for you.

Last night i had made plans a week or so ago with J and A to go out for my birthday. Well, we aren't fancy, we just wanted to see each other and so Panera by my house was decided upon. And I just want to say it was so great to be able to see them. SO. great. they are incredible friends to me. We closed the place, we talked for OVER 3 hours. So much to catch up on, nothing major, just stuff. And it was awesome. It made me feel so good about my life, and how lucky i am, and how much i really cherish the good friends i do have in my life.

That day also included a really happy (and appreciative) phone call from E, and then i got a package in the mail from K in Chicago!! It was an incredibly full filling day, it was so uplifting, and i went to bed just really, really happy. It felt like that was the first day in a while that i just finished the day and the highest note in the book. I realized (well, i guess it wasn't a revelation) that i dont need to worry about those in my life that dont care about me. I dont need lots of friends, i just need a few incredible ones. And those are the ones that will make me feel the best anyways.

Before i went to bed Matt and I ate a huge cookie that A bought for me, watched a silly game show on TV, and i snuggled up in bed. Tonight i am planning on going out with E to see Valerie who moved to Atlanta a couple months ago. I hope it;s a fun night, but that i can get to bed at a decent time. I am not much in the mood to be tired the rest of the week.

I am glad a made a few minutes to write today, i was on the verge of turning sour through this work day. But this helped. I need to remember this.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Ides of July

There seems so much to update about, however I am tired and just feel like mindlessly writing to pass the time as I move through another insanely busy week at work. I am not supposed to be in the office tomorrow, but I worry this is not going to be the case since there are so many concurrent activities happening now.

But no more work talk.

Things have been interesting in my life. I had a birthday last weekend. It was the first birthday in a while that i wasnt all that much looking forward to. But my BEST FRIEND of all time surprised visited. And it was amazing. And waay too short, but SO unbelievably well timed in my life. It was the best present should could have ever given me. When she left I felt sad because i wish we didnt live in different cities and it made me miss her. But i always remember how lucky i am when we do get to see each other... and it's always like no time has passed.

I have lots of busy weekends coming up, as i know i will be needing to travel home to help out with all the stuff at my grandma's old house. I have been doing well with the grief, and i do believe my parents are doing as well as can be expected. But the day after my birthday I called my other grandma to thank her for the birthday card I saw Grandma G' in my phone as i scrolled to Find Grandma V. It made me really sad for some reason. It was the second time i got really sad for no reason; the first time being about cooking and when i realized I cant aske grandma questions anymore about how she makes things. It is such a wierd and uncomfortable feeling. But alas, such is life.

I went to a REAL yoga class yesterday with F at this place and it was amazing. It was an hour and half yoga session and WOW did it feel good. It was hard, really hard, because I am not very flexible... but gosh so relaxing. And at the very end we layed on the grown for about 15 minutes resting and the instructor did Reiki, and ive never experienced it before. The jury is out if it worked, but over all i left feeling really good, and really calm, and in a completely different mood than when i arrived.

This weekend is going to be busy, and the following weekends for a few weeks. This weekend ill be in dayton for some birthdays, and saturday we are helping Matt's dad out to help sell his tractor business at the Cub Tug -- a non professional tractor pull. And actually, i am really looking forward to it. Hopefully there will be some relaxing pool-laying happening this weekend too. The following weekends this month there is a good chance we'll be back home helping at Grandma's house...

I looked at my calendar this morning and realized that in 3 and half months we'll be in EUROPE cruising the Rhine river. I am barely waiting. That vacation couldnt come soon enough!!!

that's all i got for now.... hopefully ill write again soon.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I am much more relaxed this week.

Thank GOODness.

Under ordinary circumstances-- and not having had the week i had last week-- i probably would be a little frantic this week at work. This is a busy week for me, but for some reason i feel like id rather handle this than stuff that i dealt with last week. I am calmer today.

My long weekend came at the perfect time and it was very enjoyable! I had Friday thru Monday off work-- i worked all of ONE day last week. Friday I was by myself and i cleaned, i shopped, i relaxed. And at night i went out with E and C, Matt, and a couple others. I got pretty drunk.... more than i tend to want to be but it was much needed! Saturday i woke up, baked a poppy seed cake for my dad (which, by the way, turned out exceptional!), then met M for lunch and a few hours of walking around the square, shopping, eating, tasting wine, talking, it was wonderful. When my parents arrived we went out for a great dinner, walked around town, went to the store and renting a movie. It was so relaxing!

Sunday was much of the same. Everyone got up at thier leisure and we made breakfast together at my house, talked, sat around and relaxed, and then Matt and I took them to the phenomenon known as Jungle Jims. We didn't have a lot of time to spend there, but they haven't been there since all the times they have visited. It was on the way to Uncle Rudy's house where we had a cookout with all of Matt's family. They loved it, they get a long pretty well with matt's family so i think this was just the prescription! They all had to drive back because my dad has SO much work to, but they left around 8 and matt and I stayed for Donny's fireworks, and then drove over to Gina's to watch the Hamilton fireworks from her driveway. It was a family filled day and i loved every minute of it.

Monday matt and I swam in his parents pool and didn't get much done. I RELAXED and that was all i wanted to accomplish. I went to quickly, this week is going to quickly, i cant believe it's mid-july already this weekend. And my birthday. Where did the summer go? Matt says he has something planned, it's a surprise, so i have no idea what my weekend will look like.

But anything is better than the last couple weeks.

Time to get back to work, gotta keep on swimming....

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Better days will come

These past 5 days have been the hardest 5 days i have had in a long time.
Possibly ever.

I was in Chicago saturday and Sunday for an intervention with one of my close friends. I am not ready to discuss details here yet, but it was very, very, very difficult. It was emotionally draining and overwhelming. And on top of a lot of unknowns and travelling i dont know how i did it without falling apart.

During this 36 hour period of emotional stress I got the news that my grandma passed away sunday morning. It was heart breaking. I had to push this pain and sadness so far down to be there for my friend that it made being in Chicago almost unbearable for me. I returned home very, very late Sunday night after driving 6+ hours in torrential down pours, to get in a car again to drive 4 hours to Cleveland for a funeral.

My family has never been so sad. I think this is the first person in my adult life that has died who has such a tremendous influence on all of our lives. She was so close to every single one of us, and has been central in all family functions. And the amazing part, she had her wit and personality all the way until the end. Perhaps this made it harder, but i know when this day came it would be so sad no matter what. It is very difficult on her children-- my dad-- who Ive never seen so sad. I am sad for him. I am sad for me. I am sad for my whole family. My heart hurts a lot right now.

It was a beautiful day yesterday, no clouds, 70 degrees, no humidity. She would have loved it. And a cool wind blew as we said a prayer for her over the grave site. It was a still day except for the breeze and Id like to believe it was her giving us a little sign and a nod that everything is going to be OK.

Grandma wrote an autobiography. I couldn't read it because of the pain, but its incredible. She documents her life, her parents life, and typed it out on a manual type-writer. And then re-typed it 3 times for each of her kids. How amazing is that. She was an amazing woman. She will be missed and the loss in our family is profound. But this day was inevitable, she had to die to be with her sister who she was never without. And now we have an angel in heaven watching over us all.

Please pray for my family to give us peace. Grandma finally is finally home where she belongs.

Better days will come.