Thursday, August 30, 2012

Faith and Love

There is a little girl I never met, but she is one of my good friend's cousin.  She is 11 years old and legally blind and deaf, and is dying of a heart condition. I found out about her a few months back, but few weeks ago  I found out she was denied a heart transplant  that would be the only thing that could save her life. Since then she has been under hospice care and her family started posting updates about her on facebook.  She is such a beautiful little girl, there are video's of her signing, and pictures of her growing up and it's hard not to fall in love with her. Last night was her last post on facebook as her family said she is on pain medication to keep her comfortable.  I read the post this morning when I got into work and I couldn't help the tears. In fact, I have been thinking about her all day and I have never even met her.  She has very little time left, the out pour of love and messages for her and her family have been incredible.

Maybe because I am not a mother that this really effects me, but i just want to go home and hug my baby just a little bit longer and just a little bit tighter. I can only imagine what the family must feel.  I hear a lot of sad stories but this little girl particularly has profoundly made an impact on me.  I am not sure why or how.  It really makes you put your own problems in check when you read about this. And you realize that what would the world be like with out faith?  Knowing that those who have walked this world before us are somewhere else, that there is such a  thing as peace. I think about those we lost who were close to me and those who others have lost close to them. We are only on this planet briefly, and faith and love are probably one of the most important things that can help carry us through our journey.  Anyone can get by without a lot, whether is money, or education, or you name it. Without faith and a lot of love in your life, you can be lost and adrift.  You can never love someone too much. And in my heart, I feel that no matter what guilt i feel as a mother some times about my own inadequacies, as long as i can love my baby as much as my heart is able that i know everything will be ok.

And it's true, motherhood has rocked me. I never knew how much i could love until i became a mother. It's the kind of love that is bottomless-all consuming-take your breath away-sometimes hurts kind of love that I don't think you can experience any way else. Its a different kind of love that you have for a spouse or another family member.  It's a kind of love that makes you feel emotions you have never felt before. And when you love that much, the entire spectrum of emotions change and their depth is much more acute.  But I am not even sure if what it is is even describable.

All I know is life is full of hardships, some are harder than others; some might knock you to the ground and change you to your core. But ultimately there is only one constant in this journey that will guide you through anything. You can always get through anything with faith and love. The tiniest amount goes so far. The tiniest amounts can allow you to anything. Nothing will be impossible.

" Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move.
This is Anna's facebook page:!/anna.macconnell.58

Monday, August 27, 2012

If you can dream it...

 Ever since I became a mom never in my life have I ever been so thoughtful about my career. Meaning, never have I picked it apart and wondered what do I really want to do when i grow up?    Do I want to be full time mommy or a full time working mother. And if I were to change my career to accommodate both, what would I be?

As i look at house after house in process to move up to the burbs, i envision raising my family in every home we walk into.  I envision my life; waking up with my kids, making them breakfast, taking them for walks, to the parks,  going to lessons for something at some location,  sitting down for dinner every night. I envision school days, and school nights, kids over  playing, i envision it all.  I imagine what i would do in the free time, probably still get up early  at 6am before everyone is awake and go for a run,  pack my husbands lunch for the day, and get ready to take on the adventures the kids provide every single day.  I have quite a few ideas of small business ideas of my own to do in my own time to supplement my income,  ideas that even would involve my kids.

I day dream a lot about how different things would be if i didn't have the long days and long commute to work every morning.  How much less stress i would feel about leaving my baby for so long every day,and knowing that my time is better spent investing in the minds of the future.   Childhood is  the most important times in a person's life. I deam of how much calmer i would feel in the evenings, not thinking about how little sleep i have to function at work and make it there safely.  Or the thought that the work and preparation during the rat race after work to get everything cleaned and packed again for the next day and still manage to eat dinner and spend time together as a family. It feels very much like a rat race..... and I dream about how things could be.

And if i keep dreaming.... who knows what could happen.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Dear Nicholas- An Interlude

Dear Nick,

 I felt like writing to you because I want to tell you how I feel.  I wont write much, just a little about how I feel about you, how I feel about life, and how I feel about parenting. And there is quite a lot I feel, and I have no intentions of sorting it all out and making sense of all it and categorizing it, putting it in nice little bins in my head, and spelling everything out for you right here and now. No, that's not how anything in life works.  A lot of life is about you figuring out the world, understanding emotions,, compassion, sensitivity, vulnerability. You are going to go through struggles and ups and downs and sideways phases, my job is to make you feel loved, give you a strong sense of self, and to help you know you are worth it no matter what.. Always.

I am the first to read and read books and books about 'how to parent.' I am a hypocrite, to think there is a way to 'parent' to have the outcome for a child to be 'perfect.' It's in a way tying to read about about 'how to Art.'  There is no right or wrong way, that's why no one person is the same as the next.   We are different, with different experiences, different memories, different thoughts and perspectives and that's what makes as all unique. And influential in our own right. We can change things with our power of being, and how we live our lives effects the world around us.

I have been trying to read books about how to help you sleep better, because society has conformed me to believe that you SHOULD be sleeping through the night. And that I should be able to put you to bed at night without fuss and you will wake up happy 10-12 hours later.  But guess what, you dont. I am trying to figure out solutions.  But maybe there isnt a solution, maybe i am just figuring you out in this one phase. And honestly, i dont mind getting to snuggle with you for a few hours in the middle of night if that helps you get to sleep.  I am not going to tell you how you 'should' be. And i am not going to try to mold you in the norm of what society thinks.  You are you, you are imperfect, but you are: loved, important, and worthy.

Some of my biggest struggles are dealing with how i feel like I 'should' be.  I constantly worry about how i am being perceived and want to desperately 'be' what i think the world wants me to 'be.'  But  what i am learning is that I am who i am, and that is ok. In fact, it's great. It's an understanding that I am a good person, and imperfect in many ways, but i am a work in progress. I am allowed to be sad sometimes, i am allowed to be angry and uncertain at others. But it's all part of living, I am also compassionate, and forgiving, and open.  An author i recently read said " Yes, i am sometimes afraid, but i am also brave."  I want you to know that you can do anything you want, but guess what- you might fail.   But if you try your hardest, hardest and you still fail you are still worthy of that success. You just might have to try again. I dont ever want you think that you shouldn't try anything because you are worried about that failure and what people will think.  That sense of self is what i want the most for you.  And I want you to know you are enough, and even in a difficult time to be kind and gentle on yourself. And in turn you will be kinder and gentler to others.. And with that i think you will achieve whatever you want in life- laced with all the joy and happiness you can  possibly embrace.

I know you have a beautiful soul, and I have told you since the day you were born that you can do anything you want in this life. And I will believe in you. Whether it's an astronaut, a scientist, a teacher, a doctor, a cook, whatever it is that you decide to go after. As long as your heart is in whatever you do and it's in the right place. To make you a better person and to better the world around you.  I know you will make me proud. You already do, even with the little victories you give me on a daily basis.  I love watching you grow, I love watching you flourish into your own person.  I love the person you are now, and I will love the person you are going to be come.

With all my love,

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Dear Nick Month 8

 Dear little peach,

Tomorrow you will be 8 months old,  and you are ripe with animation  and personality. Ms Patti at daycare says you are one laid back kiddo. And i have to agree, you are pretty calm and easy going about a lot of things and I am lucky. IT's been a month chalked full of changes, the biggest being the move to West Chester and living with your grandma and grandpa. You have a new daycare and your surroundings are all new everywhere you look. And they will change again soon when we move into our new house- whenever that may be.   I know you will be pretty easy going about that too.

That isnt the only thing that describes you-- besides sweet, happy, curious, loving, vocal... pooper also comes to mind. I think you won the gold medal for number of blow outs this month. Every other day it seemed like, sometimes twice a day! One day you made your teacher go home and shower after an episode. Way to make mommy proud, honey!

You have loved living with you grandparents, they just shower you will all kinds of attention. Especially your grandpa, some days i dont think i have ever seen anyone work so hard to get a smile out of you. Your cousins entertain you on a daily basis, and your grandmpa helps out every chance she gets to make sure you are clean, fed and happy. Living with Sheeba has kept you on your toes, Daddy will  chase her around the house with you and you cant take your eyes off her when she is around.  And last but not least, you LOVE to swim. living with a pool has made you love the water, i hope one day you will be as good of a swimmer as your cousin Jake who can dive to the bottom of the deep end already.

YOu still are not crawling, but you are definitely trying to get mobile.  You wave at us, and we have heard 'mama and dada' come out of your mouth on multiple occassions. Unfortunately i dont think it is in any relation to us yet. Your little pincers are definitely getting good at grabbing things, and you seem easily intrigued by just about anything we put in front of you.  And did i mention those two teeth that recently took residence in your mouth? So long are those adorable toothless smiles, hello sweet little bottom baby teeth.

I am so glad that you are so social and well adjusted, i get comments about that all the time. And I think it is one of the highest compliments since leaving you on work days is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my whole life.   It's one of the many thankful surprises you have given me over the past few months. Although the amount of dirty diapiers i could have never prepared myself for, or the fact that i could have given birth to such a regular baby.  But alas, i wouldnt change a thing about you because you are simply perfect.

I cant wait to see what you have in store for us this month little love bug. WE love you so much, happy 8 month birthday!