An autobiography

I don't know if I have mentioned it in another post recently, sorry if i repeat. My grandma wrote an autobiography. She told her kids and about it this year a few months back and I remember thinking what a cool thing. When she passed it was distributed-- the three copies she manually typed-- for each of her kids. When i went home for the funeral last months i saw it on my parents table but i just couldn't read it. It was hard enough pulling it together, but reading that would make me fall to pieces knowing i cant ask her questions and hear her stories anymore.

I read it yesterday.

Last week an "Addendum" surfaced and it was slightly more current. I read them both. I read them at work for some reason, i don't know why. Maybe i thought i could separate myself from it a little if i read it at work. And it was close to the end of the day so instead of starting something i wouldn't finish, i read my grandma's autobiography. It was incredible. What a neat life she had; she separates the document in pieces: Her parents, her family, her jobs, her husband, and then the last page is a handwritten page that says "my favorite times." All pieces are so fascinating and i can pull out some of what she wrote from the stories she would tell us. And then when i left work i got sad. Because memories of sitting in grandmas house, and laughing at some of the stuff she says and the way she talked when she told those stories. I am SO sad, i am wiping tears and i think about it. But i know when the pain lessons I am going to re-read it and think about how wonderful she was. And be able to show MY kids a little piece of the wonderful women that shaped my life for 26 years.

Now, i think about this like grandma would have documented in her life. It would be very sad, but she would chronology it because some of the things my grandma lived to see and do would blow your mind. She discusses the loss of her brothers, sisters,friends, neighbors, and even her own son. She says that pain is the most hurtful. But this is just one time in my life-- similar to my grandma's-- there are ebbs and flows and sometimes times are just a little happier than others.

I miss her deeply.

Its going to be hard this weekend going into her house to take some stuff away. But i am hoping i can repress these feelings for the car ride home on Sunday. But maybe it wont be sad, maybe ill be on project mode and not think about it. I have no idea. I want to kick myself for reading that right before this weekend. I shoulda waited?

I am tired today at work because i stayed up very late last night playing Monopoly with Matt, his friend C and E. It was a lot of fun actually. E and I drank 2 bottles of wine. It was a random but well embraced evening after the slightly emotional evening i had already embarked upon after leaving work. When I got home I also for my first letter from K, my friend I was in Chicago for at the end of June. I haven't discussed much about that situation yet, but receiving my first correspondence was a mixed bag of emotions. Emotions are tiring.

Matt and I went to the library last night and got 4 books on tape for the looong car ride with the trailer tonight. I am reeeally reeeally hoping it helps.


Thats all i got for now. Until next time.