The grind

I am still here, just haven't posted in a while. Work has been unusually busy and I am losing steam. I am just tired. I really need a little vacation or something, im just exhausted from it all. This has been a long week, even though last week was incredibly short with the 4th of july holiday. I felt like i still put in a full and very busy week last week too. I hate reading and hearing about my friend's excitement for their vacations and time off for the summer. I am not going anywhere. And my coworkers, i feel like i have been 1 of 1 or 2 people in the office on my team for the last two entire months. Everyone is taking time off; one of my coworkers has two of the four weeks off this month on vacations. I know, the wedding and the honeymoon, but it just seems to distant right now.

I am really not depressed or anything right now. I am happy just very tired from lack of sleep and not eating all that well recently. Which probably inadvertently causes stress since i am concerned about how i look and the image of my wedding dress in my head. I need to refocus or something.

My birthday is this weekend and for the first time i am not excited about it at all. I have no idea why, i am actually down playing more than i even have and this is unlike me. I almost want it just to come and go very quickly. Usually i want to gather a group and go out, but this year Matt and I are going on a little trip and having a nice dinner away. Low key, we'll probably dress up and have a night out. It will be nice. Hopefully rejuvenating. Maybe i feel this way since I was rather shaken up by what happened last year. It kind of shifted my paradigm since as we all get married, have kids, other things going on makes this day is less important. I have no idea how i feel about it all. Maybe after this weekend ill be more positive about it upon reflection.

This week has been busy. Tonight we are meeting with Dr. Bailey to talk about the music for the wedding. Hopefully this is fun. Last night J and I went over to Matt's parents house to get the shower favors ready for my wedding shower next weekend. (this also stresses me out). I have no idea why. I feel like on occasions that are supposed to be about me stress me out because sometimes i let the people who dont care affect me more that they should. I need to stop thinking like this!! It's making me crazy! Especially if it makes me lose sight of the value of all those people who do. It's so unlike me, it's a very pessimistic position. Especially when i generally try to live my life so positively. I sometimes put more thought and care into how people think or feel than i should, and often this is not reciprocal. It is self- induced stressed that i can probably get rid of myself. But i still want to be warm and loving because that is who i am. I don't think i can sort through all my thoughts on here. Ill depart from this subject for right now.

In other news I got a raise at work and it couldn't have come at a better time. In fact, it's quite a raise with a step increase to go a long with it. I am very pleased about it all, especially when i have been working so hard. (Although right now I am very unmotivated). Matt is applying for a supervisor position at work now too, i am really praying he gets it. He deserves it more than anyone i know.

Well, I am promising myself i wont go weeks without posting. And my next post will be much more cogent and much more positive. Just a little reprieve from the grind right now. Happy Thursday!