100th Post

wow. That sure seems like a big number. I have been expecting this number and have been brewing over something good to write about for this very anti-climatic milestone. What is worthy in a 100th post? Maybe i should take this time, now 100 posts in, to think about what direction i want to take this little blog-o-mine. What do I really want to consider it? It really has no sense of cogency, it has no theme, no direction, and really- i am not that good of a writer either. What is the point?

The more the entries add up am i really going to look back through them and read what i thought on some specific day. Even my 'deepest' thoughts are still rather shallow and normally fleeting. I dont think I necessarily have any lessons to share with the world, and there is a very very small percentage of that world that would stumble on this web page anyway. I have done very little publicizing of it, perhaps subconsciously i would rather keep it diary-esque? I really have no idea. What is the point.

Perhaps these thoughts about this little blog-o-mine are symbolic of this greater feeling about my life in general. At this very not-so-ripe age of 26 what have i really done? Sometimes the greatest story tellers are those that have gone through hardships or have lived a reeeally, really long life before them and have something to share. I cant quite relate. And I really don't think someone needs to experience something grand and great, or heart wrentching and disastrous, to have something so say to world. OR let me rephrase that, to have something to say that has any value or meaning.

When I was in college i lead a retreat with a team of 20 other wonderful people. The name of it was Metanoia which means "change of heart." It was great to be a participant, but even better leading it because you got to experience and see the feeling the other participants had during their journey. It was so rewarding to be a part of. One of lessons i took away from it was the idea that everyone has a story. It's always been so easy to judge people, or write people off, or forget somone, or something relational when everyone has a story. 'This person is quiet and shy for a reason, they shouldn't be forgotten. Or this person may seem all bubbly and nice but actually are heartbreaking inside because of something that has happened to them personally.' The scenarios like this are endless. Everyone has a story and it is our job as people of community to learn about each person and learn their story. You, too, have something to teach someone. And often you dont even realize it.

This is a great take-away and too often i forget this lesson. More often than not i am looking for a another Metanoia of my own. Especially right now when I feel overwhelmed with my job, wedding planning, trying to get out of a gym membership, o the endless to-do list.... I need a change of heart. It's like I am searching for something to give outwardly which i think will in turn help me inwardly. As i well know about myself, what others feel and think about me is very effective on my mood. I know this because when i am around certain wonderful friends I come home feeling like the top of the world and how happy and included and loved and comfortable i am. And other times, like last night with other sets of friends, i feel a little drained and over worked. It's a strange feeling that I dont feel like dissecting right now. But at the very core is ME. I am the one stagnant variable. I am the control. And i am IN CONTROL.

As i go my way of life I am going to learn that i don't need a Metanoia to necessarily cope better with overwhelming situations. Who and what I am is something that I need to love inside and out from INSIDE myself. And in the very special and unique time in my life right before i get married, i need to step back and enjoy it. And NOT get overcome by the minutia of it all. This time in my life is short lived and must be enjoyed.

The book I am reading right now the author talks about the calm inside yourself. And to think of the world like a spinning wheel. It's chaotic on the outside, things are changing and happening to you every minute every day that can consume your thoughts. The outside is spinning very fast while the center is slow and barely turning. And in that center is ME. My heart. ANd to take solace in my heart when life is chaotic. I accept those thoughts that make me sad or happy or stressed or disgruntled, accept them and move on.

I have to end on an up note, since i dont want to re-read this post in the future and think I am in a bad place right now. I am not, in fact i know i am in one of the best places right now. And physically whatever place i stand doesnt matter because this happy place in within. Because my heart is full of love, I have a lot of love around me to keep pouring into it, and I am just beginning this journey in my life that will only get better. I haven't even seen the half of it.... and I am buckled in for the best ride of my life.