Work the last couple weeks i have been back has been unbelievably busy. In fact some days i get home and I dont even know how I managed to make it through the day with losing my sanity. There has been so much to do that by the time i look at the clock it's almost time for me to go home. Now, don't get me wrong, i like that the days have gone by so fast. What i don't like is the feeling of running a marathon every day for five days straight and then having to come home and take care of an infant. O ya, and get myself together and fed too. It's a of work. And the whole pumping and storing and cleaning and repeating thing too. Lots MORE work. I am very fortunate to have a good paying job, and right now I am very proud of how successful I made myself being with DoE for six years and now being one of the highest ranked in my entire office... but the trade-off is mind blowing.
I feel this way for many reasons. Mostly because every day really just seems like a trek to get through to the next day. My social life has really gone to the back burner. I used to like getting together during the week for walks with friends, dinners, o ya... and working out. O how i miss spin class. Now? I get home, feed and change my child, some how clean everything for the next day, figure out something for dinner, and all the while trying to savor every last drop of my sweet child before he needs to go to sleep for the night. Lately he goes to bed between 8:30 and 9:30. That is only three, at most four hours with him. It doesnt seem like enough. And he is getting so big so quick, I hate how brief this period is in his life and I am just wading through it.
What is even more mind blowing to me is how much I have changed. I used to think i was a pretty wound up person and very excitable (both to the good and to the bad). Now, not so much. I have relinquished a LOT of control. I still like to keep my house orderly, but i know there are trade-offs. I need to re-prioritize, is having washed floor and dusted cabinets as important to me when my spare time is so limited. Or what about making sure I am raising my child exactly by the books? And believe me i have read TOO much for me not to feel overwhelmed. But i dont. I cannot control whether or not my child is in daycare.... and I cannot control how they care for my child. But i can trust in my decision that I made a good one chosing a highly recommended facility worth every penny you pay for. (and there are lots of penny's). So far my child is healthy, I am doing the best that I can do. And that's how I manage. I manage by knowing I am doing the best I can do with what I can control.
And I think that is a big accomplishment.
Motherhood changes me menally and also physically.... lets get on the topic of caffiene. How about how I havent had hardly any! I dont know how i do it most days. Today, for example, Nick decided to wake up at 4:06am and was unable to comfort himself back to sleep. I got up and fed him and I have a difficult time going back to bed once i am up. So although i was up so early I didnt need any coffee in the morning. Actually, every day since i got back to work I only had one cup of coffee ONCE. And that was the first day because i thought i needed it. It turns out I dont. It's like the little engine inside me got replaced and is a little more fine tuned with the amount of fuel it needs to run these days. Weekends I am up early and trying to get stuff done before Nick wakes up. I always liked being up before nine or ten, but these days its more like six of seven. I just find a way to be productive when I need to be i guess. Wierd.
A lot of these things I could have never predicted about myself. I like my new lifestyle, but i miss some of the freedoms I had before. Especially with my social life, but I am finding my true friends understand and never waver. Some are even having kids of thier own now so we are sharing in the experience. I do wish that I could spend more time with Nick during the week however. I am not sure if this is a little bit of the Grass is Greener mentality, or if i really do wish i could be a SAHM. Most days i do wish i could stay home... it's hard to say bye to him in the mornings. And I have a wierd feeling as i go to work every day... like I am doing this only temporarily. I dont know why i feel that way. I dont know if that is a good or a bad thing. I guess no matter how things work out, it's good not to overburden myself with a mentality that it could be like this for the long haul. It could be a depressing mind set.
I love my little boy more than anything, and I am so optimistic of all the great memories we have waiting for us ahead. He has already given me so many and he isnt even four months old yet. Sometimes when Matt calls me during the day and I hear Nick on the phone my heart just goes pitter patter. Or when I need a little break at work I look at his pictures and I feel my heart at the bottom of my belly. I cant believe how much I love him. He gives me more joy than I could have ever imagined. And what's even more exciting is this is just the start of this little family of ours.
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:-)
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