Friends

I literally have no time to post. But I figure writing everything I have been feeling down will help, even though i worry writing first thing in the morning is not an accurate representation of my actual feels. I usually takes me a good hour AT LEAST for all parts of my brain to be in full functioning order, and to for all the emotions i have floating in my heard to settle into some sort of cohesive semblance. Right now, my head is ALL over the place, I am not even a close to being through my cup of coffee.... but hey, its before 8!

This week had been quite the roller coaster of emotions. Even though sometimes when i am really sad or upset about something I rarely look past whatever it is to see all the positive things in my life. So this time some of those positive things include (of course, in no particular order) my family, my job, the warm weather, receiving nice emails, my boyfriend, and my friends. And yes, my friends also a point of disappointment yesterday that seems to be on my mind quite a lot.

It leaves me asking the question how do you know you have friends for life? There is one thing about life that is certain beside death is change. People change, situations change, everything is bound to change. My life has certainly changes quite a bit in the last couple years... i moved to Cincinnati, I got a dog, I have a boyfriend, i made new friends, I am involved in different extra-curriculars, things are different. Yes, my friends have changed too... but why does it have to be so hard?

Last night I heard some very harsh things from one of my good friends. Without going into details, the bottom line was I was totally forgotten about when she went ahead and made plans (with some of my friends) without me... and on my birthday. It hurt Big time, and i told her, and the response that hurt the most was that she didn't care about fixing a relationship that has been on a rock for "quite frankly" about a year now. I almost broke down and cried right there! What do you mean it has been on the rocks for over a year now? I didnt know it was on the rocks! Everyone is is busy now and i have NEVER forgotten about her, EVER!!!

SO how come i feel like I am being punished? How come i feel like I care more about my friends than they care about me? It is such a terrible feeling to have. And dont true friends stay with you no matter what? My best friend from childhood speaks to me maybe once every 3 months (and ya, it TOTALLY sucks), but i know she still loves me and when i see her next we will pick it up right where we left off. I am just really down about it the whole thing that went down, and I keep replaying it over and over again in my head. One of the worst parts was the fact that I just broke down and cried and was so shaken by the whole conversation and it seemed like she had other things to do. She actually even said, 'hope you dont mind if i eat my dinner.'

When did it get so hard? When did the the table turn? Right now I have a lot of different friends, and some of them i know will do anything for me. So, ss is a maturity thing? Is is a time thing? Or is is really a relational thing?

I really hope I am just not seeing the forest through the weeds right now on this. I hope there is a bigger picture that I am failing to see. I worry that as the more time that passes, the bigger that gap will grow as some move to new cities, get married, and in the next 10 years most of them will have kids. Then what? Will I still be told I am a terrible friend when all i have time for is soccer practice and PTA?


I just hope I can get out of this with some perspective because as of right now I couldn't be mor ein the dumps

Love is patient, love is kind..... or at least is should be?