Eat, Pray, Love

For my birthday my best friend C got me a book titled Eat, Pray, Love. C has given me books as gifts before and she continues to never let me down. They generally aren't 'genre' -related, in that i mean they are not like "mysteries, or romance, or biography.' It seems like they are always like a little gem that could be plucked from anywhere in a book store. Generally, books like these tend to captivate me the most. And with this book, C has done it once again. She gave it to me last weekend, and Thursday night at around 11pm i picked it up to start it before i went to bed. These past two nights i have gone to bed after midnight because i always want to read one more chapter. I cant quite figure it out what I love most about this book, it is just starting to develop. Elizabeth Gilbert is the author and her writing is very relatable, she is also very intelligent, and very entertaining. She is a woman in mid to late-thirties and she writes about her personal experiences, starting with her divorce, he career, he house, relationships, etc. And although my experiences are not similar in fact-- they are so similar in how i can visualize myself somewhere and can relate to it in a deep way. I cant describe it. I admire this. I wish i could write like this. It's honest, yet she doesnt reveal a lot of detail. For example, she tells her readers in the beginning about her divorce and how she felt during this time. It's captivating, yet she doesnt go into a single detail about how or why it all happened. It's quite amazing, actually. Writers like these are gifted.

Well, this book is about soul searching, and finding yourself, and finding God. Something I can very much relate to. I am only on page 50 or so, I cant quiet figure out her perspectives yet, but I am very much intrigued. And very jealous. She basically spends a year travelling to Italy, India, and Indonesia to learn about life's little lessons. And then gets a book advance to write about them. Could she be any luckier? I don't ever see myself spending 4 months away living in a different country on a different continent to be able to pick up these spiritual insights. But yet I am thirsty for it. I am always trying to find my strength in God, and improving myself, and improving my relationships. I have a hard time sleeping at night because i cant quiet my mind. Finding and understanding the relationship with yourself and with God it seems like a path to peace. It really has nothing to do heaven and life after death (although, yes, it is written in the scriptures). For those people who don't have this relationship, i wonder why they cant seem the value that is can bring to their lives now. In the quality of your life while you are still living. Life happens fast.

Currently one thing that stirs and picks away at me is friendships in my life. No, they don't really eat away at my heart because I have found some truly deep and meaningful relationships. In fact, i have been extremely blessed when i think of faces of my friends I love. But I constantly find myself wanting to thank them. Maybe "thank" isn't the right word. But make them understand that they effort and thought they have put into our friendship really, really means a lot to me. I find myself leaving conversations with some friends thinking, 'gosh, i hope what i said about something-er-other didn't come out wrong.' Or, I certainly hope they didn't get bored with that i was saying. Or hope what i said about what's it called was appropriate. Basically, all this self- analysis about how the other person has felt or thought during my time with them. I would be at ease if i knew they enjoyed themselves. But no one ever really knows what happens in an other person's head. Therefore, when we depart from the situation or conversation i feel the need to 'thank' them and convey somehow that really enjoyed and appreciate this time spent. And it really meant a lot to me to have some of their time. It's almost like i over-compensate here. At the end. Because sometimes a bad time can be overlooked if something positive results. I am so critical of myself! I feel like understanding myself, loving myself, having a little more faith in who and what I am will allow me silence my mind. It will calm my heart.

I find that those relationships that flurry activity in my head-- again, not speaking of those deep, meaningful best friendships I have cultivated-- but the other friendships that don't reciprocate this feeling back to me. These are the friends that dont put a lot of thought into our relationship. And it's clear. I let this relationship pick at me. Why? I have no idea. For example, this week I have a friend from college who emailed me. She is someone i do consider a friend, we have know each other a while. I am getting married (she is not a bridesmaid) but someone who never really asked me if i needed helping with anything, never came to any of my wedding showers or responded really. Yet, i do consider her a friend. I overlook things and not get upset with them like a rational person should. But she emailed me this week, a short email, to see if we wanted to get together sometime this week and asked me how the shower went this weekend. It was nice of her to ask. I responded with a an email 3 times as long, full of questions back and supportive comments for her-- she is getting married too-- and it was actually a delightful email that i would have loved to receive. This was monday. I responded on Monday. She never responded back. Today is Friday.
I need to be at peace with myself to realize that this is not a reflection back at me.
I struggle with this.

Elizabeth Gilbert says in her book something to effect of not thinking about this situation with your head, but looking at the situation through your heart. I still need to figure out what this means. And how to related it to every day situations. And how to introspectively handle my challenges. Of course, i dont plan on learning all of life's little lessons from this one book. But it certainly is on my mind right now. She is quite inspiring; Perhaps only because she is relatable with her candor engaging her readers in her emotional and cultural tapestry.

I am-- and we all are-- a work in progress.