Our little Holy baby

It was a beautiful weekend. This weekend on 3-25-12 we had our little baby boy Baptized at St Xavier Church with the Fr. Knapp who married us.  It was beautiful and Nick was the cutest and sweetest little baby of all time. O he was so cute, i think i love him even more after watching him getting showered with all kinds of love this weekend.  He was great during Mass too. He was awake almost the entire time. He watched us get him ready without any complaints, and he was all smiles as Matt and I got him in his outfit before church.   When we got to Church he was mesmerized by all the people, the singing,  all all the ornate decorations the adorned the entire church. One of my favorite parts was hearing Nick kind of sing/coo along with the responsorial psalm during Mass. I sort of wanted to chuckle but had to contain myself:) He got a little fussy before communion and ended up falling asleep-- probably too much to take in at once-- and then was asleep for all our our pictures. But that's OK, rather have a sleepy babe than unhappy one.

We have my all time best friend as the God mother and her, now, fiancee as the God father. They are the perfect people for the job, and they absolutely adore this baby. He is so lucky he is the first to steal so much of their attention.   Nick was so perfect that day, all dressed up in a very special outfit wore by Matt and his two brothers when they were baptized. Bought by their Aunt Saucy who passed a couple years ago and was the very matriarch of their family. Nick also wore Matt's 14ct gold baptismal ring his Aunt also bought him when he was a baby, he was beautiful. He had a little white onsie with a cross and white socks with two little crosses on them, and then the personalized shoes given to Nick by my sister-in-law's mother. It was a very special outfit for a very special little boy.

He was a day full of love. Here are a couple pictures from my dad's iphone. I haven't emptied my camera card yet. But here's what we got right now:

We love you, little baby. You are loved by so many.

This thing called Motherhood

Work the last couple weeks i have been back has been unbelievably busy.  In fact some days i get home and I dont even know how I managed to make it through the day with losing my sanity. There has been so much to do that by the time i look at the clock it's almost time for me to go home. Now, don't get me wrong, i like that the days have gone by so fast. What i don't like is the feeling of running a marathon every day for five days straight and then having to come home and take care of an infant.  O ya, and get myself together and fed too. It's a of work.  And the whole pumping and storing and cleaning and repeating thing too. Lots MORE work.  I am very fortunate to have a good paying job, and right now I am very proud of how successful I made myself being with DoE for six years and now being one of the highest ranked in my entire office... but the trade-off is mind blowing.

I feel this way for many reasons. Mostly  because every day really just seems like a trek to get through to the next day. My social life has really gone to the back burner. I used to like getting together during the week for walks with friends, dinners,  o ya... and working out. O how i miss spin class.  Now? I get home, feed and change my child, some how clean everything for the next day, figure out something for dinner, and all the while trying to savor every last drop of my sweet child before he needs to go to sleep for the night. Lately he goes to bed between 8:30 and 9:30.  That is only three, at most four hours with him. It doesnt seem like enough.  And he is getting so big so quick, I hate how brief this period is in his life and I am just wading through it.

What is even more mind blowing to me is how much I have changed.  I used to think i was a pretty wound up person and very excitable (both to the good and to the bad). Now, not so much. I have relinquished a LOT of control. I still like to keep my house orderly, but i know there are trade-offs.  I need to re-prioritize, is having washed floor and dusted cabinets as important to me when my spare time is so limited.   Or what about making sure I am raising my child exactly by the books? And believe me i have read TOO much for me not to feel overwhelmed. But i dont. I cannot control whether or not my child is in daycare.... and I cannot control how they care for my child. But i can trust in my decision that I made a good one chosing a highly recommended facility worth every penny you pay for. (and there are lots of penny's). So far my child is healthy, I am doing the best that I can do. And that's how I manage. I manage by knowing I am doing the best I can do with what I can control.

And I think that is a big accomplishment.

Motherhood changes me menally and also physically.... lets get on the topic of caffiene. How about how I havent had hardly any!  I dont know how i do it most days.  Today, for example, Nick decided to wake up at 4:06am and was unable to comfort himself back to sleep. I got up and fed him and I have a difficult time going back to bed once i am up. So although i was up so early I didnt need any coffee in the morning. Actually, every day since i got back to work I only had one cup of coffee ONCE. And that was the first day because i thought i needed it. It turns out I dont. It's like the little engine inside me got replaced and is a little more fine tuned with the amount of fuel it needs to run these days. Weekends I am up early and trying to get stuff done before Nick wakes up.  I always liked being up before nine or ten, but these days its more like six of seven. I just find a way to be productive when I need to be i guess. Wierd.

A lot of these things I could have never predicted about myself. I like my new lifestyle, but i miss some of the freedoms I had before. Especially with my social life, but I am finding my true friends understand and never waver.  Some are even having kids of thier own now so we are sharing in the experience.   I do wish that I could spend more time with Nick during the week however. I am not sure if this is a little bit of the Grass is Greener mentality, or if i really do wish i could be a SAHM.  Most days i do wish i could stay home... it's hard to say bye to him in the mornings.  And I have a wierd feeling as i go to work every day... like I am doing this only temporarily. I dont know why i feel that way. I dont know if that is a good or a bad thing.  I guess no matter how things work out, it's good not to overburden myself with a mentality that it could be like this for the long haul.  It could be a depressing mind set. 

I love my little boy more than anything, and I am so optimistic of all the great memories we have waiting for us ahead. He has already given me so many and he isnt even four months old yet.   Sometimes when Matt calls me during the day and I hear Nick on the phone my heart just goes pitter patter. Or when I need a little break at work I look at his pictures and I feel my heart at the bottom of my belly. I cant believe how much I love him. He gives me more joy than I could have ever imagined. And what's even more exciting is this is just the start of this little family of ours.

Busy

I haven't been very good at posting recently... mostly because there is never enough time.  I am back at work, in my new job, missing my son terribly. But have been so busy at work it's hard to believe i have been back almost 3 weeks already. It's crazy how quickly the time passes.

Nick is 15 weeks old now and getting cute by the second. I swear, I cant help but just look at him and love how cute he is.  He just started putting his hands up to his mouth-- he finally knows where it is-- and he puts them all the way in. Its cute to watch him try to stick both hands in at the same time. But they are so cute and tiny!

We have had some absolutely gorgeous days here and I cant wait to get home and play with him.  This weekend is his Christening so there is lots to do before then.  Life is very busy for everyone, hopefully when things settle in here at work ill have more time to write. Until next time...

Month 3, Dear Nicholas

Dear my sweet baby Nicholas,

 I cannot believe tomorrow you will be THREE months old. It will have been 13 whole weeks since you arrived and I still cant believe how quickly time has passed. Everyone tells me to enjoy every minute of you, and believe me I am! You are a little angel and I cant get enough of you.... even if you do cry for over an hour straight after I feed you like you did a couple times earlier this week right before bed. But I still love you, yes I do.   I cant say I always love your cries, well, or your shrieks, but I do love the many facial expressions you have now. I even love that sad little pouty face you make right before you are about to cry. Oh the little frown and scrunched up face you have just breaks my heart, and when I can I just love to swoop you up and catch ya before the cry comes out.

You have many facial expressions now, and I love to see how you react to things. You are very interested in the world around you now... you LOVE to look around and just take it all in. You have all kinds of impressions of things, and you wear your thoughts clear as day on your face. You have a little quizzical look-- which is different than the confused look-- and then a serious look, and a daydreaming look, and just a content look... and of course, a look when you are fully engaged. And o my, your happy look when we play with you is the best look of them all. We do patty cake with your hands or sing a song and play with your legs, you just LOVE to smile when we do that! Your smiles are HUGE and so beautiful.  I am pretty sure that a flash of one of your smiles could cure any of my ailments.  And BOY do you have lots to say these days. A couple times this week we went on a walk in the stroller and you chatted and cood for a good half hour. I think you liked the wind on your face and seeing the bright blue sky and the sun. You are SO cute! And your voice is like heaven..... I hope you continue to have lots to say to us-- we love to listen!

You dont have tuned motor skills yet, but the little things you do make us laugh.  The last few weeks we are so amused when you throw your legs up in the air when we are ready to change your diaper. You are SO helpful! And you dont really scream at us that much anymore when we do change you, and you never seem to mind when you put your beautiful clean socks plop down into your poop when I am trying to clean you up. You are so funny.  Although the blow-out diapers you have had recently are not so funny.  I never saw so much poop come from such a little person. And how it can end up half way up your back still mystifies me. I can always tell when it is coming too, you tend to concentrate a little, and then you suck in your tummy and push your little butt out... and there is goes.  I know i love you when i think even the farty noises you make amuse me. 

You continue to sleep like a little champ now too. And this week since I started back at work, I have been the one to wake you up. And it does break my heart when I turn on the little lamp in your room and rub your sweet little sleeping face to stir you.  I dont want to wake the sleeping angel, I could just watch you sleep all night.  The tough thing for us now is figuring our your feeding schedule and how much you need each time. This whole pumping and storing thing is new to us, but it's important that you have breast milk so you can have a strong body and mind. I am hoping we will figure all that out soon

I am back to work now, I started just a few days ago and man do i miss you during the day. I have a big picture of you from when you were 6 weeks old right in front of me and I look at it often. During the day you are cared for by Ms Angie and Ms Renee and they are VERY nice ladies. I don't see you during the day but they tell me you have done well the last couple.  I bet you find it interesting to watch the other babies around you... and I hope you make a few friends along the way. If  I could be home with you I would do it in an instant.... but i am doing my best to see silver lining of daycare. And I pray that you do too.  This month hopefully we will fall into a good routine for all of us, and we have lots of great memories as we see all the new things you will start to do. You are getting baptised this month too, so we get to have a little party all in your honor. I am excited for that.  I am excited for a lot of things, but I just want to enjoy you every minute of NOW while i can too.

Daddy is bringing you down to visit me at work today so we can have lunch. I cant even tell you how happy i am about that!  He just called me to ask me where I want to go.... I guess i should figure that out now. Although I am not sure if i can resist just getting a couple pieces of bread and some mayo and making a Nick sandwich and eating you up whole. Or maybe just your toes.... those are JUST so irresistable! But it's Lent so i cant do that on friday's anyway:)

I love you more and more every day. Every day I dont think I could love you anymore, but somehow more love just squeezes into my heart. Until my next letter to you....

Love always,
Mommy