Dear Nicholas- An Interlude

Dear Nick,

 I felt like writing to you because I want to tell you how I feel.  I wont write much, just a little about how I feel about you, how I feel about life, and how I feel about parenting. And there is quite a lot I feel, and I have no intentions of sorting it all out and making sense of all it and categorizing it, putting it in nice little bins in my head, and spelling everything out for you right here and now. No, that's not how anything in life works.  A lot of life is about you figuring out the world, understanding emotions,, compassion, sensitivity, vulnerability. You are going to go through struggles and ups and downs and sideways phases, my job is to make you feel loved, give you a strong sense of self, and to help you know you are worth it no matter what.. Always.

I am the first to read and read books and books about 'how to parent.' I am a hypocrite, to think there is a way to 'parent' to have the outcome for a child to be 'perfect.' It's in a way tying to read about about 'how to Art.'  There is no right or wrong way, that's why no one person is the same as the next.   We are different, with different experiences, different memories, different thoughts and perspectives and that's what makes as all unique. And influential in our own right. We can change things with our power of being, and how we live our lives effects the world around us.

I have been trying to read books about how to help you sleep better, because society has conformed me to believe that you SHOULD be sleeping through the night. And that I should be able to put you to bed at night without fuss and you will wake up happy 10-12 hours later.  But guess what, you dont. I am trying to figure out solutions.  But maybe there isnt a solution, maybe i am just figuring you out in this one phase. And honestly, i dont mind getting to snuggle with you for a few hours in the middle of night if that helps you get to sleep.  I am not going to tell you how you 'should' be. And i am not going to try to mold you in the norm of what society thinks.  You are you, you are imperfect, but you are: loved, important, and worthy.

Some of my biggest struggles are dealing with how i feel like I 'should' be.  I constantly worry about how i am being perceived and want to desperately 'be' what i think the world wants me to 'be.'  But  what i am learning is that I am who i am, and that is ok. In fact, it's great. It's an understanding that I am a good person, and imperfect in many ways, but i am a work in progress. I am allowed to be sad sometimes, i am allowed to be angry and uncertain at others. But it's all part of living, I am also compassionate, and forgiving, and open.  An author i recently read said " Yes, i am sometimes afraid, but i am also brave."  I want you to know that you can do anything you want, but guess what- you might fail.   But if you try your hardest, hardest and you still fail you are still worthy of that success. You just might have to try again. I dont ever want you think that you shouldn't try anything because you are worried about that failure and what people will think.  That sense of self is what i want the most for you.  And I want you to know you are enough, and even in a difficult time to be kind and gentle on yourself. And in turn you will be kinder and gentler to others.. And with that i think you will achieve whatever you want in life- laced with all the joy and happiness you can  possibly embrace.

I know you have a beautiful soul, and I have told you since the day you were born that you can do anything you want in this life. And I will believe in you. Whether it's an astronaut, a scientist, a teacher, a doctor, a cook, whatever it is that you decide to go after. As long as your heart is in whatever you do and it's in the right place. To make you a better person and to better the world around you.  I know you will make me proud. You already do, even with the little victories you give me on a daily basis.  I love watching you grow, I love watching you flourish into your own person.  I love the person you are now, and I will love the person you are going to be come.


With all my love,
Mommy