Thoughts of Babies

Isnt there a name for it? When you think about having babies a lot? What is that called?  I cant think of it, but boy do i have it bad.  I am not quite sure what has changed since even before the new year, but something definitely has.  I haven't really talked about it at all outwardly,  it feels awkward to say it out loud. In fact, i dont think i have said anything to anyone besides, well, Matt.

On my down time i work i find myself looking at my old HS friends facebook pictures, two of which had thier first child in the last couple months. I found myself looking at their baby room pictures, their pregnancy pictures, thier holiday pictures of 'baby's first Christmas.' What has gotten into me!?!?! Then i start thinking of what i would do for a baby room, and then what month of the year the baby's birthday would be depending on the time if i where to get pregnant, what social events i have (weddings, trips, work engagements, etc) during specific times of the year and how far along i would be. WHAT HAS gotten into me!?!?!

I really dont know where and when I felt the shift... or if this is just a passing thing. Usually when i have a glimmer of the idea pop into my head, it easily escapes depending on who i recently spend time with. I thought i would definitely lose the feeling after being around my family for multiple days in a row... I usually lose the feeling when i am around people who dont talk about it or it was never a topic of conversation.  Mostly my friends and my family.  But the funny thing is, i cant think of a few friends who babies are also on their mind now..... which makes me thing i may not be a lone... One of of the biggest adverse influences on my thoughts before were the fact that i would be alone since no one  i know really closely of my friends will be having babies.  But now i think of who my really good friends are and i can name a bunch who could be pregnant or have a child within the next 12-24 months.... A, J, S, J, T, maybe even F, ... who knows who else?

I have also probably come to realize that the big adverse idea is the least of my problems.... because the friends i think of first are really there for me no matter how much my schedule changes... and my life.  I need to stop cramming the square peg in to the round hole.... its just not worth it anymore.   I found myself reading websites and searching for sites for 'how do you know you are ready to have a baby'.... And instead of being scared away by it-- like it ordinarily would have--- i reaffirmed my new thoughts.

And re-affirmed my thoughts that 'are my friends ready for me to have a baby' shouldn't even be in the consideration set.  AND if roles were reversed-- which often they are--- i  would be THRILLED for any of my other friends to have a baby... i know the feeling would be shared. Especially those i find the closest to me now.

So then, Monday afternoon after work i found myself in the conversation about babies with Matt..... Now, i knew there would be no revelations since i know Matt has been ready for babies for years and years now. He told me-- as he has said once to me before--- that he knew he wanted kids early in life. Especially with his heart, and the various conditions that run in his family, that he knew he wanted to share the joy as early as possible to have the experience as long as possible since he has no idea how long he would be on this earth. That is truly inspiring, I love him for his reasons. And it is confirmed every time i see him with babies and kids of all ages. He lights up.

And then we talked about how we could not be more ready now too. We have been together for over 4 years, we are stable and comfortable in our own skin and in our marriage. We are financially stable and comfortable to afford the growing expenses that this wouldn't cause added stress.  We have HUGELY supportive families, our friends will be great, and we are at the right age to START the stage of our life.  And when I think about our daily life i lead with Matt, we really are ready to have a new addition. We do so much together with our free time, i am only imagining the possibilities of the enriched life we would with a third to share in it.

WOW. I had a lot to say i guess..... I hope there isnt another shift. I have a feeling about 2011 and the changing that will come in the new year.  I dont know whats in store for me, but I am doing my darnedest to keep an open mind about it all.  But i do have a feeling of excitement right now that i cant seem to kick out of my head... it's strange and new, and something i am not familiar with.....

God only knows that in store for us......