2010

So this year, 2010, has proved to be much more difficult than 2009. I was thinking about it, and actually that i have been so blessed over the last few years that i haven't really been faced with a lot of emotional things. Or perhaps that I have just had a LOT of great things happen to me that its been so much easier focusing on the wonderful to swallow the hard stuff a little easier. I'm not sure how to describe it, I have had a great year and I have grown a lot as a person, as a wife, as a friend, as a daughter, as a daughter-in-law. But this year is, well, full of change.

I had this thought in December, as 2009 came to an end, that that year was incredibly memorable. Life changing really. And the years after college have been unbelievably formative in everything that i have had the opportunity to see and do. This year as i adjust to being married has been full of growing pains. My grandma has been sicker than Ive ever seen her, and ive been to more funerals in the last 6-7 months than I have gone to my entire life. I have grown further apart with some friends that has been rough on my heart, but at the same time growing new connections with other friends. And recently i have been approach by one friend's family to reach out to help in a way that i have never done before. And well i am not ready to discuss the details here yet, this outreach is highly emotionally charged for me right now. I have a lump in my gut about it really because I don't know how it will end, or how it will affect my relationship with this person, so many unknowns. The where, the how, is my role good enough?

It's been tough.

But as i sit here and write this entry, I also have a calming feeling in my heart. I have learned a lot of valuable lessons this year. Lessons i have learned from my husband, my new and old friends, my new in-laws, my family. Lessons that they probably don't even realize they were teaching. And i am in a good place right now, feeling comfortable in my own skin and accepting the turbulence that comes and goes in my life. And i tried as hard as i can to let the highs linger in my head as long as possible. Like the highs of this past weekend at UD reunion, the feeling of being at home right where we all left off 5 years ago. The community, the acceptance, and love.... it;s incredible.

This weekend i am attending a Baptism, my soon-to-be Godson is going to be baptised and I have been thinking all week what we should get him. I read on a website a letter to him when he grows up would be so nice. And so i have been thinking of what i would say to him, what would i include, and maybe cut out some newspapers of what is happening on this day when in many years he will read this. I think i would want to tell him how much i love him, and that i feel so unbelievably privileged to have been asked by your parents to have this role in your life. And that i had Godparents, too, but they never had an impact on me. I will ask him to forgive me for not knowing what it means to be a good Godparent to you, but i will do my darnedest to figure it out. One thing i do know is that learning your relationship with God is not as easy journey, in fact one i am still figuring out to this day. I will not tell you the way to believe, but encourage you to challenge yourself and your relationships you develop with others, yourself, and God every day. The learning is the journey and it's full of rewards (and challenges too). I cant wait to see you grow up, I cant wait to talk to you in a few years to learn about your feelings and perspectives on things because we have a lot to learn in this life and from each other. And before you know it- you're old. They say life happens in a blink of an eye, enjoy it, accept the hardships, embrace the joys, and feel every moment... its those feelings that are the sweet stuff of life. Because what is important in life is the LOVE and PEOPLE, and the two when they converge.

" May you DANCE to the BEAT God placed in your heart"