Monday is past

So i am better today, i told you I would be. I ended up leaving work pretty close to 6, a little past the snowing fall sideways. Luckily the roads didnt get bad within that window of opportunity and I made it home not as late as i thought. I just get perturbed when i am tired and exhausted and I have to stay late waiting on someone else when this deadline they knew about days prior!! In fact, i even followed up multiples times during the day to ensure they would get it done BEFORE 5 EST. But enough of stupid people.

Last night I went to E's apartment to watch the bachelor-- she also had two other friends over. One who ive met before and the other who i didn't, both were SUPER nice! I brought over Indian food and we just vedged out. Both of her friends were SO interesting, one is finishing her PhD in neuroscience at UC and the other is waiting on her final application for med school at Yale. Not to mention she already got into Case and Northwestern, and who know what other schools she didnt tell me about. Wheew!! It felt good to be around new people, people who were glad to be around me. I need this. I need low maintenance friends, i need friends that call me and care, i need to be around people that dont make me feel like i dont belong. I am sick of drama, i am sick of investing so much thought into what my so-called friends think about me. And, of course, we all know this topic of conversations spawns from just a small few people here. I do have some fantastic friends too in my life. But you know what i am getting at.

Glad Monday is over and I am another day closer to the weekend. A weekend we dont really have plans... which is nice. Hopefully the sun comes out a little bit.

WORK VENT

i AM SITTING AT WORK FUMING!!!! I AM WAITING TO GO HOME BUT STUPID CALIFORNIA SITE OFFICE CANT GET THIER DATA IN ON TIME. I DONT HAVE A WORKING COMPUTER, I COULD HAVE LEFT WORK 25 MINUTES AGO BEFORE IT STARTED SNOWING A LOT! A LOT!!!!!! Now who the fuck knows how long it will take me to get home because cincinnati drivers are idiots whenever there is anything falling from the sky, and i am just sitting here twiddeling my thumbs waiting for the fuckers in california WHERE IS ONLY 2:30 THERE GET OFF THIER ASSES!!!!!! STILLL WAITING!!!!!

i need a damn computer and a husband that had priorities every once in a while. I hate it when it takes a tipping point like this!!!


Thanks for letting me vent.

Ill be better tomorrow.

Another day another dollar

I am doing a little better today, nothing really has changed since my last post but I do feel a little better. Emotionally-- definitely not physically. J, A and I went snowboarding last night. It was their 2nd attempt and my first. I am SO bad, i didnt do as terrible as anticipated, but i am definitely not good by any means! It was different, it was a change of scenery, it was welcomed. I am SORE!!!

This weekend I am going back up to Cleveland to see both grandmas this time and go to the Cavs game Saturday night. Apparently Grandma G went to the hospital yesterday for severe swelling in her legs. More sad news on that end. Another whirl wind weekend in front of me.

hopefully more good news next post.

Down

I hope it's a hormonal thing, but gosh do i feel down right now. I cant pin-point what exactly it is right now. I don't know if it just ONE thing, but i just cant seem to be happy and excited. I had a long weekend and I just didnt feel like going anywhere. I could have stayed in my house all day long. I did leave, but i didn't feel like partying and seeing a lot of people. I, for some reason, felt that my laughter would feel fake. Matt and I were shopping for shelves and cabinets yesterday and a few times he looked over at me and said i looked dead. Everything felt tired and exhausted. I didn't feel like myself, i dont like it.

I am a little better today, although I have plans to snowboard (try to snowboard) with J and A tomorrow and I feel exhausted thinking about it. Also not like me. How do i snap out of whatever this is?

There are a few things in particular that seem gloomy. Like my Grandma and how sick and debilitated she has become. This weekend she started needing 24-hour care. My mom will be sleeping at her house until thursday and I cant imagine how hard this must be for everyone involved. And my mind just wanders about what it must be like, and i feel the deep down sadness because my grandma means everything to our family. Then i think about two of my friends who have terribly, terribly sick dad's. And i think about making plans in the future and the feeling fades because what if i have to go to a funeral. It's hard to not be able to think so far ahead. And this weekend I found it particularly hard to be there for those friends in need of support. This selfishness eats away at me too.

What is going on in Haiti is almost incomprehensible and just awful to think about. I think it's a combination of all these happenings and a total feeling of helplessness that I almost am withdrawn. I know i need to some how tune back in. I need to somehow re-energize. I am in need of something... and I hope it comes soon.

Hopefully the next post will be a little more up.

Everything 3-4 weeks... like clock work

Another weekend came and went, here I am sitting at work on Monday reflecting upon it all. It was a rather good weekend, i did a lot of things that were fun and really enjoyable, spent time with people i care about, also managed to be productive too with house chores and such. It's funny though, that even though i feel positive about it-- I WAY too often get wrapped up in minutia and somehow Matt ends up needing to cheer me up about something stupid. Now, I am not saying i was angry at someone, something, or needed to be cheered up because something dramatic happened. BUT somehow-- probably about every 3rd to fourth week in every month-- i find myself in some sort of existential crisis. Really, it's so silly, but i find myself asking myself really deep questions about my inadequacy. Seriously, Donna, THIS is SO unnecessary. Like after a great time with friends, i leave and ask Matt, " did i say anything wrong tonight" or "should i have said ..." stupid questions to confirm that people like me. Deep down i know they like me, deep down i know i should NOT be worrying about this pointless minutia that will have absolutely NO positive results. Actually, NO results at all.

I think about all the people in my life that i love and I feel SO great about it all. When i think i all the people i could call to tell them how much i care about them. But somehow, during my moments of low confidence i find myself focusing on all those people that i dont think care as much about me. I think of a certain couple actually, that i used to be VERy close to that i dont so much recieve a birthday card from, or any random texts to invite me things. It's not that they DO anything to me, it's the lack of doing things. And I HATE it that this gets to me. In those moments i dwell on this absence of something and never manage to compensate for all the beautiful things the other people in my life do. And that's when Matt has to hear me ramble and rant, he has to make sense of my illogic. I get myself down for NO REASON whatsoever, and start questioning the person i am. Is this normal?

I need to work on myself a lot during these times. It all starts with being comfortable with who i am. Which i truly believe I am... most of the time. I am just so lucky that I have a husband to tolerates my ups and downs.

So in recap, my weekend was incredibly fulfilling (minus the gaps in clarity-- see above). Some excellent friends invited us over on Friday for dinner, to hangout, and play games. It's really is enjoyable hanging out with them, we also end up staying late and laughing A LOT!! Saturday i got to see my BFF in the whole world, with her boyfriend. We met in Cbus and thought we go ice skating. But Matt got scared about 40 minutes away and we ended up going to a pottery place to talk and paint and do something different. Matt couldnt see himself finding enjoyment clinging to a wall surrounded by 7 years olds. I dont blame him. We went out to Benihanna for dinner and had an greeeeeat time. Sunday came and went, I went to the gym for the first time since before i got married. that was productive. I also cleaned, went to the grocery and relaed without matt home. Tonight i am watching the Bachelor with one of my newest girlfriends, and wednesday is Broadway play night with J and A. I am feeling optimistic about this week... and Happy good start to week to you!