So work has been unusually stressful the last couple weeks, and i was accused of being pushy last week. Excuse me for having high expectations of people, and expecting that people put in the same effort that I do. Well, apparently i have been shaken by it.... and now i am worried that i am being pushy all the time. I check with my boss and she says i am doing great and just doing my job, but I cant help it. It takes me back to college, especially business school, where we had groups projects in just about every class. I know i was perceived as pushy in college by some team members, but now that i think about it those people were NOT like me at all. I often was the group leader, and i ALWAYS picked up the slack of the poor performer. I think about this because i requested my transcripts the other day for a job application and it brought me back to thinking about my long days in the library, my study habits, my relationships with my teachers, and-- not to brag-- but my success. Where am I now? How have i changed? or have i?
I have been thinking a lot about my old college days a lot lately. I am not sure why, maybe because i recently started watching old episodes of Felicity and it really reminds me of my experience. And the friends i made. The the extremely formative period in my life it was. I think back on those 4 (5) years and i feel the feelings and happiness that i had then. Ya, i know some times were hard but i honestly dont think i would have changed a single thing. Sometimes i wish i could re-create some of the same opportunities. Like opportunities to get to graded, and opportunities to meet people, opportunities to make an impact. I was SO involved back then. I cant even name off all the clubs and groups i was involved in. I recall having stuff going on almost every night of the week. On top of spending insane amounts of time just being with friends. Even though things really were great back then, they were difficult because all everyone including myself was trying to do was make it and figure themselves out along the way. Figuring out how to be independent and what you want to do in life. And who i am.
I dont know what got lost through the generations, or maybe things have always been like this, but it seems like the age of searching for self is getting older. It's not the teens, or the twenties, but maybe even older? If we are not busy calculating others, it's our own selves that leave us the most puzzled and confused. Why is this?Is there a guide to soul searching? Or is there even such thing?
I am really happy where i am right now, really. I am sure i am going to look back on these days, in my house now, in my job right now and think how great things were. But how come sometimes it takes hind sight to see what we have. I wonder what it was like a day in my grandma's eyes, she never really complained about her life or how hard things are (or were). She had opinions, but never complaints. And i know she lead one happy and fulfilled life. But when do you know it? Does it take looking back as a 90 year old woman?
So i guess i am sort of making a pack with myself. To do every day improvements. Well, conscientious improvements. Lately i have found working out has helped my mood and my spirit. Being with certain friends has helped my mood. But i also find that entertaining really sucks the energy out of me... and this never was the case. Like the constant awareness of how i am presenting myself, how others are feeling, and what can be doing to make sure everyone is OK and an enjoying themselves. And then trying to cover this heightened awareness.... it's all exhausting. I want to improve.
Last night i took my very first spinning class and i absolutely LOVED it. It was hard, but this is going to get incorporated into my weekly life. I know this is a selfish improvement, but bettering the soul starts with a little bit of selfishness.
And her is a a really good song my coworker L sent me. I love it! It's not fitting-- in fact quite the opposite. But nonetheless....
more soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment