Just another Tuesday

So what has been going on my life since the unbelievably sad week i had last week? I guess not a whole lot. Ive been thinking about my other friend J who is also having struggles with her dad's health as he is moving to a facility to take care of him with his advancing ALS. He is moving today, out of her childhood home, out, oy, my friends need to catch a break.

Nothing is going on in my life, i have been feeling like I can get a lot of my energy right now by doing things for others. It does feel selfishly good to be helpful; I slaved away for 2-3 hours on Sunday to make homemade lasagna and a chocolate chocolate chip cake my my sister-in-law and her family as they readjust to thier new arrival. Although i am not sure i will get much thanks for that. I also made some cake for matt's parents and they were BEYOND appreciative by how good it was, and it was pretty good if i do say so myself. In fact, i think it might be one of my all time favorite desserts. Saturday night i went up to Dayton to celebrate two wonderful friend's engagement... it was a great time. We went out to Mexican and then bowling-- which i haven't done in yeeeears. I bowled a huge 44!! But it was fun to spend time with that whole gang, and catch up with some who i dont get to see very often. they truly are some great friends.

This week I dont have much going on; I went over to E's to watch the Bachelor last night and catch up with her. That was nice. Tonight is LOST with matt (which i am also excited about), and then who knows what this week and weekend will have in store. I gave Matt the ultimatum that is he doesnt take action to buy a new computer by the end of this month I will... so we'll see how that goes this weekend.

It's been almost 5 months since we've been married and we still haven't given out photographer a few songs to put into our wedding video. we gotta do that this weekend. Got any good suggestions?

Lots of random thoughts, but i think i will close for right now. Just going to keep on swimming....

A peaceful passing and a new beginning

I went. I went to NYC because I found out a couple hours before i left for the airport the services were going to held after i returned. I went, I felt sorry i wasn't in town when she called and texted me to hangout. But I dont think she was mad. I went to the visitation and the mass last night and it was beautiful. I cried a lot for K, her family and D. It was beautiful and just so sad. I am thinking about her constantly right now as i know in the next hour she is going to be burying her dad. I can only imagine how hard it's going to be for her and the family. K will probably never know how sick i feel not knowing how to be a good friend to her, or how to be helpful to her right now, i just never know what the right thing to do is. All you can do is pray.

As sad as all this is, there was a birth this weekend. Matt's brother and sister-in-law had a new baby. We visited in the hospital yesterday morning and he is beautiful. Mom and baby are both doing well. I got a little teary-eyed when i first saw him. What an emotional weekend.

It's ironic that today is the first day of Lent. I am going to mass again with matt for Ash Wednesday in about 1/2 hour. Hopefully my next post will be only brighter.

Rest in Peace D, may you live on forever in the hearts of your family. K is surely a reflection of you. Welcome home.
And to new baby, Ben.... cant wait to see what trials and triumphs await you. Life is fast.

The Not Knowing

Things here always remain interesting, and of course, ever-changing. I am not sure what gaps to fill-in since the last post, but i sure have been busy. Highlights/low lights probably include some long days standing in Matt's dad's garage writing off goodwill, eating out with friends, trivia night, having friends over to dinner, gosh who knows. This weekend New York City is in my plans to visit my sister and my entire family has been looking forward to this long weekend since before Christmas.

here is the thing. One of my good friend's dad is dying of pancreatic cancer. Yes, he was diagnosed a while ago and he has been deteriorating every since she went on sabbatical from work back in August. However, she is home again because her dad was admitted into hospice and the nurses do believe this is probably the end. It's horrible, he isn't eating, he is heavily sedated with pain meds, and the whole family is just bracing for a peaceful passing. This girl was in my wedding, obviously not just an acquaintance. No, what do i do? If he dies and the funeral is this weekend what do i do with these non-refundable $300+ plane tickets and all the plans over the weekend? I sound like an awful person even posting the question. Matt thinks i should go, but it's his logic talking. My heart is so heavy not knowing when it will happen and what the right thing to do in this situation is. It's heavy thinking about my friend. It's a tough week.... Please send some advice if anyone is out there.

Monday is past

So i am better today, i told you I would be. I ended up leaving work pretty close to 6, a little past the snowing fall sideways. Luckily the roads didnt get bad within that window of opportunity and I made it home not as late as i thought. I just get perturbed when i am tired and exhausted and I have to stay late waiting on someone else when this deadline they knew about days prior!! In fact, i even followed up multiples times during the day to ensure they would get it done BEFORE 5 EST. But enough of stupid people.

Last night I went to E's apartment to watch the bachelor-- she also had two other friends over. One who ive met before and the other who i didn't, both were SUPER nice! I brought over Indian food and we just vedged out. Both of her friends were SO interesting, one is finishing her PhD in neuroscience at UC and the other is waiting on her final application for med school at Yale. Not to mention she already got into Case and Northwestern, and who know what other schools she didnt tell me about. Wheew!! It felt good to be around new people, people who were glad to be around me. I need this. I need low maintenance friends, i need friends that call me and care, i need to be around people that dont make me feel like i dont belong. I am sick of drama, i am sick of investing so much thought into what my so-called friends think about me. And, of course, we all know this topic of conversations spawns from just a small few people here. I do have some fantastic friends too in my life. But you know what i am getting at.

Glad Monday is over and I am another day closer to the weekend. A weekend we dont really have plans... which is nice. Hopefully the sun comes out a little bit.

WORK VENT

i AM SITTING AT WORK FUMING!!!! I AM WAITING TO GO HOME BUT STUPID CALIFORNIA SITE OFFICE CANT GET THIER DATA IN ON TIME. I DONT HAVE A WORKING COMPUTER, I COULD HAVE LEFT WORK 25 MINUTES AGO BEFORE IT STARTED SNOWING A LOT! A LOT!!!!!! Now who the fuck knows how long it will take me to get home because cincinnati drivers are idiots whenever there is anything falling from the sky, and i am just sitting here twiddeling my thumbs waiting for the fuckers in california WHERE IS ONLY 2:30 THERE GET OFF THIER ASSES!!!!!! STILLL WAITING!!!!!

i need a damn computer and a husband that had priorities every once in a while. I hate it when it takes a tipping point like this!!!


Thanks for letting me vent.

Ill be better tomorrow.

Another day another dollar

I am doing a little better today, nothing really has changed since my last post but I do feel a little better. Emotionally-- definitely not physically. J, A and I went snowboarding last night. It was their 2nd attempt and my first. I am SO bad, i didnt do as terrible as anticipated, but i am definitely not good by any means! It was different, it was a change of scenery, it was welcomed. I am SORE!!!

This weekend I am going back up to Cleveland to see both grandmas this time and go to the Cavs game Saturday night. Apparently Grandma G went to the hospital yesterday for severe swelling in her legs. More sad news on that end. Another whirl wind weekend in front of me.

hopefully more good news next post.

Down

I hope it's a hormonal thing, but gosh do i feel down right now. I cant pin-point what exactly it is right now. I don't know if it just ONE thing, but i just cant seem to be happy and excited. I had a long weekend and I just didnt feel like going anywhere. I could have stayed in my house all day long. I did leave, but i didn't feel like partying and seeing a lot of people. I, for some reason, felt that my laughter would feel fake. Matt and I were shopping for shelves and cabinets yesterday and a few times he looked over at me and said i looked dead. Everything felt tired and exhausted. I didn't feel like myself, i dont like it.

I am a little better today, although I have plans to snowboard (try to snowboard) with J and A tomorrow and I feel exhausted thinking about it. Also not like me. How do i snap out of whatever this is?

There are a few things in particular that seem gloomy. Like my Grandma and how sick and debilitated she has become. This weekend she started needing 24-hour care. My mom will be sleeping at her house until thursday and I cant imagine how hard this must be for everyone involved. And my mind just wanders about what it must be like, and i feel the deep down sadness because my grandma means everything to our family. Then i think about two of my friends who have terribly, terribly sick dad's. And i think about making plans in the future and the feeling fades because what if i have to go to a funeral. It's hard to not be able to think so far ahead. And this weekend I found it particularly hard to be there for those friends in need of support. This selfishness eats away at me too.

What is going on in Haiti is almost incomprehensible and just awful to think about. I think it's a combination of all these happenings and a total feeling of helplessness that I almost am withdrawn. I know i need to some how tune back in. I need to somehow re-energize. I am in need of something... and I hope it comes soon.

Hopefully the next post will be a little more up.