Busy life as a Bachelorette

I have been struggling to find time to write about whats going on in my life. Mostly because I have been so busy with what's going on in my life I cant really sort out and prioritize what I should be doing first no less think about how I can write about it. Aside from my head being crazy full, today is the first day I woke up for work and not felt like i got run over by a bus. And i mean that in probably as literal as possible since I have been a COMPLETE WASTE both at work and out of work. UNBELIEVABLY TIRED and lacking motivation, and also lacking the ability to formulate complete sentences. Honestly, i thought i should go to the doctor to get tested for mono because I dont ever remember feeling so lethargic and exhausted-- and for such a prolonged period. Yes, prolonged.... a whopping 3 days. Big whoop, right?

I have to thank my loving friends for throwing me an AWESOME bachelorette party this weekend in which i stayed up later than i ever have in the past 2-3 years. UP late and I dont sleep in much anymore... leaving me one tired and off balanced girl. Friday night I didnt go to bed until after 3am since my sister's flight was cancelled and she was routed to Louiville at midnight. I work up around 9:30 on Saturday morning and on Saturday night i went to bed after 4am. Yes, 4am!

Get out of denial, Donna, You-are-not-in-college-anymore.

But gosh was it neat to have ALL my best girlfriends in ONE room. We rented a SAWEET hotel room at the hyatt and E, C and D all got stuff ready to have chocolate, wine and cheese. E, C, and D were like little angels, they helped SO much. In fact, they blew me away by how much time and $$ they spent on this night. I am almost feeling bad about it since they just went ABOVE and BEYOND what I could have ever asked them to do. It was extra special to be able to spend extra time with them this weekend, we rarely all get to see each other. We are all sisters who have an unbelievably strong bond. I just love them.

The night in general was just awesome, it was awesome to have so many great people with me. In fact, i kept thinking that night that this will probably be the last time that this exact group of girls will all be together in one room like this. We went out to a really fun dinner, J brought a yummy cake to eat after dinner back at the hotel, and then we all hit the bars. We stayed up really late. And after we got back and all went to bed, P and I chatted together for another hour at least. It was one of the chats that dont get to happen very often because rarely do we have uninterrupted time together just the two of us. It was a great night. A night i will remember for a long looong time.

All of Sunday i felt totally out of it and a complete waste, and my work week has been odd since i cant seem to get my head in the game. Plus, i need to be studying some more this week for the PMP certification test i take a week from today. SO much going on. And i feel like i have stuff going on after work so many nights. O ya, and i have to start packing up my apartment soon. O my so much to do.

But life is hella good right now.

Here a some highlights from the rockin night on Saturday.

A picture i love my sister snapped-- all of the girls walking to dinner

Everyone in the hotel room

Dinner at Blackfinn

100th Post

wow. That sure seems like a big number. I have been expecting this number and have been brewing over something good to write about for this very anti-climatic milestone. What is worthy in a 100th post? Maybe i should take this time, now 100 posts in, to think about what direction i want to take this little blog-o-mine. What do I really want to consider it? It really has no sense of cogency, it has no theme, no direction, and really- i am not that good of a writer either. What is the point?

The more the entries add up am i really going to look back through them and read what i thought on some specific day. Even my 'deepest' thoughts are still rather shallow and normally fleeting. I dont think I necessarily have any lessons to share with the world, and there is a very very small percentage of that world that would stumble on this web page anyway. I have done very little publicizing of it, perhaps subconsciously i would rather keep it diary-esque? I really have no idea. What is the point.

Perhaps these thoughts about this little blog-o-mine are symbolic of this greater feeling about my life in general. At this very not-so-ripe age of 26 what have i really done? Sometimes the greatest story tellers are those that have gone through hardships or have lived a reeeally, really long life before them and have something to share. I cant quite relate. And I really don't think someone needs to experience something grand and great, or heart wrentching and disastrous, to have something so say to world. OR let me rephrase that, to have something to say that has any value or meaning.

When I was in college i lead a retreat with a team of 20 other wonderful people. The name of it was Metanoia which means "change of heart." It was great to be a participant, but even better leading it because you got to experience and see the feeling the other participants had during their journey. It was so rewarding to be a part of. One of lessons i took away from it was the idea that everyone has a story. It's always been so easy to judge people, or write people off, or forget somone, or something relational when everyone has a story. 'This person is quiet and shy for a reason, they shouldn't be forgotten. Or this person may seem all bubbly and nice but actually are heartbreaking inside because of something that has happened to them personally.' The scenarios like this are endless. Everyone has a story and it is our job as people of community to learn about each person and learn their story. You, too, have something to teach someone. And often you dont even realize it.

This is a great take-away and too often i forget this lesson. More often than not i am looking for a another Metanoia of my own. Especially right now when I feel overwhelmed with my job, wedding planning, trying to get out of a gym membership, o the endless to-do list.... I need a change of heart. It's like I am searching for something to give outwardly which i think will in turn help me inwardly. As i well know about myself, what others feel and think about me is very effective on my mood. I know this because when i am around certain wonderful friends I come home feeling like the top of the world and how happy and included and loved and comfortable i am. And other times, like last night with other sets of friends, i feel a little drained and over worked. It's a strange feeling that I dont feel like dissecting right now. But at the very core is ME. I am the one stagnant variable. I am the control. And i am IN CONTROL.

As i go my way of life I am going to learn that i don't need a Metanoia to necessarily cope better with overwhelming situations. Who and what I am is something that I need to love inside and out from INSIDE myself. And in the very special and unique time in my life right before i get married, i need to step back and enjoy it. And NOT get overcome by the minutia of it all. This time in my life is short lived and must be enjoyed.

The book I am reading right now the author talks about the calm inside yourself. And to think of the world like a spinning wheel. It's chaotic on the outside, things are changing and happening to you every minute every day that can consume your thoughts. The outside is spinning very fast while the center is slow and barely turning. And in that center is ME. My heart. ANd to take solace in my heart when life is chaotic. I accept those thoughts that make me sad or happy or stressed or disgruntled, accept them and move on.

I have to end on an up note, since i dont want to re-read this post in the future and think I am in a bad place right now. I am not, in fact i know i am in one of the best places right now. And physically whatever place i stand doesnt matter because this happy place in within. Because my heart is full of love, I have a lot of love around me to keep pouring into it, and I am just beginning this journey in my life that will only get better. I haven't even seen the half of it.... and I am buckled in for the best ride of my life.

Day by Day

I know I have said this like a thousand times over the past few months, by MY GOD I AM SO BUSY!!! I cant seem to catch my breath. It's like every week night i have 2-4 things going on and have a long list of to-do's, and no time for any of them. On top of busy, BUSY weekends. I suppose i shouldnt be complaining, really all things going on a good things the involve my friends, wedding planning, family, etc. But I am having a hard time catching my breath. It's like i just need time to slow down so i can pick my feet back up and re-start my pace.

This past week Ive been busy but really happy about what i've been getting into. Lets start with thursday afternoon. I decided to take the day off work and meet my mom in Columbus to get some wedding stuff done, to get away, and to spend a little time with her. Of course, we got NOTHING accomplished, but it was so so nice being able to spend the time with her. That night matt and I took Art B. over to the levee... for the first time! Let me tell you about this old man named Art. He has lived in my building for about 3 years, he is always by himself, he is in a wheel chair, he is always sitting in the lobby waiting to spark a conversation with someone, did i mention he is always by himself? Well, he is actually married but apparently she doesnt spend ANY time with him. This mans looks at Newport across the river EVERY DAY from his apartment and has never been the 1/2 mile over there. UNBELIEVABLE! This poor man, he is clearly lonely. So in a little off-the-cuff conversation i had i told him i would take him to the levee one of these days. And that day happened to be last Thursday. Which we also would find out that it was the day before his 72nd birthday. Anotehr birthday in which he had NO PLANS. He couldnt even rememeber the last present he got from his wife, he couldnt remember the last time he had such a nice time. It really just broke my heart. We decided to take him to a nice dinner at Brio and treat him for his birthday. He wanted to pay but it was clear he has NO money to spend. Perhaps his wife controls all thier money. This was made even clearer when we went in a little shop to waste time and he wanted to buy a little momento or something. He looked and looked and the only thing that he ended up buying was a drink stirrer for .79 cents. ONE stirrer. As he was going back up to his apartment he said how it was one of the nicests evenings he has had in a long, long time..... I am so glad we did that.

Friday night Matt and I went over his friend's B and A to have dinner. They are such a nice couple and truly good friends of Matt's. They cooked up a delighful dinner and then we went over to A's parents house to pick out our wedding present. Her dad is going to custom make us a stained glass piece. What a cool present, isnt it?! It will definitely be something we will have for a very, VERY long time. Afterwards we went back to thier house and player cranium until one in the morning just laughting and laughing and it was SUCH a wonderful night.

Saturday we got up early and made a trip to kroger and up to DAyton to go canoeing the entire day and then have a cookout at D's house. ALL day in the hot sun and didnt get burned bur ENTIRELY bruised-up instead. It was a lot of fun, and the cookout was always fun, and ALWAYS hanging out with that group of friends is delightfully refreshing. No drama, we all get along so well, we are so close to each other, and it always just makes me feel so good that I really do have such wonderful friends in this world. These past two nights were just soooooo nice. And since i havent seen some of them in a few weeks they didnt forget my birtday and gave me some presents. I-was-so-touched. Gosh. I just love them!

Yesterday Matt and I went out to lunch at Habeneros and then to his parents house so we could all leave together for a funeral. Which was chaotic, but i helped Matt's mom with the rehearsal dinner invites-- which are so beautiful-- and then went out to dinner. It was a little chaotic. But it ended the weekend on a high note.

This week i have so much to do.And next week is going to be worse. I am taking a PMP bootcamp class and then eventually i have to take the certification test. O my god does that stress me out. The thought of studying and being stressed to take a test... a test that if i fail it will be public, and if i have to re-take it i will have to pay the 2000 or 1500 dollars that is costs. Oy.

Day by day is my mantra, i need to get through today first. I need to slow down and take deep breaths. When i look back on this time i will have no idea what it is that is worrying me or keeping me up at night. It all really doesnt matter that much in the end. I am working on this. Slowely i am working on quieting my mind and taking each day as it comes.

Until i write again....

Flooring it in neautral

I am flooring it in neutral, that is what Matt said to me last night as I was wading through a flurry of stress that had consumed me yesterday. That I stayed up late worrying about all the things i need to do, yet I did none of them this weekend. So many things but i feel like I am stalling, because i cant seem to make up my mind about anything. Anything! Which is why i cant get anything done.

I think i was born without that 'wedding planning' gene that all women seem to talk about. My friends who have gotten married before me all seem to say how much they enjoyed the process; I-for one- CANNOT wait until the day gets here just i can stop thinking about all the stuff i have to do! In fact, i think i said multiple MULTIPLE times this weekend how much i hate wedding planning. Maybe after the day has come and gone i will think back on the experience and forget the negative feelings and remember only the fun things. But right now, I am just wishing it to be over. All i really want is to be married to matt. I am not enjoying all the logistic planning and constant talking about all the little things. And it's those little things that are making me crazy right now. Like, what do i we do about the parking situation. What about the dates of the wedding party, what should they do about parking? And then what about cleaning up the church, and then setting up the church. O wait, and then what if i messed up the flowers order and the flower girl doesn't have her flowers. OR what if they wrote the wedding was at 6pm and they dont come? OR what if our GIANT cake falls over!?! hold on, what if the cake table doesnt have an outlet for the fountain. nooow, wedding part gifts.... what the heck am i going to get you all!?! And matt's gifts? What should i do with my hair? What if it looks ugly by ther reception? Do i wear it down? What about my head piece... i dont want to order it online. And our wedding bands, i dont want to order those online either. When am i going to find time to design and print programs? Joe and Jenn's programs were so pretty and nice, our's will never look that nice because I AM SICK OF SPENDING MONEY!!

And i have a thing about asking for help.

Not that i am afraid, i am just not that organized.

uuuugh. Wade through the paragraph above and most of it can be deleted i am sure. But it's just a snippet of the madness that goes through my mind. I seriously think i am neurotic. And then when people ask me about the wedding, i like to down play it because i dont want to appear that neurotic. I just dont feel like reliving what is going on in my head. So usually when people ask me how it's going i always say.." i am not doing much...". Which is the truth. Except in my crazy head.

I did, however, pick up my wedding dress this weekend and paid for it all. I went by myself and tried it on and it is BEAUTIFUL. I really love it. I also picked out these totally adorable white satin pumps. They give me a little lift too, so i am not that much shorter than matt for pictures. The rest of the weekend was spent pretty much flying by the seat of our pants. We had no real plans, and honestly-- i wouldnt have wanted it any other way. Friday night we went out to dinner with matts brothers, Jennifer and jake. And pretty much hung out with them the entire night. Saturday we ran errands together, went out to lunch, and ran and went swimming. We also went to this hole-in-the-wall pizza place for dinenr around 9pm and it was really fun. Saturday was just a really great day. Sunday was slower, i didn't do much. But I am back to Monday and already planning out the entire week.

There is an old man in a wheel chair who is always in the lobby of my apartment. I think he is lonely, his wife always seems to leave him behind. I dont think i have ever seen his wife. He seems kind of locked up in the building, he's not very mobile and always wants to spark a conversation. A few weeks back he told me that he has never been to the levee-- which is RIGHT ACROSS THE Bridge from our building. Literally, i am there all the time. It's hard to believe. So Matt and I are taking him over there for dinner on Thursday. Poor old man, hopefully he has a good time with us.

Next weekend should be busy. Plans almost every night. I am ready to be done with the week already!

For now, ill leave with this:

Eat, Pray, Love

For my birthday my best friend C got me a book titled Eat, Pray, Love. C has given me books as gifts before and she continues to never let me down. They generally aren't 'genre' -related, in that i mean they are not like "mysteries, or romance, or biography.' It seems like they are always like a little gem that could be plucked from anywhere in a book store. Generally, books like these tend to captivate me the most. And with this book, C has done it once again. She gave it to me last weekend, and Thursday night at around 11pm i picked it up to start it before i went to bed. These past two nights i have gone to bed after midnight because i always want to read one more chapter. I cant quite figure it out what I love most about this book, it is just starting to develop. Elizabeth Gilbert is the author and her writing is very relatable, she is also very intelligent, and very entertaining. She is a woman in mid to late-thirties and she writes about her personal experiences, starting with her divorce, he career, he house, relationships, etc. And although my experiences are not similar in fact-- they are so similar in how i can visualize myself somewhere and can relate to it in a deep way. I cant describe it. I admire this. I wish i could write like this. It's honest, yet she doesnt reveal a lot of detail. For example, she tells her readers in the beginning about her divorce and how she felt during this time. It's captivating, yet she doesnt go into a single detail about how or why it all happened. It's quite amazing, actually. Writers like these are gifted.

Well, this book is about soul searching, and finding yourself, and finding God. Something I can very much relate to. I am only on page 50 or so, I cant quiet figure out her perspectives yet, but I am very much intrigued. And very jealous. She basically spends a year travelling to Italy, India, and Indonesia to learn about life's little lessons. And then gets a book advance to write about them. Could she be any luckier? I don't ever see myself spending 4 months away living in a different country on a different continent to be able to pick up these spiritual insights. But yet I am thirsty for it. I am always trying to find my strength in God, and improving myself, and improving my relationships. I have a hard time sleeping at night because i cant quiet my mind. Finding and understanding the relationship with yourself and with God it seems like a path to peace. It really has nothing to do heaven and life after death (although, yes, it is written in the scriptures). For those people who don't have this relationship, i wonder why they cant seem the value that is can bring to their lives now. In the quality of your life while you are still living. Life happens fast.

Currently one thing that stirs and picks away at me is friendships in my life. No, they don't really eat away at my heart because I have found some truly deep and meaningful relationships. In fact, i have been extremely blessed when i think of faces of my friends I love. But I constantly find myself wanting to thank them. Maybe "thank" isn't the right word. But make them understand that they effort and thought they have put into our friendship really, really means a lot to me. I find myself leaving conversations with some friends thinking, 'gosh, i hope what i said about something-er-other didn't come out wrong.' Or, I certainly hope they didn't get bored with that i was saying. Or hope what i said about what's it called was appropriate. Basically, all this self- analysis about how the other person has felt or thought during my time with them. I would be at ease if i knew they enjoyed themselves. But no one ever really knows what happens in an other person's head. Therefore, when we depart from the situation or conversation i feel the need to 'thank' them and convey somehow that really enjoyed and appreciate this time spent. And it really meant a lot to me to have some of their time. It's almost like i over-compensate here. At the end. Because sometimes a bad time can be overlooked if something positive results. I am so critical of myself! I feel like understanding myself, loving myself, having a little more faith in who and what I am will allow me silence my mind. It will calm my heart.

I find that those relationships that flurry activity in my head-- again, not speaking of those deep, meaningful best friendships I have cultivated-- but the other friendships that don't reciprocate this feeling back to me. These are the friends that dont put a lot of thought into our relationship. And it's clear. I let this relationship pick at me. Why? I have no idea. For example, this week I have a friend from college who emailed me. She is someone i do consider a friend, we have know each other a while. I am getting married (she is not a bridesmaid) but someone who never really asked me if i needed helping with anything, never came to any of my wedding showers or responded really. Yet, i do consider her a friend. I overlook things and not get upset with them like a rational person should. But she emailed me this week, a short email, to see if we wanted to get together sometime this week and asked me how the shower went this weekend. It was nice of her to ask. I responded with a an email 3 times as long, full of questions back and supportive comments for her-- she is getting married too-- and it was actually a delightful email that i would have loved to receive. This was monday. I responded on Monday. She never responded back. Today is Friday.
I need to be at peace with myself to realize that this is not a reflection back at me.
I struggle with this.

Elizabeth Gilbert says in her book something to effect of not thinking about this situation with your head, but looking at the situation through your heart. I still need to figure out what this means. And how to related it to every day situations. And how to introspectively handle my challenges. Of course, i dont plan on learning all of life's little lessons from this one book. But it certainly is on my mind right now. She is quite inspiring; Perhaps only because she is relatable with her candor engaging her readers in her emotional and cultural tapestry.

I am-- and we all are-- a work in progress.

Love story of your life

So i recently heard this song and I am absolutely in love with it. I am in love with the instrumentals, the song, the feeling behind it, everything about it. When you listen to it gives you a really good feeling, it fills you up and almost makes you strong. Something. a feeling, i seem to lose too often. I wish it was tangible so that I could put it in my pocket and take out when ever I feel myself getting weak. Or overcome by emotions of insecurities, fear, anxiety, sadness. Not that these feelings are with me often, but things happen to me with my friends, important relationships that I let control me when really I need to take control myself.

My dear friend C lives her life in an incredible and honest way. She follows her faith in God, her faith in herself, and trust herself in life's unexpected situations. She has heart and I admire the way she lives her life. When you meet her you are drawn to her spirit and her soul. She is my best friend. She is also a role model. She is sister, she is a soul mate. she is my best friend.

I need to remind myself that God has given me a lot of blessings. The grass is never greener on the other side. I have a LOT, a lot, of love in my life. I have been fortunate with a lot of travels and experiences. I have found the love of a lifetime that will only grow in the years to come. I have so much to see ahead of me in life time. I chose to make the most of the situations that I encounter, what goes around always comes back. I have nothing to lose.

This weekend is just what i needed

What a good weekend. It of course was not without stress, i spent the entire day on friday cleaning for my parents to come on saturday. But overall is was almost perfect. Friday i had the day off of work, and i woke up a little later, went to a kick-boxing class at the gym, then i went for a reeeeally good walk with F, then ran some errands, got home and cleaned WHOLE SALE CLEANED my apartment. The day was great, walking with F was like a breath of fresh air, and we have some talks that make me love how lucky i am to have some wonderful friends in my life. Seriously, we talked about everything from serious stuff to frivolous things that just make us laugh. She is truly wonderful.

My parents came down late on saturday so matt and i cleaned my apartment in the morning, went out for lunch, went swimming in the afternoon, and still had time to run the vacuum and do other random clean-up stuff before they came down. they got here and we went for a walk downtown to show them all the 'wedding sites' and how close all the locations were. Unfortunately we couldn't walk inside of of the venues because of other events were going on at the time. But we did manage to walk inside the Hilton Netherlands where out of town guest have a block of rooms reserved. As i must say we were all VERY IMPRESSED. Talk about a grand a fancy hotel. It is sure to please everyone. After our little walk we sat down for dinner outside , waiting for the rain to come and go, and had drinks in the square and at another local restaurant. We got back late and was ready for another busy day on sunday.

Sunday I had another shower with Matt's family and some local friends. It was a pure delight.! Of course, i was so stressed out, worried about those of my friends who came that didnt know anyone. Worried that people weren't enjoying themselves, worried that people didnt have anyone to talk to. O so many worries. And above all, opening presents is SO stressful because all the spotlight is on ME and how i react to opening housewares. Oy, this is SO hard to do and soooo stressful!! I Am so glad it is over. But everyone gave us such wonderful presents, everyone was SO kind and generous to me, everyone was waiting on me! It was like I was constantly thanking someone for something they did for me the entire day.

The friends that came were those that touch my heart so deeply. They are so genuine and make me reconfirm my decision on who to pick in my bridal party to stand next to me that day that i get married. I am so so blessed to have such wonderful friends. And the thing that made me almost fall to my knees is when C walked in the house. My very best friend from childhood and all time who drove ALL TEH WAY FROM CLEVELAND just to be there for a couple hours. O just thinking about it make makes me want to crumble and fall into just a puddle of gooey emotions. I just cant believe it! I feel so bad she had to drive all the way, and it was sooo unnecessary, but gosh, i just cannot BELIEVE she did that. And for me. It almost makes me weepy thinking about it.

Everyone was just so nice to me, and made me feel so loved and welcomed. And every one of Matt's family members hugged me and said how much they loved me and cant wait for me to be in the family. O and my friends, they are so generous with their time. It was exactly the pick-me-up i needed to get me over that lull i seemed to have been feeling. This feeling that i had that the wedding is so far away,. only work and money involved that gets me down. But this uplifted my spirits.

I cannot wait for the bachelorette party for the pure reason that i get to spend time with these wonderful friends of mine. I am so lucky.


I am just SO. Lucky.