Dear Nicholas- Happy FIRST Birthday!

 Dear  my sweet little boy, Nicholas,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I cant believe that one year ago today i was back in the hospital enjoying your small 6.9 oz little body all cozy in my arms. I would have never in my wildest dreams imagined how you are today, or all the love you bring on a daily basis.  I cant believe today you are ONE year old. You are no longer a baby, but now you are a toddler!

We had your birthday party yesterday and you were a pure delight.... for 99% of the day.  You played with your friend Ethan, and wheeled your cousins around in your new car, and you cozied up to everyone wanting to play with you. Uncle Rudy especially.  You got all kinds of cool gifts, from little Vtech laptops, books, helicopters, your new car and an awesome radio flyer rocking horse from Grandma and Grandpa G.  Opening gifts was not your forte. And neither was your time to enjoy cake. You cried when we sang, and cried even harder wante to give you some of it. Poor thing. YOu were tired and NOT hungry, how dare us try to feed you an entire cake with ice cream! Someone call child protective services! But as soon as you got down from your chair and could play with your toys everything was A- OK. And you even got some of that yummy cake of yours later in the night after everyone had gone home.

This last month of baby hood continued to be as good as the last eleven.  You still haven't taken any steps by yourself, but you certainly are close! I think you are still a little scared to go without holding on to anything.  When i took you to the doctor this month you were 24.5 lbs, and still just above average in the percentiles.  You are more aware of your surroundings and now you are learning some stubborn ways of doing things. Specifically if you want a toy that you cant have, or if you cant go somewhere, you will throw yourself to to the ground and wail.... until you get whatever it is you want.  You are a tricky little bugger. But we are smarter than you think......and have eyes in the back of our heads., so you better learn another way of getting what you want.

 Your smile gets brighter every day, and your eyes get bluer.... your lovable personality continues wins the hearts of everyone you meet.  I dont know how I got so lucky to get such a beautiful, smart, gentle, sweet, and most lovable human being as a son.   I can only wait to see what an incredible person you are going to grow up in the next ninety nine years.. And i can wait, because I am enjoying every second watching you grow. We move into our new house this week.... it will be a place you will have so many memories, and I cant wait to share them with you.  I love you more than the moon, the sun, and all the stars in between. You are the light of my life, and from the very bottom of my heart i wish you a very happy birthday, Nicholas.

Love,
Mommy

Dear Nicholas- Month Eleven

Dear Nicholas Bear,

Over the weekend your turned eleven month old, on the same day we were flying back from a week long cruise in the Caribbean. You were an angel on your birthday and did wonderfully on the plane-- probably better than i did. You sat next to your cousin Jake, like you did most of the week and played together so perfectly it was a joy to watch. You are so social and carefree, watching you cruise through life is beautiful to watch.  You are changing and growing so much, i cant believe you will be one just around the corner.

You are getting closer and closer to walking as every day passes. You are quick on all fours, but you are cruising around like nobodies business. YOu will climb and stand on anything to get you to a higher vantage point. Mommy included. You can move with the assistance of walkers, and you can make your way around grandma and grandpa's living room with ease. You can turn yourself around in complete circles when you are sitting, and the control you have of your entire body continues to get better and better.

Aside from your gross motor skills improving in leaps and bounds (pun intended), your fine motor skills continue to impress. You are great at picking up little things with your pincers, and you feed yourself with no problems at all. You absolutely love to point, that pointer finger of your goes everywhere these days. You still love textures and feeling everything. You touch and bring things to your cheek to feel them even better,  your haptic nature makes you, you.  And it's completely and utterly adorable.  Makes us wonder what you will with be when you grow up since you are so dexterous already.

The tooth count is holding steady at five, but two other bottom teeth will pop up any day now. You are a little babbler and you have a voice that is like music to my ears.  I love  listening to you, and your laugh still brings butterflies to my stomach. I love kissing you all over, and your giggle when we tickle you is too darn sweet. You vocabulary is ever-growing, this month you learned high five, and head-butt...and you you can clap for reason now.  O the ticks you will learn from your cousins and uncles will never fail to amaze.....

You are the most lovable little person I have ever met, it's hard for those who meet you to not fall for you, too. You are so laid back and calm, but still full of vibrancy and animation. You have an excitement for the world that sometimes it brings tears to my eyes watch you navigate through it. Spending an entire week with you on vacation was one of the best weeks of the entire year for me; it's been hard being back at work this week. I cant wait to get home today and give you lots of hugs and kisses.

Happy 11th month little man, enjoy your last 4 weeks of babyhood! We all love you so much!!

All the love to the moon and back,
Mommy

Dear Nicholas- Month 10

Dear Little baby bear-

Boy oh boy are you changing-- every single day! I cant believe how much you have grown up this past month.  It's like one day you fell asleep a little baby and woke up a little boy. The most important milestone you reached this month is you started crawling. One day after work on a Friday instead of scooting and rolling to get around, you actually pulled up onto all fours and moved forward.  And you did it was as much ease and grace like you have been moving for the last 9 months.  You can even pull up on things now, too.  But that;'s not all  the major milestones you can do, you can clap your hands, play peek-a-boo, and even feed yourself and drink from a sippy! You are getting more and more autonomous by the day and i couldn't be prouder.

At your nine month doctor's appointment, the doctor said most babies excel in one area at a time. That is, if they start moving they probably aren't going to be as verbal. And visa versa. Well, you are still one talkative little kid. You say mama and dada all the time, and continue to come up with all kinda of variations from those sounds. You can verbalize your emotions and your personality is becoming ever more present through what you say and do.  You still love to kick those little feet, and even though you can move  your body still cant keep up with your legs and feet.

The official tooth count is up to 5; two on top and three on the bottom. And we expect more any day now. You are drooling and spitting up a storm. Sometimes when you are bored in the backseat we will look back at your covered in spit. And it will be all over the mirror and seat around you, too.  You could fill a small baby pool with all the saliva.  But you don't seem to mind.... pretty consistent with your entire personality. You are easily content, very distractable, and full or smiles and giggles. Anyone can get a smile out of you with a small gesture, usually just a smile and you pass one right back.

It's quite a chance coming to get you in your crib to see you sitting up. It's all together beautiful, adorable, and pathetic and sad all at the same time. Like how in the world would such a sweet and loving creature be left all alone in this wooden jail? But slowly you are coming around to this sleeping thing. You go to bed pretty good most nights,. and for the last few days you have had some good naps, too.,  I still keep hoping you will sleep through the night on a regular basis one one of these days.

Lots of things happened this month; you had some great visits with grandma and grampa G, you went to the Little Gym one morning, you had a birthday dinner for Andrea and other friends at PF Changs, went to see jackson at Patrick and Ellen's baby shower ( one of your future new friends who may have the same birthday as you),  you got dotted on by Jax, Vollet, Chris and Annabelle for brunch and didn't even get scared by Chris's crazy hair and huge mustache.  Your cousin Kate got baptised this month, you watched mommy do the mudstash dash with Jessie and Andi, you celebrated mommy and daddy's 3rd wedding anniversary. And last but not least, you were there when we order our iphone 5s. Just kidding, that is not the last or the least-- Daddy got his pacemaker replaced this month. The next time he gets a new one you will be almost 10 years old, it's crazy to think about.

Your next month is sure to be fun and exciting as well, already lots of fun things planned including halloween activities, more fun visits, and your very first CRUISE!!! I cannot wait.  I especially cannot wait to get to spend an entire week off work with you. I cant wait to watch you in the sand, experience the ocean, and dote on you all week long.

Thank you for being the cutest little baby in the entire world. You light up every room you walk into, and mommy and daddy cannot get enough of you. Keep getting strong and bigger and another wonderful month ahead of you.

WIth all my love in the entire world... and then some,
Mommy

Dear Nicholas- Month 9

Dear Baby Bear Nick,

Yesterday you turned 9 months old!  It's hard to believe you are already three quarters through your first year and almost out of babyhood. I can hardly believe in just three months i will no longer have a little baby but toddler to come home to.  I guess my hugs and kisses will just have to get bigger and bigger to keep up with your growth.  You continue to get cuter and sweeter every day and i continue to enjoy every single second of watching you grow.

 This month first include you very first hair cut on August 12th. We went to Cookie Cutters and you got to sit in a car and you didn't mind one bit. Your hair sure does grow fast, it's already almost as long as when we got it cut.  But it's so cute, sometimes the back sticks straight up in the air. You love to play with your hair, its cracks us up to watch you grab is tough the top of your head. Another one of the many absolutely adorable things you do.

You are still not crawling, but every day you get closer and closer. You can go to the sitting position and inch forward with your hands until you are almost in the crawling position, but you haven't quite mastered it yet. Once you are too far forward you either fall to your belly or flip over to your back. You are still our little kicker, you keep those legs and feet moving even though you don't go anywhere. Uncle Bobby says we should call your cricket.,  Maybe you are the future runner of the family.

Over the last week we did see the top two teeth poke through the gum, any day now you will have a four-tooth smile and i am positive it will continue to light up every room you walk into. They are hidden my inflammation over the weekend, and I am positive they are bothering you... but you are mommy's little trooper and you power right through it.

We continue to fall in love with your personality; you love to play with your cousins and you are so entertained by them and the entire world around you.  You are inquisitive yet laid back. Which is probably the number one reason you are not crawling yet. You are pretty content right where are most of the time and there is always something to explore and enjoy right in front of you.   Perhaps one of the many lessons you teach the world around you. 

I love how easy it is to get you to smile. Your laugh will make anyone around you smile just by hearing it. I love how  when i walk into a room you instantly light up like a ball of sunshine... and now i know it's exactly because I am here. I love how i can always comfort you and now that you throw your arms up in the air now means you want me to pick you up.  You are learning to wave now, and I am sure your vocabulary of understanding is quite big.  Although there are no words besides 'dada' that come out of your mouth.  Listening you gabber on with 'dadadadada" will instantly make my heart sing.

You don't go to the doctor for another couple of weeks but at 9 months you are right around 23 lbs and over 28-29inches long. You are strong and growing and your face just gets more beautiful to me every day.  You are the apple of my eye and  treasure every day I spent with you.  I will tell you get more kisses than you ever knew were possible. Especially when daddy and I kiss you at the same time... and even if you do push us both away simultaneously.  You are one heck of a loved baby....and that love only keeps growing.
It's bigger than the world.

Love you always,
Mommy

Faith and Love

There is a little girl I never met, but she is one of my good friend's cousin.  She is 11 years old and legally blind and deaf, and is dying of a heart condition. I found out about her a few months back, but few weeks ago  I found out she was denied a heart transplant  that would be the only thing that could save her life. Since then she has been under hospice care and her family started posting updates about her on facebook.  She is such a beautiful little girl, there are video's of her signing, and pictures of her growing up and it's hard not to fall in love with her. Last night was her last post on facebook as her family said she is on pain medication to keep her comfortable.  I read the post this morning when I got into work and I couldn't help the tears. In fact, I have been thinking about her all day and I have never even met her.  She has very little time left, the out pour of love and messages for her and her family have been incredible.

Maybe because I am not a mother that this really effects me, but i just want to go home and hug my baby just a little bit longer and just a little bit tighter. I can only imagine what the family must feel.  I hear a lot of sad stories but this little girl particularly has profoundly made an impact on me.  I am not sure why or how.  It really makes you put your own problems in check when you read about this. And you realize that what would the world be like with out faith?  Knowing that those who have walked this world before us are somewhere else, that there is such a  thing as peace. I think about those we lost who were close to me and those who others have lost close to them. We are only on this planet briefly, and faith and love are probably one of the most important things that can help carry us through our journey.  Anyone can get by without a lot, whether is money, or education, or you name it. Without faith and a lot of love in your life, you can be lost and adrift.  You can never love someone too much. And in my heart, I feel that no matter what guilt i feel as a mother some times about my own inadequacies, as long as i can love my baby as much as my heart is able that i know everything will be ok.

And it's true, motherhood has rocked me. I never knew how much i could love until i became a mother. It's the kind of love that is bottomless-all consuming-take your breath away-sometimes hurts kind of love that I don't think you can experience any way else. Its a different kind of love that you have for a spouse or another family member.  It's a kind of love that makes you feel emotions you have never felt before. And when you love that much, the entire spectrum of emotions change and their depth is much more acute.  But I am not even sure if what it is is even describable.

All I know is life is full of hardships, some are harder than others; some might knock you to the ground and change you to your core. But ultimately there is only one constant in this journey that will guide you through anything. You can always get through anything with faith and love. The tiniest amount goes so far. The tiniest amounts can allow you to anything. Nothing will be impossible.

" Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move.
This is Anna's facebook page:
https://www.facebook.com/#!/anna.macconnell.58

If you can dream it...

 Ever since I became a mom never in my life have I ever been so thoughtful about my career. Meaning, never have I picked it apart and wondered what do I really want to do when i grow up?    Do I want to be full time mommy or a full time working mother. And if I were to change my career to accommodate both, what would I be?

As i look at house after house in process to move up to the burbs, i envision raising my family in every home we walk into.  I envision my life; waking up with my kids, making them breakfast, taking them for walks, to the parks,  going to lessons for something at some location,  sitting down for dinner every night. I envision school days, and school nights, kids over  playing, i envision it all.  I imagine what i would do in the free time, probably still get up early  at 6am before everyone is awake and go for a run,  pack my husbands lunch for the day, and get ready to take on the adventures the kids provide every single day.  I have quite a few ideas of small business ideas of my own to do in my own time to supplement my income,  ideas that even would involve my kids.

I day dream a lot about how different things would be if i didn't have the long days and long commute to work every morning.  How much less stress i would feel about leaving my baby for so long every day,and knowing that my time is better spent investing in the minds of the future.   Childhood is  the most important times in a person's life. I deam of how much calmer i would feel in the evenings, not thinking about how little sleep i have to function at work and make it there safely.  Or the thought that the work and preparation during the rat race after work to get everything cleaned and packed again for the next day and still manage to eat dinner and spend time together as a family. It feels very much like a rat race..... and I dream about how things could be.

And if i keep dreaming.... who knows what could happen.

Dear Nicholas- An Interlude

Dear Nick,

 I felt like writing to you because I want to tell you how I feel.  I wont write much, just a little about how I feel about you, how I feel about life, and how I feel about parenting. And there is quite a lot I feel, and I have no intentions of sorting it all out and making sense of all it and categorizing it, putting it in nice little bins in my head, and spelling everything out for you right here and now. No, that's not how anything in life works.  A lot of life is about you figuring out the world, understanding emotions,, compassion, sensitivity, vulnerability. You are going to go through struggles and ups and downs and sideways phases, my job is to make you feel loved, give you a strong sense of self, and to help you know you are worth it no matter what.. Always.

I am the first to read and read books and books about 'how to parent.' I am a hypocrite, to think there is a way to 'parent' to have the outcome for a child to be 'perfect.' It's in a way tying to read about about 'how to Art.'  There is no right or wrong way, that's why no one person is the same as the next.   We are different, with different experiences, different memories, different thoughts and perspectives and that's what makes as all unique. And influential in our own right. We can change things with our power of being, and how we live our lives effects the world around us.

I have been trying to read books about how to help you sleep better, because society has conformed me to believe that you SHOULD be sleeping through the night. And that I should be able to put you to bed at night without fuss and you will wake up happy 10-12 hours later.  But guess what, you dont. I am trying to figure out solutions.  But maybe there isnt a solution, maybe i am just figuring you out in this one phase. And honestly, i dont mind getting to snuggle with you for a few hours in the middle of night if that helps you get to sleep.  I am not going to tell you how you 'should' be. And i am not going to try to mold you in the norm of what society thinks.  You are you, you are imperfect, but you are: loved, important, and worthy.

Some of my biggest struggles are dealing with how i feel like I 'should' be.  I constantly worry about how i am being perceived and want to desperately 'be' what i think the world wants me to 'be.'  But  what i am learning is that I am who i am, and that is ok. In fact, it's great. It's an understanding that I am a good person, and imperfect in many ways, but i am a work in progress. I am allowed to be sad sometimes, i am allowed to be angry and uncertain at others. But it's all part of living, I am also compassionate, and forgiving, and open.  An author i recently read said " Yes, i am sometimes afraid, but i am also brave."  I want you to know that you can do anything you want, but guess what- you might fail.   But if you try your hardest, hardest and you still fail you are still worthy of that success. You just might have to try again. I dont ever want you think that you shouldn't try anything because you are worried about that failure and what people will think.  That sense of self is what i want the most for you.  And I want you to know you are enough, and even in a difficult time to be kind and gentle on yourself. And in turn you will be kinder and gentler to others.. And with that i think you will achieve whatever you want in life- laced with all the joy and happiness you can  possibly embrace.

I know you have a beautiful soul, and I have told you since the day you were born that you can do anything you want in this life. And I will believe in you. Whether it's an astronaut, a scientist, a teacher, a doctor, a cook, whatever it is that you decide to go after. As long as your heart is in whatever you do and it's in the right place. To make you a better person and to better the world around you.  I know you will make me proud. You already do, even with the little victories you give me on a daily basis.  I love watching you grow, I love watching you flourish into your own person.  I love the person you are now, and I will love the person you are going to be come.


With all my love,
Mommy