Today I spent a couple hours at Leadership Development Event for the higher graded DoE employees who are women. It was a panel discussion for Women in the Senior Executive Service (SES)- which are the highest leadership positions within the federal government. It was really interesting and it gave me a lot to think about regarding the balancing act between being a working mom and building my career, and being a family mom and shelving all those ideologies.
It really is a struggle to think about- especially now for the a little guy on the way. The ideas really never came into my mind until now. I have always thought i'd work hard, make a good amount of money, and live a successful life. Especially going through the MBA program at UD it is one heck of a male dominated, COMPETITIVE environment. It's very dog eat dog and the best rise to the top. You worked hard for you A's, and you knew the handful of others in the 'A group' because the rest weren't as competitive nor did they do the time. That lends well with a new and young professional entering the workforce. I was confident and competitive when i got to my job 5 years ago. In fact, i was motivated and energized by my boss who really believes in me. She was my champion and threw me into all kinds of projects i knew NOTHING about but got my name out there. And i am thankful for that, because i am doing pretty well right now.
So now what is next for me? I know I wont be in this position forever. It's not good for me professionally to stay in one place, but does that means it's also not good for me personally? These women in the SES (Senior Executive Service) make a lot of money, but put in a lot of time... and are also the most likely to be asked to move around both organizationally and geographically. You need to work hard to apply and be accepted into one of the positions, but is the reward worth it?
One of the panelist talked about passion at work and putting in long days. Lately i have been feeling a little passionless at work, i look forward to getting home and hanging out with my husband, friends and family. I look forward to weekends filled with fun activities. These women didnt really talk about their home lives, in fact many worked a lot of weekends. Only one spoke of her children and how she couldn't do it all without her support network of neighbors, family, and friends. Prioritizing is critical-- and that keeping a clean house and having a home cooked meal is NOT a priority. But how do you figure out what your priorities are? And then where do you find what passion (work or home) is more important?
Do I feel the way i feel because I didn't have a working mom a lot of my childhood? I wonder if my perspective would be different. I talked to my boss about it briefly whose mom worked when she was growing up. She is also very successful right now, does that mean if i worked through most of my kid's growing up it would be hard but that they would have two role models for hard work and dedication. What is the right choice?
This never seemed to be an issue twenty years ago. Women were not generally in the workforce. And even now, this issue really only applies to women. Even though we are much more prevelant in executive positions, it is only women who need to take time off to have children. Some women decide having children is not as important as having a successful career and make the choice as ONE or the other. Why is that the case? This doesn't seem fair either.
I guess I dont know if i will ever solve the answer here on this little blog of mine... but it is something i have thought a lot about as we are now starting a family. My paradigm has definitely shifted from the 'Work Hard- Play Hard LATER' mentality. I do want to be around my kids a lot of the time, i just have to figure out how that jives with my job. Or if i will always have a job..... I just dont know. How do you figure it all out? I just don't think there is a balance, i don't know if you can have both. Or can you? There is no need to play super women, no one can do it all.... but how much can you really do and still feel fulfilled and satisfied? Rarely have i heard a dedicated mother talk about how unsatisfied she is though....
Just something to think about....
Friday, September 16, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Dear Baby (entry 1)
Dear Baby,
I cant believe how big you are getting inside that belly of mine. And I still cant believe how fast these months have gone since you were just a little glimmer in our eyes. Your official due date was exactly 3 months from this past Saturday, but I have a little feeling you are as anxious to meet us as we are to meet you that you will be making your arrival a few days early.
We have some names picked out for you, so far the top runners are Michael (Mike), Christopher (Chris), and Nicholas (Nick).... well, those are the names your dad and I could agree on together. Even though my list was a little bit longer. Who knows when we will officially decide, but we hope you like whatever name we pick. We want it to sound strong and successful like we know you will be.
You have been one ACTIVE little fella these past few months that i have been able to feel you. I cant quite figure your schedule out, but i feel you all the time during the day. You haven't really given me any trouble, you seem to be in a good position, although sometimes i wish you would move down a bit because i have a hard time breathing sometimes. And sometimes you give me indigestion.... but hey, as long as you are comfortable I think i can handle it. I know you really like going on walks and exercising, you go ot sleep really quickly during those times. I hope the same tricks apply when you are outside. I also haven't discovered if you like some foods or others based on what i have been eating and your level or movement. I have been eating a lot of fruits (grapes, strawberries, nectarines, etc) almost daily so i hope you like those. I also each s good amount of raw veggies daily (like carrots and tomatoes) so i hope you have grown some fondness to those as well. I just want you to be healthy and strong when you grow up. I did eat quite a bit of pasta when i was in Italy a couple weeks ago-- so either you will love it or hate it with the lack of variety those days. I apologize for that.
We are still getting ready for you and acquiring items so you are comfortable when you come home. We want you to feel comfortable, safe and warm... and of course VERY loved. Your big brother Odie is also very anxious to meet you, although he will probably want to lick you all over. I think you two will love each other a lot as you grow up. You have a lot too forward to in the next 3 months!
I cant wait to see what's in store for you and us, i am am trying to savor this time before you arrive because i know you will change a lot of things for us. For the better, of course... but lots of changes. You dad cant wait, he tells me ALL the time. He talks to you too, although he gets really close and it probably sounds loud. He says he loves you every day. Keep on growing in there, see you in a few more weeks!!
Love,
Mommy
I cant believe how big you are getting inside that belly of mine. And I still cant believe how fast these months have gone since you were just a little glimmer in our eyes. Your official due date was exactly 3 months from this past Saturday, but I have a little feeling you are as anxious to meet us as we are to meet you that you will be making your arrival a few days early.
We have some names picked out for you, so far the top runners are Michael (Mike), Christopher (Chris), and Nicholas (Nick).... well, those are the names your dad and I could agree on together. Even though my list was a little bit longer. Who knows when we will officially decide, but we hope you like whatever name we pick. We want it to sound strong and successful like we know you will be.
You have been one ACTIVE little fella these past few months that i have been able to feel you. I cant quite figure your schedule out, but i feel you all the time during the day. You haven't really given me any trouble, you seem to be in a good position, although sometimes i wish you would move down a bit because i have a hard time breathing sometimes. And sometimes you give me indigestion.... but hey, as long as you are comfortable I think i can handle it. I know you really like going on walks and exercising, you go ot sleep really quickly during those times. I hope the same tricks apply when you are outside. I also haven't discovered if you like some foods or others based on what i have been eating and your level or movement. I have been eating a lot of fruits (grapes, strawberries, nectarines, etc) almost daily so i hope you like those. I also each s good amount of raw veggies daily (like carrots and tomatoes) so i hope you have grown some fondness to those as well. I just want you to be healthy and strong when you grow up. I did eat quite a bit of pasta when i was in Italy a couple weeks ago-- so either you will love it or hate it with the lack of variety those days. I apologize for that.
We are still getting ready for you and acquiring items so you are comfortable when you come home. We want you to feel comfortable, safe and warm... and of course VERY loved. Your big brother Odie is also very anxious to meet you, although he will probably want to lick you all over. I think you two will love each other a lot as you grow up. You have a lot too forward to in the next 3 months!
I cant wait to see what's in store for you and us, i am am trying to savor this time before you arrive because i know you will change a lot of things for us. For the better, of course... but lots of changes. You dad cant wait, he tells me ALL the time. He talks to you too, although he gets really close and it probably sounds loud. He says he loves you every day. Keep on growing in there, see you in a few more weeks!!
Love,
Mommy
The 27 week update
So last week was a brief peak in the Fall with temperatures in the 60s and low 70s, it seemed like so much has happened since i last updated. I went to Italy a couple weeks ago on vacation and it was really nice and relaxing. It was hot and we did LOTS of walking-- and that was nice-- but also ate SO.MUCH.PASTA! Delicious, o yes, but SO MUCH!! It's nice to be back to the comforts of American fair and routine. Even though work is tiring lately.
Not much has happened in the week i have been back, just catching up with people and trying to get ready for baby. I went shopping and dinner with E last week and loved every second of it. I didnt buy anything but it was good time spent. And her MOM made us a baby blanket made with blue, sparkly silver, yellow and white yarn. My favorite colors. AND it was HAND MADE!! It was insanely thoughtful, i am still tickled by it when i think about it. We also caught up with B & A for A 30th birthday party, and the N's since Matt's dad was in China last week as well. Tonight I am going to the Reds game with J & A, to make it feel like summer again compared to last week. It was a busy and quick week last week, today is the first full week back and it's feel a little daunting.
At 27 weeks the baby's arrival seems ever so close!! Our first shower is just a couple weeks away! We made a big purchase on Friday night and bought our crib and that made it feel EVEN closer. When we went to buy it was realized it was on back order for 9-12 weeks, and the crazy part-- THAT IS TOO MUCH TIME TO WAIT!! Luckily there was one still in stock in the Lexington store so it was moved to the one in Mason and we just need to pick it up. WE also need to move some furniture out of the office and start searching for a dresser and a changing table (both of which i am way less picky about) but get them together and upstairs. Then it will really start feeling real when i walk passed the nursery every day. And every day Matt and i both tell each other how much we CANNOT wait to meet this little guy! I know it's bad to wish time away, but it sure it flying!!
Not much has happened in the week i have been back, just catching up with people and trying to get ready for baby. I went shopping and dinner with E last week and loved every second of it. I didnt buy anything but it was good time spent. And her MOM made us a baby blanket made with blue, sparkly silver, yellow and white yarn. My favorite colors. AND it was HAND MADE!! It was insanely thoughtful, i am still tickled by it when i think about it. We also caught up with B & A for A 30th birthday party, and the N's since Matt's dad was in China last week as well. Tonight I am going to the Reds game with J & A, to make it feel like summer again compared to last week. It was a busy and quick week last week, today is the first full week back and it's feel a little daunting.
At 27 weeks the baby's arrival seems ever so close!! Our first shower is just a couple weeks away! We made a big purchase on Friday night and bought our crib and that made it feel EVEN closer. When we went to buy it was realized it was on back order for 9-12 weeks, and the crazy part-- THAT IS TOO MUCH TIME TO WAIT!! Luckily there was one still in stock in the Lexington store so it was moved to the one in Mason and we just need to pick it up. WE also need to move some furniture out of the office and start searching for a dresser and a changing table (both of which i am way less picky about) but get them together and upstairs. Then it will really start feeling real when i walk passed the nursery every day. And every day Matt and i both tell each other how much we CANNOT wait to meet this little guy! I know it's bad to wish time away, but it sure it flying!!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Good weekend and Update
I cant believe we are practically in the doorway of September! We are almost within 3 months of my due date, TIME is going by so quickly!! It's the last three months as a family of two, and gosh we cant wait to meet this little guy! This past weekend at our friends J and S's couple shower really got us looking forward to what's to come for us. Although it did make me feel a little ill-prepared considering S really has it together. And everything is all set up in their nursery and they have practically everything they need. And the due date is only ONE month ahead of mine. But i know we will get it done, i just don't like stressing about it.
We did go to BuyBuyBaby this weekend to look at furniture-- they are INCREDIBLY helpful in that store. Way more helpful than Babies R Us, but the selection can feel overwhelming to some. On the other hand the sales people are so knowledgeable about their products and can answer just about any question you throw at them. And their customer service is impeccable. They are associated with BedBath&Beyond, so that gives you a little indication. We didn't want to register there because i think there are only 2 locations in Ohio, and that makes it a little difficult since all of our family and friends are spread ALL over the state. But we did pick out a crib that we both really liked, that had good reviews, and the sales person who helped us gave us good input to make us feel informed about our choice. Now we just need to find changing table and a dresser (that will look good together). O ya, and actually purchase the crib. I hope we do that right after we get back vacation.
I am sad to see this weekend come and go, but it was filled with all kinds of highlights! And a few little things that made me feel really loved (and made the baby feel really loved!). So in no particular order:
We did go to BuyBuyBaby this weekend to look at furniture-- they are INCREDIBLY helpful in that store. Way more helpful than Babies R Us, but the selection can feel overwhelming to some. On the other hand the sales people are so knowledgeable about their products and can answer just about any question you throw at them. And their customer service is impeccable. They are associated with BedBath&Beyond, so that gives you a little indication. We didn't want to register there because i think there are only 2 locations in Ohio, and that makes it a little difficult since all of our family and friends are spread ALL over the state. But we did pick out a crib that we both really liked, that had good reviews, and the sales person who helped us gave us good input to make us feel informed about our choice. Now we just need to find changing table and a dresser (that will look good together). O ya, and actually purchase the crib. I hope we do that right after we get back vacation.
I am sad to see this weekend come and go, but it was filled with all kinds of highlights! And a few little things that made me feel really loved (and made the baby feel really loved!). So in no particular order:
- Getting an email from my boss on Friday night with a list of names from her two SONS that they brainstormed for possible baby boy names. ( I LOVE getting this kind of stuff!)
- Seeing S so cute and pregnant this weekend, and getting all kinds of excitement from our friends at the shower this weekend.
- Opening a present from S this weekend congratulating me on Baby BOY with a really cool gadget in there. a Bib drying rack (an invention from a friend/SAHM/engineer) some bibs, a cute little onsie and a candy bar
- Seeing E this weekend and catching up with her. It's nice that she always makes time for me, she is such a good friend. And she surprised me with a bunch of cute little baby boy newborn outfits! The first outfits for the little guy, and they are all ADORABLE! It was SO sweet and SOO generous!
- Getting as little gift wrapped present from my boss in blue tissue paper with 2 books inside it. Two books that she loved and read to her two sons. One is even about having a little boy. I thought the gesture was so incredibly thoughtful. I love those kinds of things, and it was really sweet she thought of me.
- Having help from CV and CB this weekend as Matt starting re-doing almost all of our flower beds. And CV was incredible, he got us plants for cost from JJ and even delivered them to our house AND spent like 7 hours at our house yesterday pulling up our beds and helping us plant.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
The first Baby surprise
I guess the one thing about having kids are all the surprises that come with the package. I guess i just thought about this, that as they grow older they are continuously surprising you with what they know and what they can do. It's probably one heck of a journey! But now that i write that, the first surprise came on Monday when we had our 20 week anatomy scan *although, it was 23 weeks+ for us* and we found out if the little person inside of me is a little girl or a little boy.... and the surprise is....
A BOY!
I definitely was surprised! My coworker Jon told me NOT to find out, that is all part of the fun and anticipation. But really, it's just one of the many surprises that we get to have. And the day that the baby comes is an entirely great surprise all in itself... so why NOT get an additional day of surprise out of the experience? I was thinking it was girl, but i guess subconsciously expecting a boy... if that makes sense. Maybe because growing up there were a lot of girls around, my parent's friend's kids were mostly girls... i have more girl cousins than boy cousins.... the list goes on. But Matt comes from a long line of the exact opposite. But the cards fell and the verdict was a baby boy. The more i think about it, i think it's great to have at least one boy in the family. I always wanted an older brother-- and i think the oldest child has personality characteristics (generally speaking) that might fit better with a boy. Plus, I cant wait to go to baseball games or soccer games, whatever sporting events that come out way. Maybe this kiddo will play HS football, who doesn't love going to HS football games? I know we have lots of new and fun experiences ahead of us.
I am also happy to know that my friend S is also expecting a baby boy on month before us-- so it's fun we already know the kiddo has some friends. Matt's cousin is expecting a little one in March, and our friends B and A are also expecting in March-- i hope they have boys too!
I guess it's time to bring on the BLUE!!!
A BOY!
I definitely was surprised! My coworker Jon told me NOT to find out, that is all part of the fun and anticipation. But really, it's just one of the many surprises that we get to have. And the day that the baby comes is an entirely great surprise all in itself... so why NOT get an additional day of surprise out of the experience? I was thinking it was girl, but i guess subconsciously expecting a boy... if that makes sense. Maybe because growing up there were a lot of girls around, my parent's friend's kids were mostly girls... i have more girl cousins than boy cousins.... the list goes on. But Matt comes from a long line of the exact opposite. But the cards fell and the verdict was a baby boy. The more i think about it, i think it's great to have at least one boy in the family. I always wanted an older brother-- and i think the oldest child has personality characteristics (generally speaking) that might fit better with a boy. Plus, I cant wait to go to baseball games or soccer games, whatever sporting events that come out way. Maybe this kiddo will play HS football, who doesn't love going to HS football games? I know we have lots of new and fun experiences ahead of us.
I am also happy to know that my friend S is also expecting a baby boy on month before us-- so it's fun we already know the kiddo has some friends. Matt's cousin is expecting a little one in March, and our friends B and A are also expecting in March-- i hope they have boys too!
I guess it's time to bring on the BLUE!!!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
There are the good days, and then there are the bad
Today started off as a bad day..... And yes, those days usually fall far between to the good days. But the bad ones sure are a struggle. We had a perfectly nice evening last night, we met our friends J and D for dinner at Brazenhead in Mason and had a nice night with them. We drove back in some bad storms but it was still a good night. Then i went to bed and i haven't been able to click back into gear since. I woke up around 2am- of course, having to go to the bathroom, i went downstairs to get a snack and a drink then go right back to sleep. But I couldn't fall back asleep. I wasn't uncomfortable, i just had severe insomnia. I couldnt turn off my brain. I was thinking about the baby's room, and where to re-arrange all oue stuff in our small house. I was thinking about all the things we need to do. I was thinking that i didn't like it how i have to ask my husband to things he doesn't take initiative by himself. I was thinking about how i dont like my body image right now. I dont feel like a cute pregnant person, i just feel big. I am not so happy in my job right but but i feel stuck. I go to work the clock seems to tick by, i haven't felt happy and fulfilled at work in a long time. I didnt want to go into the office today. I took a really long shower last night and all i was doing was stewing about how i am doing an accountants job for one item on my plate and that i am sick of being a good performer. Why don't people do their jobs? It doesn't make me happy to think of these things.
And when i woke up this morning, Matt hadn't cleaned up the living room that i JUST cleaned up and dusted and vacuumed 24 hours before. He had papers and stuff all over the place for the tractor stuff he has been working on last night. AND i specifically asked him before i went to bed if he couldn't straighten everything back up before he went to bed. Then i proceeded to ask him about the nursery and tell him what i was thinking to re-arrange and he wanted nothing to do with it. But i have been thinking about it for the last 2 hours in the middle of the night. He wanted to leave the office and combine it with our guest room. And we have NO room anywhere. We need to ditch the office and just have a guest room. So then we got into a HUGE argument in the car about how i don't want a filing cabinet and our useless printer in our guest room. And i just said, fine, Ill do everything myself since all he does is road block and offer no advice. I am still upset about it. WE have no room in our house! I don't know where we are going to put everything. Our bedrooms are so small. I am stressed thinking about it, and it's putting back into a slump writing about it. I don't know what to do.
Today is a struggle for me. And it doesn't help that i have back to back two-hour meetings from 9am until 1pm today... when i usually eat lunch around 11:30. I know i will be tired and hungry. I am tired already this morning, SO tired actually. How will i muster through the rest of the day with this mentality and feeling like this. On top of feeling not so great about myself in general right now. Today is a hard day.
I can only hope that tomorrow is better.
It has to be.
And when i woke up this morning, Matt hadn't cleaned up the living room that i JUST cleaned up and dusted and vacuumed 24 hours before. He had papers and stuff all over the place for the tractor stuff he has been working on last night. AND i specifically asked him before i went to bed if he couldn't straighten everything back up before he went to bed. Then i proceeded to ask him about the nursery and tell him what i was thinking to re-arrange and he wanted nothing to do with it. But i have been thinking about it for the last 2 hours in the middle of the night. He wanted to leave the office and combine it with our guest room. And we have NO room anywhere. We need to ditch the office and just have a guest room. So then we got into a HUGE argument in the car about how i don't want a filing cabinet and our useless printer in our guest room. And i just said, fine, Ill do everything myself since all he does is road block and offer no advice. I am still upset about it. WE have no room in our house! I don't know where we are going to put everything. Our bedrooms are so small. I am stressed thinking about it, and it's putting back into a slump writing about it. I don't know what to do.
Today is a struggle for me. And it doesn't help that i have back to back two-hour meetings from 9am until 1pm today... when i usually eat lunch around 11:30. I know i will be tired and hungry. I am tired already this morning, SO tired actually. How will i muster through the rest of the day with this mentality and feeling like this. On top of feeling not so great about myself in general right now. Today is a hard day.
I can only hope that tomorrow is better.
It has to be.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Quick update and SHARK WEEK!
It's been a busy week but i don't feel like i have much to show for it. It seemed to go fast though and that is always nice. I had some good walks with Matt this week after work and even ate some delicious new meals from the book What to Expect When You're Expecting: Eating Well When Your Expecting. There aren't a ton of recipes in there, but there is enough variety that you can fill a week or a few days with interesting recipes. Matt really liked what we had on Wednesday, i cant remember the entire recipe but basically it was:
Cook chicken breasts sliced.
In a pan cook tomatoes, shallots, garlic, and spinach until soft. Add back in the chicken. Then boil some rotini (whole wheat or reduced carbs pasta) and add some mozzarella and Parmesan to the pasta after its cooked and drained. Then mixed everything together. You wonder where the sauce is, but you don't need it. O ya, and top off witha little salt and pepper and lemon zest-- the entire meal is packed with delicious flavor! Matt loved it.
Another highlight this week is that it is SHARK WEEK! One of my most favorite weeks of the year!! I love that matt and i watch together most nights, every show is SO good! For some reason i thought last year had more new shows instead of just a new one at 9pm (and sometimes 10pm), but i still re-watched the shows ive seen already. I love sharks!
This weekend we are having dinner with B & A tonight. I am excited to see them, A just found out she is expecting and i know she has been trying for a while. I am excited to share this experience with her. It will be fun tonight! Saturday we have a wedding to go to, and Sunday hopefully Matt and I can be productive. There are a bunch of big items we need to purchase in the coming months that we are saving for. Among the big items include: A new (or used) SUV for Matt, bedroom dresser, nursery furniture. This stuff can add up. It would be nice to purchase some of these items before we actually NEED them, to reduce the outflow of cash all at once. But we'll see how it goes!
Thank gosh it's Friday! More next week!
Cook chicken breasts sliced.
In a pan cook tomatoes, shallots, garlic, and spinach until soft. Add back in the chicken. Then boil some rotini (whole wheat or reduced carbs pasta) and add some mozzarella and Parmesan to the pasta after its cooked and drained. Then mixed everything together. You wonder where the sauce is, but you don't need it. O ya, and top off witha little salt and pepper and lemon zest-- the entire meal is packed with delicious flavor! Matt loved it.
Another highlight this week is that it is SHARK WEEK! One of my most favorite weeks of the year!! I love that matt and i watch together most nights, every show is SO good! For some reason i thought last year had more new shows instead of just a new one at 9pm (and sometimes 10pm), but i still re-watched the shows ive seen already. I love sharks!
This weekend we are having dinner with B & A tonight. I am excited to see them, A just found out she is expecting and i know she has been trying for a while. I am excited to share this experience with her. It will be fun tonight! Saturday we have a wedding to go to, and Sunday hopefully Matt and I can be productive. There are a bunch of big items we need to purchase in the coming months that we are saving for. Among the big items include: A new (or used) SUV for Matt, bedroom dresser, nursery furniture. This stuff can add up. It would be nice to purchase some of these items before we actually NEED them, to reduce the outflow of cash all at once. But we'll see how it goes!
Thank gosh it's Friday! More next week!
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